i've decided the next particular piece i need to work on is gifts. like many people i have trouble accepting gifts, and help of any kind. i have trouble asking for what i need & want, and in particular i have trouble asking for what i need and want. unlike most people, however, i also have trouble giving.
it's not just giving in general that i struggle with, it's giving presents in particular. the struggle that's come up of recent was sparked by a discussion in my pagan circle about giving a particular circle member cash for her birthday, so that she could afford to go to particular festival. we've done this once before, and though i was gung-ho the first time, this time i've really struggled with what to do about it. it's no secret that i'm not working regularly right now, and that cash is stretched thin. this member is also unempolyed, living on disability, and while i'd like to help her reach her goals, i just don't think cash is the way to go. i like to give gifts that are useful, practical, and benefit the recipient in some way, but cash just seems a bit... tacky? hollow? i want to give a gift that is thoughtful and personal, and cash just seems really obvious... and i dunno. i don't like money exchange between friends.
in general i struggle with gift-giving when it comes to specific dates. things like birthdays and holidays feel like deadlines, and i always want to give something meaningful. i struggle with anxiety around wanting to give enough to convey how much i care about someone, without giving so much as to make it uncomfortable. i tend to pick up things as i see them, and as i think of someone, and as a result i have about 4-5 gifts sitting in my house waiting to reach their recipients at any one time. i also have numerous unfinished presents at any one time, made worse when the date passes, and i then feel like i need to have the exact perfect gift, now that the deadline has passed. i also have trouble finishing projects, so i usually have a bunch of unfinished presents in varying stages waiting to be finished and then given away.
anyways, i've decided it's time to look differently at gift giving. i need to resolve my need for perfection. i need to learn to give joyfully without guilt that it may not be "just right", or on time, or whatever other impositions i put on myself. i'm going to start tomorrow, with finishing wrapping a present that has been ready for weeks now, buying the gift i'd like to give rather than the cash that feels expected, and ordering a few things i had been meaning to get for folks. i also need to work out a system, or location in my house to keep all the gifts together so that they are ready to go when i want to give them :)
hurrah!
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