i think i'm broken

i've been feeling today that i'm beyond damaged, that i'm in fact broken. beyond repair. completely worn out.

i want to act like it's all okay, like i was just overtired, that it's the stress of it being christmas eve again.

even after trying to explain my feelings, and to explain to Pooh-Bear via my writing what i felt my voice was not conveying, i feel like... that the air is still not clear i guess.

he says the same things i've been hearing over & over & over again from family members, roomates, partners, friends: "i don't know why you can't just ___ when it's so easy," and "i told you it's a problem for me, i don't understand why you just can't fix it," and "it's pretty simple what i want, and it would take like 20 minutes. you should just do it."

he said after reading my blog (this blog) he knew exactly how i felt, and that there was nothing there (here) i hadn't already spoken to him about, and that he had felt the exact same way, and he knew how to fix it.

i understand people wanting to help. it's tempting to see someone in need, feel you have something to offer, and just jump in to fix the problem, but that kind of attitude not only doesn't fix anything, it doesn't afford the recipient any dignity. a number of years ago a speaker at my university spoke about the importance of language, and about treating others with respect, and he told an anecdote about his nephew, and the nephew's classmate who uses a wheelchair. one day said speaker dropped off his nephew at school, and ahead of them the classmate emerged from wheel-transit, and proceeded to get stuck in the heavy slush that covered the side of the road, the sidewalk, and the pathway to the front door of the school. the speaker watched as his nephew approached the young girl, spoke to her, then went on his way without rescuing her from the slush. angrily he jumped out of his car, and began to berate the nephew for leaving his classmate to struggle alone. he was struck silent when his nephew replied, "i said good morning and asked if she needed a hand. she said 'no thanks.' i wouldn't just grab her wheelchair and start pushing her around when she's perfectly capable of doing things herself."

i feel like someone's grabbed my wheelchair every time they start telling me how to fix my life, arrange my apartment, or recover from depression. i get so angry, and sometimes i end up telling them off, and the usual response i get is that if i didn't want help i shouldn't whine about it. for fucks sake, telling someone i'm having a bad day isn't inviting them to launch into an intervention.

just once i'd like someone to actually ask me what i'm working on, how i'm doing it, and take a genuine interest in the process - instead of offering specific help i don't even want.