runninks jest as fast as ai kan, holdinks onto nobudee's handz...

i'm feeling stuck, as though i'm not moving. at the same time, i'm aware that my backslide is picking up speed, and that i'm running farther and farther away from everyone i love (at least in my head). i've decided with certainty to break up with one of my partners, and the boy has as well. i'm torn between suggesting we talk with her together - so at least when she tells us to fuck off 5 minutes into the conversation we have each other to talk with - and just not speaking to her again. it's not even because it would be easier to avoid the likely conflict, it's that i resent spending time and money going to see her, putting the effort into arranging a meeting, when she'll probably run out in tears, or just scream at me. i just don't care enough to invest the resources when it won't matter to her what i say, and when i know i don't even care enough to follow after her if she bolts.

i know i'm depressed. the signs are all there. i've stopped showering for the most part. i've stopped masturbating. i wear the same clothes for days on end. i forget to eat day after day. last week i had raging diarrhea for 4 solid days (pun not particularly intended, but humorous none-the-less) along with stuffy nose, headaches, nausea and achy back, and i just laid about, ignoring the phone, and emails, and everything else. i'm down to checking voicemail once a week or less, and i've just stopped trying to reply to messages, or even leave the house most of the time. obviously the virus took a lot out of me, but it's more than that. the other day my legs gave out and i fell, just feeling really light-headed and weak. it was then i realised it was 9pm, and i hadn't eaten. i had a white bagel with margarine and salt at some point through the night, but beyond that i couldn't really remember the last time i ate. even after that wake-up call and the end of the nausea, i've been struggling to find the enthusiasm for food.

i'm really not making decisions at all either. i had so many plans this past weekend, 3 close friends celebrating their birthdays, a grandfather turning 80, the breakup to carry out, a cousin's moving away party, a girlfriend's moving to a different city party, a stag & doe party, and a coffee date with a dear friend i've been putting off for a week or more. so friday i logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and realised that the girlfriend's party was in fact about to start, not the following night as i had thought. and i just broke down. i sent her a hurried note, expressing my desire to see her before she went back to school, but i haven't been back to check if she replied. i'm so afraid that she'll be upset, or that she'll know i want to break up with her primary that she won't want to see me again. and unlike her girlfriend, this is a woman i have really strong feelings for.

i cried and hid in my house, and then instead of planning the rest of the weekend out so i could see as many other loved ones as possible, i just avoided them all. in my head i'm sure most of my fears are totally unreasonable, and that my nearly overwhelming desire to self-harm is compulsion. that knowledge doesn't seem to be undoing their effectiveness. i justified not contacting the cousin who is moving away by telling myself the party would be too overwhelming. i avoided the stag & doe because i wouldn't know many people there. i didn't even message back the friend who i was meeting for coffee when she wished me luck on my MRI, let alone to meet her for drinks. i told myself i was still feeling crummy so i'd be a drag if i followed along on another friend's birthday adventures, besides there were multiple events planned for the weekend, and i couldn't remember which day was actually her b-day, because there was so much going on. i was told the main party for my grandfather was not to include grandkids, so i decided to not even try for a visit yesterday. in the end i felt like such an asshole, and that noone could even possibly want to hear from me, that i didn't call a single person all weekend. and now the likelihood that i've hurt and worried everyone makes me so anxious that it feels easier to just not call or message any of them ever again.

i'm in such a self-deprecating headspace that i find myself re-questioning all of my relationships, and wanting to bow out. i didn't see a dear friend for most of the summer, and when i finally did i felt so distant from her that much of the time i'm absolutely certain she wants to end our friendship. she's not said anything directly - and is totally the kind of person who would - but my anxious mind keeps adding up all the little things into a feeling that i have nothing left to offer her, except maybe free babysitting. fuck that sounds so shitty, like she's taking advantage of me or something, but it's just the opposite. she's got new & old people in her life that are doing all the things i used to do with her before the summer, and i'm broke, emotionally raw, and lonely. how could i possibly be any fun to have around.

i want to call and cancel all of my appointments this week. i want to skip the first drum class i had been hoping to attend. i want to turn off the phone, set my facebook status to crazy and just check out. i know i feel impossibly lonely and isolated right now, and i know it's of my own doing. i also know that getting out of the house and actually being around people again is probably exactly what i need. every time i reach out though, i feel so awkward and guilty. i say all the wrong things. i haven't said the right things when friends have emailed their own bad news. i haven't been excited enough when they've sent me good news. i've read all the messages, then just sat here feeling useless. part of me hopes that i do have a brain tumour, and that it's big enough they can't treat it, and that way i'll stop laying around consuming resources, without giving anything back.