at least that's what some folks call it: curse of the boyfriend sweater. in my case it's not just sweaters, and it's not just boyfriends of course either. whatever you want to call it though, the cold hard fact is that any time i have endeavored to knit for someone i was involved with romantically, we have broken up before item was off the needles.
first it was the ex-cheerleader girlfriend, and a gorgeous chunky varieg ated wool scarf in a beautiful basket weave. i wore the scarf after the break-up with the ends left unfinished - until it was stolen at the library. next it was the "left" & "right" mittens for the boy i hand-fasted to. i got just past the thumb on the second mitten, and the first line of the colour way. next it was the overly long green ribbed scarf for a best-friend-turned-lover, with 3 stripes of orange snowflake yarn at either end, and a ridiculously long fringe. i got all through 150+ cm of scarf to the last few stripes when we broke things off.
so you can perhaps understand my apprehension with ever knitting for someone ever again. the last time i got up the gumption to knit for a girlfriend i had explained to her about this curse, and told her i would only knit her the requested legwarmers if she promised to avoid breaking up with me at least until they were done. we had a good laugh about it, and she assured me no break-up was in our near future anyhow. when we split rather abruptly just a few weeks later, she paused in mid-sentence, and with a look of genuine regret, said, "i'm sorry about the legwarmers..." i was a mere inch away from finishing the second one. that was 3 years ago.
::added later to finish post::
so i decided to knit Pooh Bear a scarf. and finish it before he arrived in Canada. and it was really therapeutic. i cried in frustration. i felt terrified. i almost gave up a few times. i ripped back & reknit entire sections. but i finished it. and gave it to him, utterly completed. even though the relationship ended so horribly, i am grateful that i was able to lift the curse of the boyfriend sweater while we were together. projects are a lot easier to complete now.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
ai'm giphted, wat's yorr exkoose?
i've decided the next particular piece i need to work on is gifts. like many people i have trouble accepting gifts, and help of any kind. i have trouble asking for what i need & want, and in particular i have trouble asking for what i need and want. unlike most people, however, i also have trouble giving.
it's not just giving in general that i struggle with, it's giving presents in particular. the struggle that's come up of recent was sparked by a discussion in my pagan circle about giving a particular circle member cash for her birthday, so that she could afford to go to particular festival. we've done this once before, and though i was gung-ho the first time, this time i've really struggled with what to do about it. it's no secret that i'm not working regularly right now, and that cash is stretched thin. this member is also unempolyed, living on disability, and while i'd like to help her reach her goals, i just don't think cash is the way to go. i like to give gifts that are useful, practical, and benefit the recipient in some way, but cash just seems a bit... tacky? hollow? i want to give a gift that is thoughtful and personal, and cash just seems really obvious... and i dunno. i don't like money exchange between friends.
in general i struggle with gift-giving when it comes to specific dates. things like birthdays and holidays feel like deadlines, and i always want to give something meaningful. i struggle with anxiety around wanting to give enough to convey how much i care about someone, without giving so much as to make it uncomfortable. i tend to pick up things as i see them, and as i think of someone, and as a result i have about 4-5 gifts sitting in my house waiting to reach their recipients at any one time. i also have numerous unfinished presents at any one time, made worse when the date passes, and i then feel like i need to have the exact perfect gift, now that the deadline has passed. i also have trouble finishing projects, so i usually have a bunch of unfinished presents in varying stages waiting to be finished and then given away.
anyways, i've decided it's time to look differently at gift giving. i need to resolve my need for perfection. i need to learn to give joyfully without guilt that it may not be "just right", or on time, or whatever other impositions i put on myself. i'm going to start tomorrow, with finishing wrapping a present that has been ready for weeks now, buying the gift i'd like to give rather than the cash that feels expected, and ordering a few things i had been meaning to get for folks. i also need to work out a system, or location in my house to keep all the gifts together so that they are ready to go when i want to give them :)
hurrah!
it's not just giving in general that i struggle with, it's giving presents in particular. the struggle that's come up of recent was sparked by a discussion in my pagan circle about giving a particular circle member cash for her birthday, so that she could afford to go to particular festival. we've done this once before, and though i was gung-ho the first time, this time i've really struggled with what to do about it. it's no secret that i'm not working regularly right now, and that cash is stretched thin. this member is also unempolyed, living on disability, and while i'd like to help her reach her goals, i just don't think cash is the way to go. i like to give gifts that are useful, practical, and benefit the recipient in some way, but cash just seems a bit... tacky? hollow? i want to give a gift that is thoughtful and personal, and cash just seems really obvious... and i dunno. i don't like money exchange between friends.
