watching obsessed again...

and i feel like i'm going to vomit. seriously vomit. my anxiety is so high right now that i'm tearing up, my throat is tight, dry & painful... i gave in briefly & let myself tweeze some hairs from my legs, and i felt somewhat better, but at the same time somewhat worse. the woman in tonight's episode is a skin picker like me, and has major food issues like me. watching her do her food exposure exercises made me gag. cry out. i had to get up and walk around.

i'm avoiding more and more the last week, and it's getting harder every day. the anticipatory anxiety is something that so plagues me too. deep breath.

seeing the complete change in 12 weeks on this show is super hopeful, but at the same time really depressing. i was diagnosed 2 years? ago... and things have been 2 steps forward and one back... or more... the whole time. i'm really sad that i haven't been able to change. i would really like to say i've accomplished great things. i'd really like to be a success story. i just don't feel like i've really done anything...

okay. i need to not slip. i need to remember i have accomplished things. i need to remember things i have changed. i am a successful person. i do great things.

1. i am able - and happy - to regularly eat eggs for the first time in a decade.
2. i have been able to start eating goat cheese & other products again.
3. i am able to regularly clean out my fridge with little anxiety about throwing out rotten food.
4. i have been going grocery shopping more regularly and buying food i enjoy eating.
5. i take my medications regularly, and my multivitamins too.
6. i have become more social again, spending time with neighbours and friends.
7. i get my compost & recycling out to the curb on time most weeks.
8. i throw out things on a near-daily basis, including papers i have kept for months, or even years.
9. i have returned one year of my six years of un-filed taxes.
10. i have downloaded and filled out the forms to get information or exchange correspondence with my birth family.
11. i have completed my Reiki Master/teacher class.
12. i choose to eat breakfast every morning, and drink less coffee.
13. i no longer smoke regularly, and can deal with the desire to smoke without severe anxiety.
14. i masturbate regularly again.