the promise of more beauty to come <3

from notebook: november 8/09

There's this kind of beautiful promise in a brand-new notebook - pages perfectly clean & untouched, edges crisp, the sound and sensations of turning a page for the very first time it's ever been turned.

I'm hoping this week - maybe even today - i will finish off my last notebook & be able to recycle it all. It's a work book really. It contains notes from my OCD hoarding texts, draughts of poems, a dozen or so fragments of journal entries that were intended to become blog posts, plus to-do lists, gratitude lists, accomplishment logs, shopping lists, etc. The poems i intend to type into my laptop, & email the files to myself (just in case), and likewise with the notes from a recent business course. The gratitude lists i'll probably re-read for a smile, then let go to recycling. . . some of it will make it into this brand-new notebook, i'm sure.

Things have been happening at what feels like break-neck speed lately. I'm incredibly grateful for having received my Reiki Master/Teacher training in June, most especially for the attunement themselves. We did a lot of healing work on ourselves and each other, and the attunements (like a Buddhist empowerment, or a Christian sacrament of baptism) cleared so much energy, so much resistance in my life. I feel like most days i can now just intend for something to be learned, or some past hurt to be let go, or what have you, and it just happens. It's new and powerful, and sometimes i forget about it. It's a good thing to remember, because i certainly don't want to focus my intent on negativity, but also because there's no good reason to make things any more difficult than they need to be.

The energetic and physical clearing happening in my home is very nearly breathtaking. I realise that probably seems like a funny thing to say. . . i imagine most people just think they'd like to have a clean, tidy house, and then just do it. Then again, perhaps more people find decluttering difficult than i believe is the case. Regardless, this process of overcoming my OCD-driven hoarding is an absolute joy. It's brutally hard work at times. It's emotionally exhausting, mentally challenging, and has pushed me to the absolute limits of what i believed i was capable of. The end result, thus far, is that i've had to accept that i'm capable of far more than i ever gave myself credit for. That's a little un-nerving i suppose, but overall, sheer bliss <3