in general i struggle with gift-giving when it comes to specific dates. things like birthdays and holidays feel like deadlines, and i always want to give something meaningful. i struggle with anxiety around wanting to give enough to convey how much i care about someone, without giving so much as to make it uncomfortable. i tend to pick up things as i see them, and as i think of someone, and as a result i have about 4-5 gifts sitting in my house waiting to reach their recipients at any one time. i also have numerous unfinished presents at any one time, made worse when the date passes, and i then feel like i need to have the exact perfect gift, now that the deadline has passed. i also have trouble finishing projects, so i usually have a bunch of unfinished presents in varying stages waiting to be finished and then given away.
anyways, i've decided it's time to look differently at gift giving. i need to resolve my need for perfection. i need to learn to give joyfully without guilt that it may not be "just right", or on time, or whatever other impositions i put on myself. i'm going to start tomorrow, with finishing wrapping a present that has been ready for weeks now, buying the gift i'd like to give rather than the cash that feels expected, and ordering a few things i had been meaning to get for folks. i also need to work out a system, or location in my house to keep all the gifts together so that they are ready to go when i want to give them :)
hurrah!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
perpetewull moshun
i'm feeling really raw this morning. last night - yesterday really i suppose - was incredibly intense, and this morning i'm still processing it all. i know writing it all down is important. i know i need to document my progress in some way. and yet even describing it in text is triggering. i've been zoning in and out while typing, picking at my skin, pulling hairs, cleaning my nails: all the little compulsions that start whenever i'm feeling anxious. i realise part of it is probably also that i'm tired, that i had a glass of wine last night before talking into the wee hours of the morning, but i can't deny that i've been typing for almost half an hour, and there is only a literal dozen words in the next paragraph. this paragraph has grown as i document my struggles with typing, but i really want to just save what i've written and go back to bed. i'm going to type for 25 more minutes, and see if i can't get past this anxiety. if it's still feeling unbearable, i'll take a break and come back to it.
so i tried to finish writing, and then happily got bounced by a call from my pooh-bear. i decided instead of trying to finish getting down the whole story, i would just finish writing about the aftermath, and when i've gotten through that, i'll go back and eventually finish the deets. even now i'm finding it hard to focus - and to leave the tweezers in their case.
i sometimes find it incredible just how much more progress one can make on issues that seemed to be resolved. it's hopeful. the issue in this case is a sexual assault that took place more than 16 years ago, when i was just 13 years old. just a few days ago i signed into facebook only to have a "people you may know" recommendation that nearly made me vomit. there he was, with 5 mutual friends. the man who raped me. i looked at our mutual friends. i clicked on the link for his profile, only to find it set to private. i thought about blocking him. months ago when i first signed up for facebook i had searched for him, so that i could preemptively block him, but didn't find him. this time i didn't block him.
i decided to just leave him there, in my list of people i may know. why? because he has had far too much power over me for far too long. he has effected my sex life, my ability to trust men (male partners in particular), my body image, and so much more. not just the rape itself, but the abuse that lead up to it, and followed it, have placed so many triggers in me. for the most part i thought i had found them all, and some i've even disarmed. as i stepped into the shower after seeing his face for the first time in 8 years, i cried. and i resolved he will no longer control even part of my life.
it was just a few days later when during an intense conversation with my pooh-bear i would start to explain to him that yes, he had upset me. yes, i was beside myself. yes, i was sobbing uncontrollably, but that i realised 95% of my pain was due to wrongs committed in the past by others, and that my reaction was disproportionate to what had triggered it just now. amazingly i managed to keep going in the conversation, and as i pushed further and further back into my baggage, i realised where the whole issue began. and it began with that rape.
without question my pooh has been instrumental in helping me work through stuff. his clear statements that i matter to him, his assertion that i my happiness & and safety are important to him, and most especially that his actions back up his words have been paramount in some of the inroads i've made over the last few weeks. that being said, i must give myself credit. even a year ago that same conversation would have ended with me hanging up, and sobbing myself to sleep. at some point i would likely have blurted out something horrible - such as i'm so upset because you remind me of this guy that raped me - which would have been not only hurtful & untrue, but impossible to take back. the work i've done with exposure exercises has proven effective in reducing not only my anxiety with compulsions and obsessive thoughts, but also with confronting some deep traumas. i'm awesome :)
so i tried to finish writing, and then happily got bounced by a call from my pooh-bear. i decided instead of trying to finish getting down the whole story, i would just finish writing about the aftermath, and when i've gotten through that, i'll go back and eventually finish the deets. even now i'm finding it hard to focus - and to leave the tweezers in their case.
