i'm feeling deeply, profoundly sad tonight. i have no real explanation - at least none on the surface. i've started watching the new A&E series "Obsessed" and it's given me a much-needed wake-up call. so tonight after giving blood, i wandered through the bookshops & finally library down town until i found some books specifically about ocd hoarding. i know i've made great strides in my recovery. i know that i am much healthier, and more in control of some aspects of my life than every before. yet when it comes to the hoarding aspect i have taken somewhat of a backslide. in the very least i hit a plateau of purging. while some days it seems that i have endless enthusiasm, and accomplish a great deal, there are still more days when i feel entirely overwhelmed. days when going out on date, or even just hooking up is horrifying because eventually they'll see my home.

i've been mostly enjoying my decision to be celibate for the last seven months, certainly it's been good for me in many ways. now that i'm feeling ready to start crawling out of my home & back into some sort of social venue i've discovered that i'm terrified to leave, and far more terrified to have anyone come here. it feels rather pointless to let someone into my life, my heart, when sooner or later i'd have to let them into my home.

there are certainly many reasons that my last few relationships have failed, but i can honestly say that my hoarding - or rather my fear of being discovered as a hoarder - contributed to the eventual break-ups. i'm still unpacking the feelings around the poly arrangement i was in last summer that i basically bailed from come september, and though it's easy to blame the antagonistic alcoholic in the group, or the spineless rock star, in the end what kept me from sticking with it was me. without question the ridiculous way i just wandered off into oblivion was all me.

certainly i was hurt & frustrated, but i think the last phone call the boy & i had involved a discussion of picking me up & taking me to london to see a mutual partner, and the thought of him coming here to pick me up absolutely horrified me. beyond words. even now when i think about him pulling into the parking lot i can barely contain the lump in my throat.

i find it hard to believe that anyone could ever love me like this. i know i'm fabulous out there, but when i get home i feel like such a fraud. all that wonderful energy, all my creativity, all my intelligence & beauty just gets swallowed up in this huge pile of stuff. of things i no longer want or need. so i'm getting help. i've got some great books to give me guidance, and i'm going to combine them with all my great skills & talents to bring my home in line with my heart.