blessed autumnal equinox

as the wheel turns i start my preparations for the coming darkness by renewing my relapse prevention plan. every year the shorter days and gloomy skies threaten to pull me back into a seasonal depression, so every year i find it necessary to come up with a game plan that will help me stave off any gloomy moods and make it through the winter in one piece.

i started this morning by setting up my SAD light and checking the bulbs: everything operational. i also started back on my multi-vitamins, a habit i had let lapse recently. i’ve taken a month off of doing my self care charts (they track my eating habits, exercise, etc) because i was starting to get obsessive about it all, and that’s the exact opposite effect i want the practice to have on my life. i’ll be continuing the light therapy and multivitamins this week, then moving on to some more goals for each week until all are implemented. here’s this year’s plan:

* begin my day with 15-25 minutes of light therapy
* resume daily multi-vitamins with iron
* up intake of vitamin D supplement to 5 times per week (from current 3)
* resume daily self-care charts to keep self on track and identify weaknesses
* limit to 2 times per week nights awake after midnight
* resume Ativan use once per week to keep sleep schedule on track
* stock cupboards with packaged foods that require little or no preparation for days i am unable to cook & unmotivated to eat
* on days i am motivated to cook things such as soups & stews, make large batches & freeze portions for rough patches
* continue to set weekly social goals to keep me connected with loved ones – not just online, but in person & on phone too!
* keep bed reasonably clear of other stuff; change sheets & make bed regularly

i can see right now the sleep being the biggest challenge, at least in the near future. although i’ve been joking that i don’t foresee the novelty ever wearing off between my Muse and i, i am aware that at some point it will become possible for us to be in the same room without having to make a concerted effort to not ravish each other. when we get to that point we may actually get some decent sleep when we’re together. right now, however, once we get going sex rarely is less than a three hour adventure. wonderful, yes, sustainable, no. with my schedule i can afford to nap, but i dearly love this man & don’t really want to run him into the ground… at least not in the sense of utterly wearing him out… entirely…

so anyways, where was i? oh yeah. going to bed at a fairly regular time & keeping my bed a restful place to ensure some quality to my sleep is a big priority. though i can mostly manage this end, at his place i find it very easy to get carried away & forget my self-care on the physical level. on the plus side, my mental/emotional self-care is solid when i’m with him. he has a way of grounding me… even when he’s telling me i’m being ridiculous in some way, or letting my OCD take over, he’s utterly respectful, loving… plus finally i’ve managed to find someone who not only calls me on my shit, but who also deals with his own shit. i love it. he lets me know when i’m crossing a line into taking responsibility for something that’s his, and is careful to not try & direct my own processes which allows me to do the same. it’s challenging. it’s letting me see my own shortcomings. it’s motivating me to confront some crap that i had let go for whatever reason… and the sex is really, really good :)

i am a confident, successful Reiki Master

tomorrow i have a day-long seminar about launching into business. it's been almost three months (to the day) since i became a Reiki Master/Teacher, and about eight years that i've been practicing as a Reiki healer informally. i keep saying to myself - and everyone else - that i'm confident about the healing end of things, just the business end of things scares the living piss out of me. as the reality of launching a business myself - launching a business that is myself really - i've become increasingly doubtful that i can actually make a living just being who i am.

twice now in the last week people who love me very much have reminded me that being who i am is exactly what will make me successful. trying to pretend to be all professional & straight laced like other healers i admire is not going to help people feel comfortable & trusting around me - at least not the people who really need me. after all, being exactly who i am over the last near decade has brought me plenty of beings who need healing, many people who have asked me to teach. exactly as i already am. tonight my Muse spoke of having a niche community, such as a massage therapist he knows who is part of the BDSM community & therefore draws many of her clients from within that community. by just being openly kinky she makes it possible for someone who might otherwise hide his or her bruises, lash marks, wax burns & piercings from a massage therapist. worst case scenario, those people might not get the healing they deserve if there are no healers they feel they can trust.

i've certainly had this experience myself many times. i had a therapist who knew nothing about the issues adoptees carry with them cry because she was unable to have children & my apparently thanklessness about being adopted by this nice family shook all her beliefs about who is deserving of children. or maybe i just triggered her grief. either way i was a child, and figured out quickly that noone at Children's Mental Health was going to be able to do much for me. i've dealt with endless counsellors, physicians, therapists, social workers, whatever, who don't have a clue what to do with someone who's polyamorous, queer, promiscuous, and frequently gets a craving to be beaten across the back with some kind of leather implement. i'm sick of explaining that i'm not afraid of commitment or monogamy, i just prefer something else. i'm sick of having someone sit wide-eyed while i talk about issues my partner and i are having negotiating household chores when another lover is spending the night. the last thing a person needs when baring their soul and looking for support is the sense that they are being judged and utterly misunderstood.

