beet uv a kwandree

heh, kitteh pidgen cracks me up. anywho, i realise i have done little writing on the blog of late with respect to relationships, and it's time for an update - else my quandary will make little sense. in a nut shell, the woman i had been seeing casually has become a regular fixture in my life, and her girlfriend has as well. the high school boyfriend is now dating all three of us, and for the most part it's going really well. all three of them live in a different city than i, but the same city as each other, and i like it that way. i still don't feel like i'm ready for the kind of intense relationship i'd classify as a primary partnership, and this allows me to keep them all at arm's length.

so here's my quandary. i'm at the point when i would be running away usually. i've gotten to the point where the initial enthusiasm has waned, and i fear that i may have overestimated the others' desire to be with me. i fear that this is not much more than casual hooking up, and that my understanding of it as dating was somehow... i dunno. that i was just wrong in how everyone else feels about me. at the same time, i'm starting to doubt my feelings for each of them, i think as a way of putting distance between us. mostly i'm questioning my feelings for one of the women in particular, or rather my commitment to seeing her. i just don't feel enthusiastic about going to visit her. i don't feel like putting any effort into talking with her. i just...don't feel like it's worth the effort. i just don't feel like she's worth the effort.

so i suppose that doesn't seem like much of a quandary. except i only want to break up with this one partner, and i want to keep seeing her girlfriend. and our mutual boyfriend. i think if she treated me shittily alone, i would think it's just me, but it's all of us. and i don't want things to be awkward if i break up with just her - between myself and the other two that is. i wish i knew how everyone else is feeling, and if they see her jerkiness the way that i do too. i kinda wish we could just all three us dump her ass and be happy without her.