sigh.

tomorrow i see my support worker, and thursday i finally see the endocrinologist. i don't even remember what i'm supposed to be talking with my worker about. i have only a few weeks left with her to finish my second recovery plan... we're working on a plan for peer support. i'm trying to come up with skills and goals that will help me increase self-esteem, widen my support base, and keep in touch with my friends. today's one of those days that it seems entirely insurmountable.

i'm just so tired. i just keep telling myself it's only a few days until i have some answers about my physical health. i just want any kind of relief. i just want a normal bowel movement. i just want a good night's sleep. i just want... to be me again. part of me is holding out hope that once my thyroid and whatever else is treated i'll feel less depressed. i've even entertained the thought that i may not feel depressed at all...

i know. that's hoping for too much. but maybe i'll be able to see clearly. maybe my tongue will fit in my mouth again. maybe the strange tastes will go away. maybe i'll have the energy to call friends. maybe i'll have the motivation & appetite to eat. maybe i'll get through a day without nausea or dizziness or blacking out. maybe i'll be able to swallow without pain.

i dunno. i'd really like to get back in touch with friends. i broke up with Pooh Bear last week because i just feel so empty. i just don't have anything left. i know i shouldn't be cutting myself off any further... i just... i don't have the energy for anything anymore. i don't want to leave the house. i don't want to talk to anyone. none of it helps, and i don't want to be all mopey around people. i'm cranky and sore, and impatient and i don't even have enough left to give a shit.