from notebook: november 8/09
There's this kind of beautiful promise in a brand-new notebook - pages perfectly clean & untouched, edges crisp, the sound and sensations of turning a page for the very first time it's ever been turned.
I'm hoping this week - maybe even today - i will finish off my last notebook & be able to recycle it all. It's a work book really. It contains notes from my OCD hoarding texts, draughts of poems, a dozen or so fragments of journal entries that were intended to become blog posts, plus to-do lists, gratitude lists, accomplishment logs, shopping lists, etc. The poems i intend to type into my laptop, & email the files to myself (just in case), and likewise with the notes from a recent business course. The gratitude lists i'll probably re-read for a smile, then let go to recycling. . . some of it will make it into this brand-new notebook, i'm sure.
Things have been happening at what feels like break-neck speed lately. I'm incredibly grateful for having received my Reiki Master/Teacher training in June, most especially for the attunement themselves. We did a lot of healing work on ourselves and each other, and the attunements (like a Buddhist empowerment, or a Christian sacrament of baptism) cleared so much energy, so much resistance in my life. I feel like most days i can now just intend for something to be learned, or some past hurt to be let go, or what have you, and it just happens. It's new and powerful, and sometimes i forget about it. It's a good thing to remember, because i certainly don't want to focus my intent on negativity, but also because there's no good reason to make things any more difficult than they need to be.
The energetic and physical clearing happening in my home is very nearly breathtaking. I realise that probably seems like a funny thing to say. . . i imagine most people just think they'd like to have a clean, tidy house, and then just do it. Then again, perhaps more people find decluttering difficult than i believe is the case. Regardless, this process of overcoming my OCD-driven hoarding is an absolute joy. It's brutally hard work at times. It's emotionally exhausting, mentally challenging, and has pushed me to the absolute limits of what i believed i was capable of. The end result, thus far, is that i've had to accept that i'm capable of far more than i ever gave myself credit for. That's a little un-nerving i suppose, but overall, sheer bliss <3
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
not the kind of heart-pounding excitement i'm generally into...
i’m absolutely terrified.
My Muse’s heart is pounding – a fast, irregular beat that’s hard to pin down. My mother’s dad died when he was 42. A past love died at age 41. My last partner’s father died at 44. That alone wouldn’t be enough to launch me into paranoia, but my Muse was also diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. He told me he was once given just a few months to get his blood sugars under control before being prescribed insulin, which he did. I’m skeptical when he says he’s not currently diabetic, because my understanding was that insulin treatment comes well into the progression of diabetes, not near the beginning. I’m confused and concerned: Muse has been avoiding testing his blood sugars for i’m not sure how long, but certainly a few months, as i don’t believe he’s tested them since we’ve been dating.
i know he’s an intelligent man – he’s seriously a fucking criminal genius (except mostly law-abiding) – and in most ways he’s soooo good at taking care of himself. He pays attention t o the amount of sleep he gets, drinks lots of water & little alcohol, avoids too many sweets…he keeps his mind open & clear with challenging reading and serene meditation…i could go on, but the overall pattern is that he’s good at balance in most things, and he dives deeply into things to fully understand them. I find it hard to believe that he dedicated himself to lowering his blood sugars (and did it) without totally throwing himself into understanding insulin-related illness, their etiology, prevention, and treatment.
Because of all this, i can’t get my head around the possibility that he may not understand (or know all about) the long-term consequences of continually fluctuating blood sugars and/or untreated diabetes. The damage to internal organs alone is frightening, nevermind the threat to limbs and extremities. There’s got to be something else going on, and i have no idea what.
I don’t know what to do. Earlier he was complaining of back pain & a stiff, sore shoulder. He’s getting over the flu, and often suffers shoulder pain. He had a tightly wincing pain in his neck…same possible explanation as above. Last night and today his breathing was laboured and wheezy…fuck, and now this. After he told me about the chest pain i started to get really scared & he could see/feel my rising panic & immediately recoiled, and asked me to stop…i don’t think my fear is at all helpful, and i don’t think it’s at all unreasonable either… maybe i should just go upstairs and check in… i don’t think i can be there without worrying – and that’s stressful for him. If i’m down here on the couch worrying, will that be stressful? Fuck. I’m so afraid he’s having a heart attack…
* * * * *
So i chose to go upstairs, and when i did, Muse was happy to see me again. We snuggled briefly, my mind racing about how much – if anything – to say. After what seemed like only a moment, he said he needed more space. i was so confused. i tried to make myself as small as possible, to take up just a sliver of the edge of the bed, hoping he just meant physical space, and that he would give me some indication of wanting to snuggle again, if that’s what he wanted. I was so cold, so heartbroken…the gap between us felt like a vast emotional chasm & the actual space let in a stream of cold air down over my extremely sore spine. I shivered with sadness, cold, & pain through the night. At one point Muse got up to use the loo, & when he came back he crawled on top of me, over the blankets. He said he was loving me up because i seemed so sad, but when i asked why he thought that was, he just sighed and went back to his side of the bed.
