Monday, June 30, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
seekrit...
sixteen years ago yesterday i was raped. it feels like he's raped me almost every day since then. i'm not letting him rape me anymore.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
lurve letteh
i got a little weepy today, in a good way. i logged into my facebook account, mostly to waste time playing a silly game, when i discovered the following in my inbox:
"I was thinking about you today. Randomly. You taught me so fucking much in the years we lived together - gave me so much awesome vicarious experience, that you shared with me. You're awesome. Seriously."
wow. i don't even know what to say really. i'm still taking in all in.
"I was thinking about you today. Randomly. You taught me so fucking much in the years we lived together - gave me so much awesome vicarious experience, that you shared with me. You're awesome. Seriously."
wow. i don't even know what to say really. i'm still taking in all in.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
mai happeh. let me show yoo eet.
i feel really happy right now. not really happy as in extraordinarily happy, but really happy as in truly, veritably, measurably happy. case in point, today was the first day since thursday i have felt anxious. there have been a few panicky moments, and little compulsions, but until tonight no spiralling, racing, insecure thoughts. that's four entire days of what - to me - seems utter bliss.
in writing "measurably happy" above, i was specifically referencing my dear old friend, the BECK Depression Inventory. for those of you unfamiliar with the scale, it's a series of 21 groups of statements about different areas of self-image, emotions, and physical symptoms of depression. in each series the statements range from not experiencing this at all, to this symptom is overwhelming me, and are scored 0, 1, 2, 3, accordingly. i can't give specific examples, or link to a page* (lest somehow i be caught and prosecuted for copyright infringement), but i think it will suffice to say the scale goes from 0-63, with 63 having all the symptoms of depression in their very worst form.
last summer and fall, under my psychiatrist's supervision, i was anywhere between the high 30s and the low 50s. since anything above 30 is profound (or some similarly depressing word) depression, at that point it's just a measure of how utterly hopeless, and generally suicidal, you feel. it's been obvious to me that i've been steadily improving, and the number would have dropped since then, so last night i pulled up my good friend BECK & tallied them up. i'm rather elated to say i scored a 21! huzzah! mild depression: i have arrived.
the last time i clearly remember returning from the brink to such a state of health was close to 4 years ago. somewhere in the middle of intense yoga practice and cognitive behavioural therapy, my score dropped to a 17. you might think i'd be elated, but instead i had a complete breakdown. i cried. i shook. i came close to vomiting. i sobbed, and blubbered, and looked around the room in horror to see my CBT group mates all staring at me in amazement. i knew just what they were thinking: "isn't less depressed what we've all been aiming for?"
and that's just it. less depressed is what we aim for. from that bleak, hopeless, and terrifying place deep inside the grasp of depression we can see only so far - and we see ourselves in such a way that depression also takes over our self-concept. when i first crawled to freedom, i realised that in that moment, the moment i saw myself as a 17, i had absolutely no idea who i was if i wasn't depressed. i had no idea what i wanted from life, other than relief. i had no idea how to live my life as a happy person. the only thing i was sure of was that i, me the depressed person, she who wallows in sadness, could not possibly deserve to be happy.
it's taken years to get through that one negative core belief, and to truly believe everyone deserves some measure of happiness, and that everyone includes me. that yes, i have weaknesses, illnesses, flaws, and so does everyone else. not everyone is depressed, true. not everyone has ocd, true. not everyone whatever. we have all done or not done things that are regrettable and/or hurtful to others and/or just simply wrong at the time. yet we all deserve the chance to keep doing better; to get all the highs, all the lows, and yes, even the happiness, that come from doing better.
even me :)
* nor would it be entirely ethical to do so, as the inventory is meant to be completed with your physician, psychiatrist, or similar professional. please don't just download and check it off on your own, then draw inferences from your score. if you believe you or someone you care about may be depressed, please seek out someone to support you (and them) through the process. end public service announcement.
in writing "measurably happy" above, i was specifically referencing my dear old friend, the BECK Depression Inventory. for those of you unfamiliar with the scale, it's a series of 21 groups of statements about different areas of self-image, emotions, and physical symptoms of depression. in each series the statements range from not experiencing this at all, to this symptom is overwhelming me, and are scored 0, 1, 2, 3, accordingly. i can't give specific examples, or link to a page* (lest somehow i be caught and prosecuted for copyright infringement), but i think it will suffice to say the scale goes from 0-63, with 63 having all the symptoms of depression in their very worst form.
last summer and fall, under my psychiatrist's supervision, i was anywhere between the high 30s and the low 50s. since anything above 30 is profound (or some similarly depressing word) depression, at that point it's just a measure of how utterly hopeless, and generally suicidal, you feel. it's been obvious to me that i've been steadily improving, and the number would have dropped since then, so last night i pulled up my good friend BECK & tallied them up. i'm rather elated to say i scored a 21! huzzah! mild depression: i have arrived.
