had a rather bad melt-down this evening.

earlier i was chatting with a friend about different kinds of birth control, which inevitably led to a conversation with my current partner... i'm not sure exactly how the conversation unfolded to be honest, but at some point i found myself telling him in great detail about the horrible experience i had at a walk-in clinic when i was miscarrying eight years ago. what began as a rant about the inaccessibility of reproductive choices for women - often controlled by medical professionals and men - became me dumping a whole pile of emotions about this awful conversation i had with a male doctor...

i dunno. i just started talking about the inappropriateness of his bringing up why i wasn't on the pill when i admitted i hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and i found myself saying that i was so angry & hurt that he would assume that just because a pregnancy was unplanned it was also unwanted. i think that's when i really went off the rails. at that point my Muse (current partner) had already interjected once saying that man-bashing was one of his mom's favourite forms of emotional battery & that it is always triggering for him, and there i went barreling into this rant about my anger & hurt & grief & ended up sobbing. there was a moment of silence & he once again expressed how hurt & attacked he was feeling... at that point i was crying too hard to even get out clearly that i needed a moment to gather myself together before i could speak... we hung up, and later i sent him a text message, but i still feel like i can't call him back. i feel really bad about hurting him. i know i hurt him. i never want to be someone who causes him suffering - i don't want anyone else to cause him suffering either for that matter. i just totally fell apart.

aside from the perhaps irreparable damage i've done to his heart, there's the whole matter of just what got me spiraling out of control in the first place. it's been 8 years, and one week tomorrow from the day i began miscarrying. the relationship that led to the pregnancy is six years over. i think about the child i lost almost every day. i have books on shelves throughout my home that we bought to read to him. i have clothing we bought to wrap his tiny body in. i can say that logically i'm glad i lost the pregnancy because i wouldn't want to still be involved with that particular ex, and having a kid together is a terrible reason to be a couple, but i'm not glad i lost the child. i still feel tremendous guilt that my body failed him. i'm filled with fear more about going through a miscarriage again than i am about actually giving birth.

i think that's the biggest realisation tonight has brought up. i never really lost the desire to be a parent. i never really wanted to go through life childless. i just have been so filled with fear about the parenting process, and about the ability (or lack thereof) to physically carry a pregnancy that i've convinced myself that adoption is a better option anyways. now here i am with someone whom i can seriously see myself parenting, and even beyond that, i find myself wanting his babies. and i'm absolutely terrified. i don't want to get pregnant again & lose it all. i don't want to try and try and try and fail. i don't want to become pregnant before we're ready & bring a child into this world without intention & joy.

i think that where a lot of my anger towards men who try & control women's reproduction comes from is a realisation that most men have absolutely zero concept of the pressure there is being the childbearers. sure, they have to worry about the act of conception. but there's so much pressure on us to do everything perfectly - to eat right, get the right supplements, avoid the wrong things, choose the right health care, gain enough weight, etc., and anything that goes wrong with the pregnancy or fetal development falls back on our shoulders. i don't want to be blamed for some disability or struggle that the child would go through for the entire rest of his or her life because of some small decision i made.

part of me thinks that i need to do something to work through this. part of me just thinks i should get my tubes tied so i can stop worrying.