It was a long night, and in spite of all my physical discomfort & emotional angst, i actually came to some good insights. I realised i’d been making some decisions over the previous few days that were really self-sacrificing in an unhealthy way… I don’t want to insinuate that selflessness is a bad thing, even for me. I think making decisions for the benefit of others is a beautiful thing when done joyfully, but it’s not at all beneficial (for anyone) when it’s done out of feelings of obligation, or self-deprecation, or when there’s an expectation of anything in return. I need to come to some…conclusions…decisions? i don’t know the word i’m looking for. I need to find ways i can support my Muse in his journey towards better health that feel good for me, and that also feel good for him. I also need to find a way to be able to express my concerns for his health in a way that he understands comes from a place of love, and a desire to see him happy… We had a decent chat in the morning, before we needed to part ways. i’m hopeful we’ll get to a good place with this. In the meantime i’m taking some time to review my own self-care goals, and recommit to the ones i’m already working on. First stop, yoga!
My Muse’s heart is pounding – a fast, irregular beat that’s hard to pin down. My mother’s dad died when he was 42. A past love died at age 41. My last partner’s father died at 44. That alone wouldn’t be enough to launch me into paranoia, but my Muse was also diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. He told me he was once given just a few months to get his blood sugars under control before being prescribed insulin, which he did. I’m skeptical when he says he’s not currently diabetic, because my understanding was that insulin treatment comes well into the progression of diabetes, not near the beginning. I’m confused and concerned: Muse has been avoiding testing his blood sugars for i’m not sure how long, but certainly a few months, as i don’t believe he’s tested them since we’ve been dating.
i know he’s an intelligent man – he’s seriously a fucking criminal genius (except mostly law-abiding) – and in most ways he’s soooo good at taking care of himself. He pays attention t o the amount of sleep he gets, drinks lots of water & little alcohol, avoids too many sweets…he keeps his mind open & clear with challenging reading and serene meditation…i could go on, but the overall pattern is that he’s good at balance in most things, and he dives deeply into things to fully understand them. I find it hard to believe that he dedicated himself to lowering his blood sugars (and did it) without totally throwing himself into understanding insulin-related illness, their etiology, prevention, and treatment.
Because of all this, i can’t get my head around the possibility that he may not understand (or know all about) the long-term consequences of continually fluctuating blood sugars and/or untreated diabetes. The damage to internal organs alone is frightening, nevermind the threat to limbs and extremities. There’s got to be something else going on, and i have no idea what.
I don’t know what to do. Earlier he was complaining of back pain & a stiff, sore shoulder. He’s getting over the flu, and often suffers shoulder pain. He had a tightly wincing pain in his neck…same possible explanation as above. Last night and today his breathing was laboured and wheezy…fuck, and now this. After he told me about the chest pain i started to get really scared & he could see/feel my rising panic & immediately recoiled, and asked me to stop…i don’t think my fear is at all helpful, and i don’t think it’s at all unreasonable either… maybe i should just go upstairs and check in… i don’t think i can be there without worrying – and that’s stressful for him. If i’m down here on the couch worrying, will that be stressful? Fuck. I’m so afraid he’s having a heart attack…
* * * * *
So i chose to go upstairs, and when i did, Muse was happy to see me again. We snuggled briefly, my mind racing about how much – if anything – to say. After what seemed like only a moment, he said he needed more space. i was so confused. i tried to make myself as small as possible, to take up just a sliver of the edge of the bed, hoping he just meant physical space, and that he would give me some indication of wanting to snuggle again, if that’s what he wanted. I was so cold, so heartbroken…the gap between us felt like a vast emotional chasm & the actual space let in a stream of cold air down over my extremely sore spine. I shivered with sadness, cold, & pain through the night. At one point Muse got up to use the loo, & when he came back he crawled on top of me, over the blankets. He said he was loving me up because i seemed so sad, but when i asked why he thought that was, he just sighed and went back to his side of the bed.
It was a long night, and in spite of all my physical discomfort & emotional angst, i actually came to some good insights. I realised i’d been making some decisions over the previous few days that were really self-sacrificing in an unhealthy way… I don’t want to insinuate that selflessness is a bad thing, even for me. I think making decisions for the benefit of others is a beautiful thing when done joyfully, but it’s not at all beneficial (for anyone) when it’s done out of feelings of obligation, or self-deprecation, or when there’s an expectation of anything in return. I need to come to some…conclusions…decisions? i don’t know the word i’m looking for. I need to find ways i can support my Muse in his journey towards better health that feel good for me, and that also feel good for him. I also need to find a way to be able to express my concerns for his health in a way that he understands comes from a place of love, and a desire to see him happy… We had a decent chat in the morning, before we needed to part ways. i’m hopeful we’ll get to a good place with this. In the meantime i’m taking some time to review my own self-care goals, and recommit to the ones i’m already working on. First stop, yoga!
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