i feel really happy right now. not really happy as in extraordinarily happy, but really happy as in truly, veritably, measurably happy. case in point, today was the first day since thursday i have felt anxious. there have been a few panicky moments, and little compulsions, but until tonight no spiralling, racing, insecure thoughts. that's four entire days of what - to me - seems utter bliss.
in writing "measurably happy" above, i was specifically referencing my dear old friend, the BECK Depression Inventory. for those of you unfamiliar with the scale, it's a series of 21 groups of statements about different areas of self-image, emotions, and physical symptoms of depression. in each series the statements range from not experiencing this at all, to this symptom is overwhelming me, and are scored 0, 1, 2, 3, accordingly. i can't give specific examples, or link to a page* (lest somehow i be caught and prosecuted for copyright infringement), but i think it will suffice to say the scale goes from 0-63, with 63 having all the symptoms of depression in their very worst form.
last summer and fall, under my psychiatrist's supervision, i was anywhere between the high 30s and the low 50s. since anything above 30 is profound (or some similarly depressing word) depression, at that point it's just a measure of how utterly hopeless, and generally suicidal, you feel. it's been obvious to me that i've been steadily improving, and the number would have dropped since then, so last night i pulled up my good friend BECK & tallied them up. i'm rather elated to say i scored a 21! huzzah! mild depression: i have arrived.
the last time i clearly remember returning from the brink to such a state of health was close to 4 years ago. somewhere in the middle of intense yoga practice and cognitive behavioural therapy, my score dropped to a 17. you might think i'd be elated, but instead i had a complete breakdown. i cried. i shook. i came close to vomiting. i sobbed, and blubbered, and looked around the room in horror to see my CBT group mates all staring at me in amazement. i knew just what they were thinking: "isn't less depressed what we've all been aiming for?"
and that's just it. less depressed is what we aim for. from that bleak, hopeless, and terrifying place deep inside the grasp of depression we can see only so far - and we see ourselves in such a way that depression also takes over our self-concept. when i first crawled to freedom, i realised that in that moment, the moment i saw myself as a 17, i had absolutely no idea who i was if i wasn't depressed. i had no idea what i wanted from life, other than relief. i had no idea how to live my life as a happy person. the only thing i was sure of was that i, me the depressed person, she who wallows in sadness, could not possibly deserve to be happy.
it's taken years to get through that one negative core belief, and to truly believe everyone deserves some measure of happiness, and that everyone includes me. that yes, i have weaknesses, illnesses, flaws, and so does everyone else. not everyone is depressed, true. not everyone has ocd, true. not everyone whatever. we have all done or not done things that are regrettable and/or hurtful to others and/or just simply wrong at the time. yet we all deserve the chance to keep doing better; to get all the highs, all the lows, and yes, even the happiness, that come from doing better.
even me :)
* nor would it be entirely ethical to do so, as the inventory is meant to be completed with your physician, psychiatrist, or similar professional. please don't just download and check it off on your own, then draw inferences from your score. if you believe you or someone you care about may be depressed, please seek out someone to support you (and them) through the process. end public service announcement.
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