perpetewull moshun

i'm feeling really raw this morning. last night - yesterday really i suppose - was incredibly intense, and this morning i'm still processing it all. i know writing it all down is important. i know i need to document my progress in some way. and yet even describing it in text is triggering. i've been zoning in and out while typing, picking at my skin, pulling hairs, cleaning my nails: all the little compulsions that start whenever i'm feeling anxious. i realise part of it is probably also that i'm tired, that i had a glass of wine last night before talking into the wee hours of the morning, but i can't deny that i've been typing for almost half an hour, and there is only a literal dozen words in the next paragraph. this paragraph has grown as i document my struggles with typing, but i really want to just save what i've written and go back to bed. i'm going to type for 25 more minutes, and see if i can't get past this anxiety. if it's still feeling unbearable, i'll take a break and come back to it.

so i tried to finish writing, and then happily got bounced by a call from my pooh-bear. i decided instead of trying to finish getting down the whole story, i would just finish writing about the aftermath, and when i've gotten through that, i'll go back and eventually finish the deets. even now i'm finding it hard to focus - and to leave the tweezers in their case.

i sometimes find it incredible just how much more progress one can make on issues that seemed to be resolved. it's hopeful. the issue in this case is a sexual assault that took place more than 16 years ago, when i was just 13 years old. just a few days ago i signed into facebook only to have a "people you may know" recommendation that nearly made me vomit. there he was, with 5 mutual friends. the man who raped me. i looked at our mutual friends. i clicked on the link for his profile, only to find it set to private. i thought about blocking him. months ago when i first signed up for facebook i had searched for him, so that i could preemptively block him, but didn't find him. this time i didn't block him.

i decided to just leave him there, in my list of people i may know. why? because he has had far too much power over me for far too long. he has effected my sex life, my ability to trust men (male partners in particular), my body image, and so much more. not just the rape itself, but the abuse that lead up to it, and followed it, have placed so many triggers in me. for the most part i thought i had found them all, and some i've even disarmed. as i stepped into the shower after seeing his face for the first time in 8 years, i cried. and i resolved he will no longer control even part of my life.

it was just a few days later when during an intense conversation with my pooh-bear i would start to explain to him that yes, he had upset me. yes, i was beside myself. yes, i was sobbing uncontrollably, but that i realised 95% of my pain was due to wrongs committed in the past by others, and that my reaction was disproportionate to what had triggered it just now. amazingly i managed to keep going in the conversation, and as i pushed further and further back into my baggage, i realised where the whole issue began. and it began with that rape.

without question my pooh has been instrumental in helping me work through stuff. his clear statements that i matter to him, his assertion that i my happiness & and safety are important to him, and most especially that his actions back up his words have been paramount in some of the inroads i've made over the last few weeks. that being said, i must give myself credit. even a year ago that same conversation would have ended with me hanging up, and sobbing myself to sleep. at some point i would likely have blurted out something horrible - such as i'm so upset because you remind me of this guy that raped me - which would have been not only hurtful & untrue, but impossible to take back. the work i've done with exposure exercises has proven effective in reducing not only my anxiety with compulsions and obsessive thoughts, but also with confronting some deep traumas. i'm awesome :)