conversations with cats

i saw this today on MyLifeIsAverage and i literally laughed out loud.

"Today, I felt like my cat didn't appreciate me enough, so I made her watch Animal Cops with me. During the show, I stressed how some animals have it much worse and that she is very fortunate that she has a loving home. I think I really got through to her. MLIA."

i've had similar talks with all of my animal companions when they were being bratty. i've also told them i would return them to the shelter or rescue from which they each came if they didn't behave. then, because i'm also adopted, i feel really guilty, like i may have scarred them emotionally. i always apologise after. MLIA too.

watching obsessed again...

and i feel like i'm going to vomit. seriously vomit. my anxiety is so high right now that i'm tearing up, my throat is tight, dry & painful... i gave in briefly & let myself tweeze some hairs from my legs, and i felt somewhat better, but at the same time somewhat worse. the woman in tonight's episode is a skin picker like me, and has major food issues like me. watching her do her food exposure exercises made me gag. cry out. i had to get up and walk around.

i'm avoiding more and more the last week, and it's getting harder every day. the anticipatory anxiety is something that so plagues me too. deep breath.

seeing the complete change in 12 weeks on this show is super hopeful, but at the same time really depressing. i was diagnosed 2 years? ago... and things have been 2 steps forward and one back... or more... the whole time. i'm really sad that i haven't been able to change. i would really like to say i've accomplished great things. i'd really like to be a success story. i just don't feel like i've really done anything...

okay. i need to not slip. i need to remember i have accomplished things. i need to remember things i have changed. i am a successful person. i do great things.

1. i am able - and happy - to regularly eat eggs for the first time in a decade.
2. i have been able to start eating goat cheese & other products again.
3. i am able to regularly clean out my fridge with little anxiety about throwing out rotten food.
4. i have been going grocery shopping more regularly and buying food i enjoy eating.
5. i take my medications regularly, and my multivitamins too.
6. i have become more social again, spending time with neighbours and friends.
7. i get my compost & recycling out to the curb on time most weeks.
8. i throw out things on a near-daily basis, including papers i have kept for months, or even years.
9. i have returned one year of my six years of un-filed taxes.
10. i have downloaded and filled out the forms to get information or exchange correspondence with my birth family.
11. i have completed my Reiki Master/teacher class.
12. i choose to eat breakfast every morning, and drink less coffee.
13. i no longer smoke regularly, and can deal with the desire to smoke without severe anxiety.
14. i masturbate regularly again.

i'd wear this

see more Engrish

i'm feeling deeply, profoundly sad tonight. i have no real explanation - at least none on the surface. i've started watching the new A&E series "Obsessed" and it's given me a much-needed wake-up call. so tonight after giving blood, i wandered through the bookshops & finally library down town until i found some books specifically about ocd hoarding. i know i've made great strides in my recovery. i know that i am much healthier, and more in control of some aspects of my life than every before. yet when it comes to the hoarding aspect i have taken somewhat of a backslide. in the very least i hit a plateau of purging. while some days it seems that i have endless enthusiasm, and accomplish a great deal, there are still more days when i feel entirely overwhelmed. days when going out on date, or even just hooking up is horrifying because eventually they'll see my home.

i've been mostly enjoying my decision to be celibate for the last seven months, certainly it's been good for me in many ways. now that i'm feeling ready to start crawling out of my home & back into some sort of social venue i've discovered that i'm terrified to leave, and far more terrified to have anyone come here. it feels rather pointless to let someone into my life, my heart, when sooner or later i'd have to let them into my home.

there are certainly many reasons that my last few relationships have failed, but i can honestly say that my hoarding - or rather my fear of being discovered as a hoarder - contributed to the eventual break-ups. i'm still unpacking the feelings around the poly arrangement i was in last summer that i basically bailed from come september, and though it's easy to blame the antagonistic alcoholic in the group, or the spineless rock star, in the end what kept me from sticking with it was me. without question the ridiculous way i just wandered off into oblivion was all me.

certainly i was hurt & frustrated, but i think the last phone call the boy & i had involved a discussion of picking me up & taking me to london to see a mutual partner, and the thought of him coming here to pick me up absolutely horrified me. beyond words. even now when i think about him pulling into the parking lot i can barely contain the lump in my throat.

i find it hard to believe that anyone could ever love me like this. i know i'm fabulous out there, but when i get home i feel like such a fraud. all that wonderful energy, all my creativity, all my intelligence & beauty just gets swallowed up in this huge pile of stuff. of things i no longer want or need. so i'm getting help. i've got some great books to give me guidance, and i'm going to combine them with all my great skills & talents to bring my home in line with my heart.