i'm about done.

at one point in what now feels like the distant past - but was perhaps only a few weeks ago - i felt like my life was finally turning around. i felt like i was feeling strength in myself, hope in myself, that i don't think i've ever felt before. i had started to see myself as a person with value. as someone who has skills and gifts to share with the world around me. i thought i was making progress with my life in so many ways, and that i was becoming a better friend. that i was becoming a better person. i don't feel that way anymore.

i'm not nearly so naive as to believe that noone would care if i were gone, or that my death wouldn't hurt anyone. i know it would. i know my mother - though not at all surprised - would be devastated nevertheless. my dad would be angry. my brother, heartbroken. i have friends that would feel angry - at me, at themselves for not stopping me - and ones who would feel hurt and betrayed that i've pulled away from everyone and not let them help. besides, do i really want my last a conscious act to be just another disappointment to everyone around me?

i know that other times i've been this sad things have eventually gotten better. i know things seem utterly hopeless now, but that eventually they will probably seem bearable. i just wish that there were some point in my life when i felt sucessful, so i felt like i had a memory to wrok back towards. i've just never been comepletely convinced that i was a worthwhile person deserving of hapiness who ever did anything to benefit others, so i don't even know what i'm working towards.

okay. so here's the concrete plan i'm going to lay down to get me through this:
1. tomorrow morning i will call my mom & fill her in on where i'm at. i will make arrangements for her to come and pick me up and take me back up north with her for a week or two.
2. i will try to arrange for my rabbits to stay with a friend who can administer the necessary pain meds and subcutaneous medications to keep the sick one comfortable until i am ready to let her go.
3. i will negotiate with my mom to bring my remaining degu with me to their house, so i can monitor his health and decide when to have him euthanised.
4. i will arrange for someone to come feed my cats here at the house, or failing that, arrange to have them kennelled for the duration of my time away. i will call a close friend (& former roomate) and confirm he will take them on as fosters should i be unable to care for them indefinitely.
5. i will notify my support worker, physician, psychiatrist, and counsellor that i will be retreating to the north for a time, and give them contact information to keep in touch.
6. i will make a list of items to take with me for the duration of the stay, including therapy workbooks & journals, to try and pull myself out of this.
7. i will make cartain i have appointments with my support team in place for when i return.

in the meantime i also have some housekeeping from my failed relationship with PoohBear to deal with. i will pack up all of his items i can find, and ship them to his apartment. i will also message all of his friends on myspace who i have become friends with, and explain that i will be removing myself from his life - and therefore his clan - as requested. i will then delete them all from my friends list. i will make certain to pack the gifts i had for a few friends with PoohBear's things so that he can distribute them without me having further contact with any of them.

what a shitty list. whatever. the hardcore sedatives & painmeds i took a while ago are starting to kick in, so at least i've stopped violently shaking & sobbing. i hope i can actually sleep for a bit. i can hear my phone going off over and over - probably PoohBear having to get in one last word, one last attack, one last dig. i don't know if i'll even check it again. certainly i'm going to try and refrain from replying. i really just want him to leave me alone, and answering is only going to incite him to attack me again.

i'll do my best to post every day for the next little while, because i know i have at least 2-3 friends who read this regularly, and i don't want anyone worried i'm over here rotting away in my apartment... although if i did suicide, noone would have to come feed the cats for at least a few days :P