water is a cleansing gift

i am filled today with such deep, deep sorrow. i am an empath - one who can feel the emotions & physical experiences of others - and i'm having one of those days wherein i can no longer discern what is mine, and what belongs to those around me...

a number of my loved ones are dealing with the resurfacing of deep wounds, of dark & painful memories, and even worse, with the realisations of how deeply their lives are still affected by the horrors they have survived. it's reminded me of how much healing there remains to be done in myself, in my own life. it's also reminded me that lots of us walk around looking so together on the outside, and yet operating from a place of disbelief that we even deserve to be happy, that we deserve any love, that we deserve anything good. it's also reminded me that sharing my vulnerabilities can help someone else feel less alone.

at the same time i'm feeling so much gratitude. a Haitian friend has been found safe in Canada. people are still being pulled alive from the rubble. the world community community is waking up to the realities of unfair debts that place nations such as Haiti in a state of perpetual poverty. Canadians are rallying across this country demanding our government behave democratically, and to hold accountable those responsible for abuses in Afghanistan. i truly believe that the world is becoming a better place.

and yet... in this country, people with mental illnesses are still often treated as less than human. rates of recovery for mental illness have worsened over the last 50 years, in spite of - of perhaps even because of - the variety psychiatric medications that are widely available. rather than helping people live clean & sober lives, the disease model of addictions has led many addicts to battle endlessly with substance use (and other self-destructive behaviours), believing themselves victims & invalids, incapable of actually changing their lives.

yesterday i received news that a friend had passed some months ago, his death the result of a drug overdose. he was Mohawk & white. he was raised in a family that had survived, but never really healed from, the horrors of the residential school system. his mother's own struggles with addiction led to her early death. an AA membership & "treatment" for bipolar disorder did nothing to furnish him with the tools needed move past his traumas. he hit his partner, and within his shame & anguish of finding himself continuing the same cycle of abuse that had brought him to that place, he chose the only way out he could see.

so tonight i find myself crying many hot, salty tears. i'm crying for the children (and the adults they've become) who have endured things no being ever should. i'm crying for parents who were themselves once these same children, and who never had someone help them learn differently. i am crying for children who have lost their parents entirely, and parents who have found their children dead amongst the rubble that once was Haiti. i am crying for friends who made it out safely, yet who's family have not.

and i'm crying for myself tonight too. i'm crying for the things i have overcome, and i'm crying for all of the things i have not yet healed. i'm crying for the deep deep blessings of being a healer, and having so many other lightworkers in my life. and i'm crying in the hopes that one day there will be enough healing for all of us to grow past our traumas, and into the light.