so thinking about that whole closet full of t-shirts i got from being there & doing that, i decided to create a list of who might fall into my niche:

• fellow suicide survivors & loved ones of those who had survived or died of suicide
• individuals & families dealing with adoption/fertility/family creation issues
• sexual assault & abuse survivors (especially men, as i've had a number of close male friends & lovers i've supported in the recovery process)
• mental health system consumers/survivors
• folks battling or recovering from substance abuse & eating disorders
• folks battling or recovering from other self-medicating behaviours such as cutting, hair pulling, excessive exercise
• polyamorous peeps; families who have multiple co-parents
• dykes, queers, trannies, lesbians, fags, pansexuals, homos, genderqueers, two-spirit, intersex folks, and even straight people :P
• kinky folks, those in the lifestyle, the BDSM community
• sex workers
• pagans, heathens & mystics
• folks dealing with pain-management issues due to injury, rheumatoid disease, arthritis, etc

there's perhaps more... i feel like i've probably missed some. no matter for now. i just needed to remind myself that when my higher self, my ancestors, guides & the deities got together to decide what path i'd follow this lifetime, they intended for me to be exactly the person i am, in order to do exactly the job i've been given. the rest will follow.

had a rather bad melt-down this evening.

earlier i was chatting with a friend about different kinds of birth control, which inevitably led to a conversation with my current partner... i'm not sure exactly how the conversation unfolded to be honest, but at some point i found myself telling him in great detail about the horrible experience i had at a walk-in clinic when i was miscarrying eight years ago. what began as a rant about the inaccessibility of reproductive choices for women - often controlled by medical professionals and men - became me dumping a whole pile of emotions about this awful conversation i had with a male doctor...

i dunno. i just started talking about the inappropriateness of his bringing up why i wasn't on the pill when i admitted i hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and i found myself saying that i was so angry & hurt that he would assume that just because a pregnancy was unplanned it was also unwanted. i think that's when i really went off the rails. at that point my Muse (current partner) had already interjected once saying that man-bashing was one of his mom's favourite forms of emotional battery & that it is always triggering for him, and there i went barreling into this rant about my anger & hurt & grief & ended up sobbing. there was a moment of silence & he once again expressed how hurt & attacked he was feeling... at that point i was crying too hard to even get out clearly that i needed a moment to gather myself together before i could speak... we hung up, and later i sent him a text message, but i still feel like i can't call him back. i feel really bad about hurting him. i know i hurt him. i never want to be someone who causes him suffering - i don't want anyone else to cause him suffering either for that matter. i just totally fell apart.

aside from the perhaps irreparable damage i've done to his heart, there's the whole matter of just what got me spiraling out of control in the first place. it's been 8 years, and one week tomorrow from the day i began miscarrying. the relationship that led to the pregnancy is six years over. i think about the child i lost almost every day. i have books on shelves throughout my home that we bought to read to him. i have clothing we bought to wrap his tiny body in. i can say that logically i'm glad i lost the pregnancy because i wouldn't want to still be involved with that particular ex, and having a kid together is a terrible reason to be a couple, but i'm not glad i lost the child. i still feel tremendous guilt that my body failed him. i'm filled with fear more about going through a miscarriage again than i am about actually giving birth.

i think that's the biggest realisation tonight has brought up. i never really lost the desire to be a parent. i never really wanted to go through life childless. i just have been so filled with fear about the parenting process, and about the ability (or lack thereof) to physically carry a pregnancy that i've convinced myself that adoption is a better option anyways. now here i am with someone whom i can seriously see myself parenting, and even beyond that, i find myself wanting his babies. and i'm absolutely terrified. i don't want to get pregnant again & lose it all. i don't want to try and try and try and fail. i don't want to become pregnant before we're ready & bring a child into this world without intention & joy.

i think that where a lot of my anger towards men who try & control women's reproduction comes from is a realisation that most men have absolutely zero concept of the pressure there is being the childbearers. sure, they have to worry about the act of conception. but there's so much pressure on us to do everything perfectly - to eat right, get the right supplements, avoid the wrong things, choose the right health care, gain enough weight, etc., and anything that goes wrong with the pregnancy or fetal development falls back on our shoulders. i don't want to be blamed for some disability or struggle that the child would go through for the entire rest of his or her life because of some small decision i made.

part of me thinks that i need to do something to work through this. part of me just thinks i should get my tubes tied so i can stop worrying.