the last time i clearly remember returning from the brink to such a state of health was close to 4 years ago. somewhere in the middle of intense yoga practice and cognitive behavioural therapy, my score dropped to a 17. you might think i'd be elated, but instead i had a complete breakdown. i cried. i shook. i came close to vomiting. i sobbed, and blubbered, and looked around the room in horror to see my CBT group mates all staring at me in amazement. i knew just what they were thinking: "isn't less depressed what we've all been aiming for?"
and that's just it. less depressed is what we aim for. from that bleak, hopeless, and terrifying place deep inside the grasp of depression we can see only so far - and we see ourselves in such a way that depression also takes over our self-concept. when i first crawled to freedom, i realised that in that moment, the moment i saw myself as a 17, i had absolutely no idea who i was if i wasn't depressed. i had no idea what i wanted from life, other than relief. i had no idea how to live my life as a happy person. the only thing i was sure of was that i, me the depressed person, she who wallows in sadness, could not possibly deserve to be happy.
it's taken years to get through that one negative core belief, and to truly believe everyone deserves some measure of happiness, and that everyone includes me. that yes, i have weaknesses, illnesses, flaws, and so does everyone else. not everyone is depressed, true. not everyone has ocd, true. not everyone whatever. we have all done or not done things that are regrettable and/or hurtful to others and/or just simply wrong at the time. yet we all deserve the chance to keep doing better; to get all the highs, all the lows, and yes, even the happiness, that come from doing better.
even me :)
* nor would it be entirely ethical to do so, as the inventory is meant to be completed with your physician, psychiatrist, or similar professional. please don't just download and check it off on your own, then draw inferences from your score. if you believe you or someone you care about may be depressed, please seek out someone to support you (and them) through the process. end public service announcement.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
yootooob ocd movies
there's a whole community of people with ocd on youtube, posting videos confessing all their obsessions and compulsions. i love the videos, and i'm going to do one of my own :) it's a really neat idea, and i find watching helps me recognise and confront my own compulsions.
here's a video that started a whole flurry of other videos. i warn you though, i had to wash my face while watching :P
here's a video that started a whole flurry of other videos. i warn you though, i had to wash my face while watching :P
Monday, June 2, 2008
seekrits
i'm a big fan of post secret. i have never taken the time to read through one of the books, though i check the sunday secrets almost religiously. i'm especially a fan of the dialogue that surrounds each secret - the emails sent in to comment, some of which frank posts, really enrich the whole sharing process.
i've considered posting secrets to this blog, knowing only a very small handful of close loved ones have the address. i hope there are other readers from time to time, if only someone looking for info on mental health, who skims and finds the hope that recovery is possible. i don't give the address to casual friends, or even most close friends, and certainly not to any lovers. this blog is more journal than anything, and there are few people i would let read my diaries :)
that being said, i'm feeling it difficult to get together the time and supplies, (and mostly the ovaries) to put together a really good secret to mail in. the ones that i have truly never told anyone are so deep that i can hardly bring myself to admit them. just about everything else i've told someone at some point. i think it's a way of trying to protect myself. if i've already introduced you to the skeletons in my closet, i can control what you know about them, and pretend i don't care if i see you peeking around the door.
so i sit here enjoying a gorgeous summer storm that i literally watched blow in over the course of an hour, and i feel again the pull to share something here. something juicy. something i've never shared before. something i don't even tell my cats :P
maybe i'll go eat popcorn until the feeling passes...
i've considered posting secrets to this blog, knowing only a very small handful of close loved ones have the address. i hope there are other readers from time to time, if only someone looking for info on mental health, who skims and finds the hope that recovery is possible. i don't give the address to casual friends, or even most close friends, and certainly not to any lovers. this blog is more journal than anything, and there are few people i would let read my diaries :)
that being said, i'm feeling it difficult to get together the time and supplies, (and mostly the ovaries) to put together a really good secret to mail in. the ones that i have truly never told anyone are so deep that i can hardly bring myself to admit them. just about everything else i've told someone at some point. i think it's a way of trying to protect myself. if i've already introduced you to the skeletons in my closet, i can control what you know about them, and pretend i don't care if i see you peeking around the door.
so i sit here enjoying a gorgeous summer storm that i literally watched blow in over the course of an hour, and i feel again the pull to share something here. something juicy. something i've never shared before. something i don't even tell my cats :P
maybe i'll go eat popcorn until the feeling passes...
bakk in teh saddul agin
so after a tragic liquid meets laptop incident a few weeks ago, along with multiple trips to my favourite independent computer shop for cleaning and repairs, it's taken me a bit to get back at blogging regularly :) the irony/syncronicity/blessing in it all is that recently i spoke to a friend about wanting to spend a week or so less plugged-in, and see what i would get up to if i spent less time online. after 18 hours of not checking my crackbook account, it became increasingly clear that i was unable to resist the pull of the internets. as per usual, the universe is conspiring to give me exactly what i ask for :)
i'll be posting more regularly again for a bit - until my summer travels begin - and posting some journal entries i wrote on paper in the mean time. i hope the universe is also conspiring to shower you with blessings today. enjoy!
i'll be posting more regularly again for a bit - until my summer travels begin - and posting some journal entries i wrote on paper in the mean time. i hope the universe is also conspiring to shower you with blessings today. enjoy!
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