i sometimes find it incredible just how much more progress one can make on issues that seemed to be resolved. it's hopeful. the issue in this case is a sexual assault that took place more than 16 years ago, when i was just 13 years old. just a few days ago i signed into facebook only to have a "people you may know" recommendation that nearly made me vomit. there he was, with 5 mutual friends. the man who raped me. i looked at our mutual friends. i clicked on the link for his profile, only to find it set to private. i thought about blocking him. months ago when i first signed up for facebook i had searched for him, so that i could preemptively block him, but didn't find him. this time i didn't block him.
i decided to just leave him there, in my list of people i may know. why? because he has had far too much power over me for far too long. he has effected my sex life, my ability to trust men (male partners in particular), my body image, and so much more. not just the rape itself, but the abuse that lead up to it, and followed it, have placed so many triggers in me. for the most part i thought i had found them all, and some i've even disarmed. as i stepped into the shower after seeing his face for the first time in 8 years, i cried. and i resolved he will no longer control even part of my life.
it was just a few days later when during an intense conversation with my pooh-bear i would start to explain to him that yes, he had upset me. yes, i was beside myself. yes, i was sobbing uncontrollably, but that i realised 95% of my pain was due to wrongs committed in the past by others, and that my reaction was disproportionate to what had triggered it just now. amazingly i managed to keep going in the conversation, and as i pushed further and further back into my baggage, i realised where the whole issue began. and it began with that rape.
without question my pooh has been instrumental in helping me work through stuff. his clear statements that i matter to him, his assertion that i my happiness & and safety are important to him, and most especially that his actions back up his words have been paramount in some of the inroads i've made over the last few weeks. that being said, i must give myself credit. even a year ago that same conversation would have ended with me hanging up, and sobbing myself to sleep. at some point i would likely have blurted out something horrible - such as i'm so upset because you remind me of this guy that raped me - which would have been not only hurtful & untrue, but impossible to take back. the work i've done with exposure exercises has proven effective in reducing not only my anxiety with compulsions and obsessive thoughts, but also with confronting some deep traumas. i'm awesome :)
Friday, September 12, 2008
betteh awlreddie
i got an awesome visit from a friend who reads my blog after my last post. she showed up and took me out for chai and a chat, which was exactly what i needed. i know it was kinda passive-aggressive, only not aggressive at all :p - to post what amounts to a cry for help, but hey, asking for help any way is progress in and of itself.
backsliding is still better than heading into the deep dark pit of despair with no hope at all, because at least now i have some firm ideas of how to get back out, and i know i've done it before. that's supposed to sound hopeful, but it does still ring a little hollow. i'm not going to pretend that i just need to give myself a pep talk and i instantly feel better, but it does help a bit.
i stumbled via another blog, then a link to another, to another, etc, upon a blogger who also has SAD*, and he wrote about dragging his light out, as he's already feeling symptoms come on. it made me realise that much of what i've been feeling the last few weeks is probably in fact just that. symptoms of something i already have a diagnosis for. i've been so worried about my on-again-off-again appetite, my loss of interest in sex, my exhaustion, my headaches, my crying fits, thinking surely this must be a brain tumour after all, when really it all points to an early start to SAD season. i generally start using my light on the Equinox, and get my supplements and vitamins in order for then too, and it hit me that with 18 straight days of rain, followed by moping indoors, my brain has decided it is already autumn. so tomorrow morning when the cats ask for breakfast, i'm draggin my sorry ass out of bed to the couch to watch yoga and shine the SAD light on my face. it's a start.
*Seasonal Affective Disorder
backsliding is still better than heading into the deep dark pit of despair with no hope at all, because at least now i have some firm ideas of how to get back out, and i know i've done it before. that's supposed to sound hopeful, but it does still ring a little hollow. i'm not going to pretend that i just need to give myself a pep talk and i instantly feel better, but it does help a bit.
i stumbled via another blog, then a link to another, to another, etc, upon a blogger who also has SAD*, and he wrote about dragging his light out, as he's already feeling symptoms come on. it made me realise that much of what i've been feeling the last few weeks is probably in fact just that. symptoms of something i already have a diagnosis for. i've been so worried about my on-again-off-again appetite, my loss of interest in sex, my exhaustion, my headaches, my crying fits, thinking surely this must be a brain tumour after all, when really it all points to an early start to SAD season. i generally start using my light on the Equinox, and get my supplements and vitamins in order for then too, and it hit me that with 18 straight days of rain, followed by moping indoors, my brain has decided it is already autumn. so tomorrow morning when the cats ask for breakfast, i'm draggin my sorry ass out of bed to the couch to watch yoga and shine the SAD light on my face. it's a start.
