werk out

today i officially started my job search. or at least i started the process off beginning a job search. i've been gradually exposing myself to job-hunting anxiety to get myself ready, by looking through government job postings and narrowing them down to things i might actually like to apply for. then i sit and read them and think about how i might apply. what the job might be like to do.

i know that the resume building process is one of the most difficult aspects for me, so i'm meeting with a worker at a local employment assistance organisation to find out exactly what kinds of services they offer, and to get their support as i embark on this process. i'm excited. i'm terrified. i'm tired. so i rebooked until monday, so i can have a nap and not risk over sleeping my appointment. hopefully by then i will have found an old resume or two, so perhaps i can even begin working on it after the appointment monday. it would certainly be awesome.

happeh noo moon

just an hour ago, the moon went into her darkest phase. at this point, the moon appears almost completely missing from the sky. it's a powerful time for many of us following a pagan path; a time to begin new things, and to consider new directions. i've been doing a lot of thinking, but not so much doing.

it's not just this blog i've been neglecting, it's everything. i can't even remember the last time i checked my phone messages. i was away for a few weeks, and kinda made that my excuse for checking - long distance and roaming charges - but still haven't done it since returning. i've been avoiding calling my psychologist, the one who deals specifically with my OCD. i've also been using far more in the way of intoxicants than i usually do. just marijuana and alcohol, but in much larger quantities than i generally do. i've even considered taking some that i've never taken before - ecstasy in particular - and that worries me a little. i've been seeing a woman in another city somewhat casually for a few months now, and she and her girlfriend are huge partyers. hedonists. addicts perhaps even? i'm tempted to use some of the drugs they use when we are together, and i know i really need to examine why that is. is it to feel accepted into the group? is it to try and make myself more appealing to this woman i am crazy about? and her girlfriend i am also very interested in? is it to quell the anxiety i sometimes feel about being the only sober one around? is it because sometimes i still feel like a real square?

okay. so the possible healthy benefits of trying ecstasy are: 

- confronting my anxiety that any chemical drugs would immediately, permanently turn me into a paranoid schizophrenic, or at least exacerbate my current OCD & depression to the point of making me unable to function.

- experiencing a change in awareness that could deepen my spiritual being

- having fun with people i care about

the possible unhealthy consequences of trying ecstasy are:

- possible negative, serious, even potentially life-threatening drug interaction between e and my current psychiatric medications

- long-term cognitive or behavioural changes as a result of use (anxiety!!)

- breaking down of my own barriers/standards to make me more appealing to someone i like, leaving me feeling weak-willed & pathetic, plus less able to stand up for myself when necessary

i also have serious political objections to many of the available street drugs, that i just can't brush aside, and that i can't satisfy with unregulated drugs. for example, cocaine doesn't come in fair-trade certified. i don't have access in any way to knowledge if this particular coke has helped fund a violent coup of a democratically elected socialist government, or a help arm militia who regularly rape women, or even if the cacao farmers got paid for their crops.

i don't know how many children and animals were exposed to toxic chemicals in the production of this (metaphorical) piece of crystal meth. i don't know if a woman was forced by an abusive partner to shoplift the ingredients for fear of being beaten later. i don't know if a small family-owned pharmacy has been crippled financially by thefts of the drugs taken to make meth.

bottom line, at this point i need to do some independent research as to the possible interactions between street drugs and my current regiment of medications. it's all kinda moot until i figure that out. if there are any that i then would in theory feel comfortable using, further examination can take place at that time. or else i have a really good explanation for why i don't use the next time i'm offered, instead of just saying "i don't know, i've just always drawn the line there..."