another crappy day

it's hard to believe a person can sleep as much as i have in the last 36 hours. 48 even. i'm not even sure... my joints are so unbelievably painful, and i just can't seem to get up once awake. i'm second guessing my decision to go north. i don't want to avoid moving ahead, but i also feel like being in this apartment is just draining me away to nothingness. i can't seem to find any reason to leave, as important as any reason seems. tomorrow should finally bring about an errand, as today i ran out of pain medication for the degu & rabbit. i wouldn't wish this kind of physical pain on my worst enemy, let alone the ones i love, so tomorrow i'll have to venture out to the clinic for a refill, maybe i'll have the strength to get a few more things done while out, and feel a little better. right now i can barely type because the fingers on my left hand aren't working. ugh.

i made it.

one more day. i'm physically struggling to eat, but i haven't made myself vomit. i haven't showered, but then i haven't cut myself either. okay, i did cut myself, but it was with scissors, and was a total accident. lolz. i made it out to my circle gathering today, and celebrated a friend's birthday there. she's been really down lately, and not really talking about it, so it was super nice to see the big smile on her face, and her genuine surprise that we'd throw her a party. she got a giggle out of one my prezzies, and a full laugh about the cats' addition to her card - a chewed up edge and some butt-shaped creases :)

i didn't talk with my mom yet, and i'm trying to decide how much to tell her. she knows from our last few conversations that i'm really feeling overwhelmed, and that the health issues i've been dealing with are feeding my depression, and that the break down of my relationship with PoohBear has only intensified things. the return of another round of abnormal blood tests has only intensified my feelings of being at battle with my own body. i'll be waiting another few weeks to find out what the latest round indicate, but for the time being i know rheumatoid arthritis has been ruled out, thyroid disorder of some kind is confirmed, and lupus is a definite possibilty.

it's really hard to avoid self-harm right now. the urge to use pain as an escape, to get that rush of endorphins is hard to keep saying no to. i wish i had a partner who was willing to flog me & paddle me. i could sure use a round of BDSM play to get some of this out of my system. maybe i'll just lay here and imagine my back on fire, or being thumped by a wide, heavy belt. mmmm. feeling the thud of a strap, the rush of blood to the surface, the warmth filling my back, and hearing a top tell me how good and strong i am to take such a beating would really hit the spot right now - pun intended. withstanding - even enjoying pain - is the only thing i actually feel good at right now.

today is one of them

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i read his messages.

and i replied. i didn't appear he'd stop ranting in my box anyway. i finished deleting all of our mutual friends that i found on my list, but i'm not going to give explanations. it's him that's giving out the threats and ultimatoms about fucking with my life and my loved ones if i try to stay friends with anyone, so he can explain to them why i'm not allowed to talk with them anymore. i know he'll throw wild accusations around and paint me as the monster, but whatever. i wouldn't intentionally cause shit between him and his friends, but since my chief super power appears to be the abilty to leave an entire room of people disrespected, hurt & disgusted, it's probably better that i just stay away altogether.

i'm about done.

at one point in what now feels like the distant past - but was perhaps only a few weeks ago - i felt like my life was finally turning around. i felt like i was feeling strength in myself, hope in myself, that i don't think i've ever felt before. i had started to see myself as a person with value. as someone who has skills and gifts to share with the world around me. i thought i was making progress with my life in so many ways, and that i was becoming a better friend. that i was becoming a better person. i don't feel that way anymore.

i'm not nearly so naive as to believe that noone would care if i were gone, or that my death wouldn't hurt anyone. i know it would. i know my mother - though not at all surprised - would be devastated nevertheless. my dad would be angry. my brother, heartbroken. i have friends that would feel angry - at me, at themselves for not stopping me - and ones who would feel hurt and betrayed that i've pulled away from everyone and not let them help. besides, do i really want my last a conscious act to be just another disappointment to everyone around me?

i know that other times i've been this sad things have eventually gotten better. i know things seem utterly hopeless now, but that eventually they will probably seem bearable. i just wish that there were some point in my life when i felt sucessful, so i felt like i had a memory to wrok back towards. i've just never been comepletely convinced that i was a worthwhile person deserving of hapiness who ever did anything to benefit others, so i don't even know what i'm working towards.

okay. so here's the concrete plan i'm going to lay down to get me through this:
1. tomorrow morning i will call my mom & fill her in on where i'm at. i will make arrangements for her to come and pick me up and take me back up north with her for a week or two.
2. i will try to arrange for my rabbits to stay with a friend who can administer the necessary pain meds and subcutaneous medications to keep the sick one comfortable until i am ready to let her go.
3. i will negotiate with my mom to bring my remaining degu with me to their house, so i can monitor his health and decide when to have him euthanised.
4. i will arrange for someone to come feed my cats here at the house, or failing that, arrange to have them kennelled for the duration of my time away. i will call a close friend (& former roomate) and confirm he will take them on as fosters should i be unable to care for them indefinitely.
5. i will notify my support worker, physician, psychiatrist, and counsellor that i will be retreating to the north for a time, and give them contact information to keep in touch.
6. i will make a list of items to take with me for the duration of the stay, including therapy workbooks & journals, to try and pull myself out of this.
7. i will make cartain i have appointments with my support team in place for when i return.