*Seasonal Affective Disorder
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
runninks jest as fast as ai kan, holdinks onto nobudee's handz...
i'm feeling stuck, as though i'm not moving. at the same time, i'm aware that my backslide is picking up speed, and that i'm running farther and farther away from everyone i love (at least in my head). i've decided with certainty to break up with one of my partners, and the boy has as well. i'm torn between suggesting we talk with her together - so at least when she tells us to fuck off 5 minutes into the conversation we have each other to talk with - and just not speaking to her again. it's not even because it would be easier to avoid the likely conflict, it's that i resent spending time and money going to see her, putting the effort into arranging a meeting, when she'll probably run out in tears, or just scream at me. i just don't care enough to invest the resources when it won't matter to her what i say, and when i know i don't even care enough to follow after her if she bolts.
i know i'm depressed. the signs are all there. i've stopped showering for the most part. i've stopped masturbating. i wear the same clothes for days on end. i forget to eat day after day. last week i had raging diarrhea for 4 solid days (pun not particularly intended, but humorous none-the-less) along with stuffy nose, headaches, nausea and achy back, and i just laid about, ignoring the phone, and emails, and everything else. i'm down to checking voicemail once a week or less, and i've just stopped trying to reply to messages, or even leave the house most of the time. obviously the virus took a lot out of me, but it's more than that. the other day my legs gave out and i fell, just feeling really light-headed and weak. it was then i realised it was 9pm, and i hadn't eaten. i had a white bagel with margarine and salt at some point through the night, but beyond that i couldn't really remember the last time i ate. even after that wake-up call and the end of the nausea, i've been struggling to find the enthusiasm for food.
i'm really not making decisions at all either. i had so many plans this past weekend, 3 close friends celebrating their birthdays, a grandfather turning 80, the breakup to carry out, a cousin's moving away party, a girlfriend's moving to a different city party, a stag & doe party, and a coffee date with a dear friend i've been putting off for a week or more. so friday i logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and realised that the girlfriend's party was in fact about to start, not the following night as i had thought. and i just broke down. i sent her a hurried note, expressing my desire to see her before she went back to school, but i haven't been back to check if she replied. i'm so afraid that she'll be upset, or that she'll know i want to break up with her primary that she won't want to see me again. and unlike her girlfriend, this is a woman i have really strong feelings for.
i cried and hid in my house, and then instead of planning the rest of the weekend out so i could see as many other loved ones as possible, i just avoided them all. in my head i'm sure most of my fears are totally unreasonable, and that my nearly overwhelming desire to self-harm is compulsion. that knowledge doesn't seem to be undoing their effectiveness. i justified not contacting the cousin who is moving away by telling myself the party would be too overwhelming. i avoided the stag & doe because i wouldn't know many people there. i didn't even message back the friend who i was meeting for coffee when she wished me luck on my MRI, let alone to meet her for drinks. i told myself i was still feeling crummy so i'd be a drag if i followed along on another friend's birthday adventures, besides there were multiple events planned for the weekend, and i couldn't remember which day was actually her b-day, because there was so much going on. i was told the main party for my grandfather was not to include grandkids, so i decided to not even try for a visit yesterday. in the end i felt like such an asshole, and that noone could even possibly want to hear from me, that i didn't call a single person all weekend. and now the likelihood that i've hurt and worried everyone makes me so anxious that it feels easier to just not call or message any of them ever again.
i'm in such a self-deprecating headspace that i find myself re-questioning all of my relationships, and wanting to bow out. i didn't see a dear friend for most of the summer, and when i finally did i felt so distant from her that much of the time i'm absolutely certain she wants to end our friendship. she's not said anything directly - and is totally the kind of person who would - but my anxious mind keeps adding up all the little things into a feeling that i have nothing left to offer her, except maybe free babysitting. fuck that sounds so shitty, like she's taking advantage of me or something, but it's just the opposite. she's got new & old people in her life that are doing all the things i used to do with her before the summer, and i'm broke, emotionally raw, and lonely. how could i possibly be any fun to have around.
