beet uv a kwandree

heh, kitteh pidgen cracks me up. anywho, i realise i have done little writing on the blog of late with respect to relationships, and it's time for an update - else my quandary will make little sense. in a nut shell, the woman i had been seeing casually has become a regular fixture in my life, and her girlfriend has as well. the high school boyfriend is now dating all three of us, and for the most part it's going really well. all three of them live in a different city than i, but the same city as each other, and i like it that way. i still don't feel like i'm ready for the kind of intense relationship i'd classify as a primary partnership, and this allows me to keep them all at arm's length.

so here's my quandary. i'm at the point when i would be running away usually. i've gotten to the point where the initial enthusiasm has waned, and i fear that i may have overestimated the others' desire to be with me. i fear that this is not much more than casual hooking up, and that my understanding of it as dating was somehow... i dunno. that i was just wrong in how everyone else feels about me. at the same time, i'm starting to doubt my feelings for each of them, i think as a way of putting distance between us. mostly i'm questioning my feelings for one of the women in particular, or rather my commitment to seeing her. i just don't feel enthusiastic about going to visit her. i don't feel like putting any effort into talking with her. i just...don't feel like it's worth the effort. i just don't feel like she's worth the effort.

so i suppose that doesn't seem like much of a quandary. except i only want to break up with this one partner, and i want to keep seeing her girlfriend. and our mutual boyfriend. i think if she treated me shittily alone, i would think it's just me, but it's all of us. and i don't want things to be awkward if i break up with just her - between myself and the other two that is. i wish i knew how everyone else is feeling, and if they see her jerkiness the way that i do too. i kinda wish we could just all three us dump her ass and be happy without her.

watt's goinks awn?

i've noticed, or rather it has been brought to my attention, that many of the very spiritual people i know have been having a really difficult run of late. some of it is financial, but much of it is poor health of self and immediate family. household upheavals seem common, as do dramatic schisms with friends & lovers (or would-be lovers). i'm trying to remain positive about it, and focus on the hope that change is just around the corner, perhaps with tonight's full moon.

my anxiety has been steadily increasing lately as i continue on this job-hunting pursuit. i'm positive that it's mostly due to my own avoidance and procrastination. the more i avoid things that make me anxious, of course, the more anxious i become. i've let myself get really overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things hanging over my head, and rather than calmly and deliberately carving away at the list, i've gotten back into the mode of laying in bed feeling terribly overwhelmed, crying and/or worrying myself to sleep.

there's so much superawesomeness in my life right now, so i'm going to give myself a shift of head space by cultivating some gratitude:
* i'm so grateful that a dear friend is home safe & sound from her journeys, and has brought her bestest friend back with her. she so deserves to be surrounded by love & adoration.
* i'm so grateful that my companion animals are in good health, and happier than ever.
* i'm so grateful i live in such a vibrant community with neighbours who have become some of my closest friends, and teachers.
* i'm so grateful that i live in a country where medicare is covered by our government, and where i have access to so many medical resources.
* i'm so grateful to be going for an MRI to examine my pituitary & thyroid glands, so we can hopefully, finally, get to the bottom of my health problems.
* i'm incredibly grateful that the most likely cause of my dis-ease is a benign pituitary growth, and that the tumour can be treated easily with oral medications.
* i'm terribly grateful that i bought a hand drum in the spring, and that the practice has been making me a more confident, capable drummer.
* i'm so very grateful that i have Reiki.
* i'm so very very grateful that my grandfather's health & mind are improving on the new medication for Alzheimer's. i'm so glad he is so happy.
* i'm so grateful i have so many skills, and so much experience at my disposal, that i will be able to find, and do, meaningful work in the very near future.

ai kynda wishes dey made dis magazeen...

Cute overload, teh blog that i love, posted the following not so long ago...