in the meantime i also have some housekeeping from my failed relationship with PoohBear to deal with. i will pack up all of his items i can find, and ship them to his apartment. i will also message all of his friends on myspace who i have become friends with, and explain that i will be removing myself from his life - and therefore his clan - as requested. i will then delete them all from my friends list. i will make certain to pack the gifts i had for a few friends with PoohBear's things so that he can distribute them without me having further contact with any of them.

what a shitty list. whatever. the hardcore sedatives & painmeds i took a while ago are starting to kick in, so at least i've stopped violently shaking & sobbing. i hope i can actually sleep for a bit. i can hear my phone going off over and over - probably PoohBear having to get in one last word, one last attack, one last dig. i don't know if i'll even check it again. certainly i'm going to try and refrain from replying. i really just want him to leave me alone, and answering is only going to incite him to attack me again.

i'll do my best to post every day for the next little while, because i know i have at least 2-3 friends who read this regularly, and i don't want anyone worried i'm over here rotting away in my apartment... although if i did suicide, noone would have to come feed the cats for at least a few days :P

i like cats. this is why.

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sigh.

tomorrow i see my support worker, and thursday i finally see the endocrinologist. i don't even remember what i'm supposed to be talking with my worker about. i have only a few weeks left with her to finish my second recovery plan... we're working on a plan for peer support. i'm trying to come up with skills and goals that will help me increase self-esteem, widen my support base, and keep in touch with my friends. today's one of those days that it seems entirely insurmountable.

i'm just so tired. i just keep telling myself it's only a few days until i have some answers about my physical health. i just want any kind of relief. i just want a normal bowel movement. i just want a good night's sleep. i just want... to be me again. part of me is holding out hope that once my thyroid and whatever else is treated i'll feel less depressed. i've even entertained the thought that i may not feel depressed at all...

i know. that's hoping for too much. but maybe i'll be able to see clearly. maybe my tongue will fit in my mouth again. maybe the strange tastes will go away. maybe i'll have the energy to call friends. maybe i'll have the motivation & appetite to eat. maybe i'll get through a day without nausea or dizziness or blacking out. maybe i'll be able to swallow without pain.

i dunno. i'd really like to get back in touch with friends. i broke up with Pooh Bear last week because i just feel so empty. i just don't have anything left. i know i shouldn't be cutting myself off any further... i just... i don't have the energy for anything anymore. i don't want to leave the house. i don't want to talk to anyone. none of it helps, and i don't want to be all mopey around people. i'm cranky and sore, and impatient and i don't even have enough left to give a shit.

i'm really not that funny afterall.

so last night Pooh Bear and i got into another argument about me talking too much. i really wanted to tell him about what goes through my mind when i’m being overly talkative, and the goofy centre of attention. i wanted to explain to him how it helps me feel safe, how i always feel i need to prove myself, how i’m afraid of silence, afraid of being judged… i wanted to tell him all of this and i was feeling really scared, so i said something off cuff, something obnoxious and similar to the kind of thing he would say, as a way to diffuse my own tension. yet another argument broke out about me not taking his feelings seriously. i don’t feel up to talking it through with him right now – he wouldn’t be awake anyhow – so i’ll do it here. because being vulnerable in front of the faceless masses is easy, in front of someone i love, scary. i laugh as i write this, and it just further demonstrates: i use humour as a way to protect myself from feeling vulnerable – not just in the context of our conversation last night, but also in general.

my adoptive family on my father’s side are caustic people. being in the middle of them is, quite honestly, horrific. i suppose over the years some of them have become easier to deal with, and in small groups some are almost pleasant at times. the thing is, they turn on each other, and on me, without any notice. they are worse than a pack of unstable feral dogs. at any moment they are all ready to rip any member of the family to shreds, and leave them bloodied and alone – and they almost seem to delight in doing it. the worst part is, once a member has been attacked and ostracised, there’s no telling how long everything they do will be wrong, and for how long they will be attacked over and over. there is always someone in the room or house under attack in the immediate, but also there is always at least one family member who has been ousted, or a small number who are at perpetual war, and these battles often continue for years. instead of talking about who’s doing what with career, or hobbies, or just enjoying family company, gatherings often centre on sorting out who isn’t talking to whom right now, and figuring out who to blame. i spent a lot of time being that person.

i was taught from an early age that men’s opinions and activities are infinitely more important than women’s, disagreeing with the dysfunctional pack means ostracisation, and that showing emotional vulnerability is a sure fire way to make yourself the target. my mother’s family is wonderful in comparison, and as close to being a functional family as seems possible. from their example i knew that devaluing the one’s you supposedly love felt awful, and that there was a better way to interact. for years i rebelled against my dad’s family, and found myself constantly exhausted and attacked. mom understood what i was going through, being a perpetual outsider herself, and from her i learned that the only way to survive was to show no vulnerability around them, and avoid them wherever possible. when they’re around, grin and bear it, hold it in, and struggle through the visit, because they are incapable and unwilling to change.

and so i’m funny. when i’m funny i don’t have to talk about anything important. i constantly fear that i’m being judged, being watched for any sign of weakness. if i can make fun of myself first, it hurts less. if i can be the centre of conversation but use humour to direct it away from anything important than i’m keeping fights from breaking out. what Pooh Bear interpreted last night as me making light of his discomfort was in fact me trying to lessen my own. clearly i need a new tactic.