i want to call and cancel all of my appointments this week. i want to skip the first drum class i had been hoping to attend. i want to turn off the phone, set my facebook status to crazy and just check out. i know i feel impossibly lonely and isolated right now, and i know it's of my own doing. i also know that getting out of the house and actually being around people again is probably exactly what i need. every time i reach out though, i feel so awkward and guilty. i say all the wrong things. i haven't said the right things when friends have emailed their own bad news. i haven't been excited enough when they've sent me good news. i've read all the messages, then just sat here feeling useless. part of me hopes that i do have a brain tumour, and that it's big enough they can't treat it, and that way i'll stop laying around consuming resources, without giving anything back.
i know i'm depressed. the signs are all there. i've stopped showering for the most part. i've stopped masturbating. i wear the same clothes for days on end. i forget to eat day after day. last week i had raging diarrhea for 4 solid days (pun not particularly intended, but humorous none-the-less) along with stuffy nose, headaches, nausea and achy back, and i just laid about, ignoring the phone, and emails, and everything else. i'm down to checking voicemail once a week or less, and i've just stopped trying to reply to messages, or even leave the house most of the time. obviously the virus took a lot out of me, but it's more than that. the other day my legs gave out and i fell, just feeling really light-headed and weak. it was then i realised it was 9pm, and i hadn't eaten. i had a white bagel with margarine and salt at some point through the night, but beyond that i couldn't really remember the last time i ate. even after that wake-up call and the end of the nausea, i've been struggling to find the enthusiasm for food.
i'm really not making decisions at all either. i had so many plans this past weekend, 3 close friends celebrating their birthdays, a grandfather turning 80, the breakup to carry out, a cousin's moving away party, a girlfriend's moving to a different city party, a stag & doe party, and a coffee date with a dear friend i've been putting off for a week or more. so friday i logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and realised that the girlfriend's party was in fact about to start, not the following night as i had thought. and i just broke down. i sent her a hurried note, expressing my desire to see her before she went back to school, but i haven't been back to check if she replied. i'm so afraid that she'll be upset, or that she'll know i want to break up with her primary that she won't want to see me again. and unlike her girlfriend, this is a woman i have really strong feelings for.
i cried and hid in my house, and then instead of planning the rest of the weekend out so i could see as many other loved ones as possible, i just avoided them all. in my head i'm sure most of my fears are totally unreasonable, and that my nearly overwhelming desire to self-harm is compulsion. that knowledge doesn't seem to be undoing their effectiveness. i justified not contacting the cousin who is moving away by telling myself the party would be too overwhelming. i avoided the stag & doe because i wouldn't know many people there. i didn't even message back the friend who i was meeting for coffee when she wished me luck on my MRI, let alone to meet her for drinks. i told myself i was still feeling crummy so i'd be a drag if i followed along on another friend's birthday adventures, besides there were multiple events planned for the weekend, and i couldn't remember which day was actually her b-day, because there was so much going on. i was told the main party for my grandfather was not to include grandkids, so i decided to not even try for a visit yesterday. in the end i felt like such an asshole, and that noone could even possibly want to hear from me, that i didn't call a single person all weekend. and now the likelihood that i've hurt and worried everyone makes me so anxious that it feels easier to just not call or message any of them ever again.
i'm in such a self-deprecating headspace that i find myself re-questioning all of my relationships, and wanting to bow out. i didn't see a dear friend for most of the summer, and when i finally did i felt so distant from her that much of the time i'm absolutely certain she wants to end our friendship. she's not said anything directly - and is totally the kind of person who would - but my anxious mind keeps adding up all the little things into a feeling that i have nothing left to offer her, except maybe free babysitting. fuck that sounds so shitty, like she's taking advantage of me or something, but it's just the opposite. she's got new & old people in her life that are doing all the things i used to do with her before the summer, and i'm broke, emotionally raw, and lonely. how could i possibly be any fun to have around.
i want to call and cancel all of my appointments this week. i want to skip the first drum class i had been hoping to attend. i want to turn off the phone, set my facebook status to crazy and just check out. i know i feel impossibly lonely and isolated right now, and i know it's of my own doing. i also know that getting out of the house and actually being around people again is probably exactly what i need. every time i reach out though, i feel so awkward and guilty. i say all the wrong things. i haven't said the right things when friends have emailed their own bad news. i haven't been excited enough when they've sent me good news. i've read all the messages, then just sat here feeling useless. part of me hopes that i do have a brain tumour, and that it's big enough they can't treat it, and that way i'll stop laying around consuming resources, without giving anything back.
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