i made it.

one more day. i'm physically struggling to eat, but i haven't made myself vomit. i haven't showered, but then i haven't cut myself either. okay, i did cut myself, but it was with scissors, and was a total accident. lolz. i made it out to my circle gathering today, and celebrated a friend's birthday there. she's been really down lately, and not really talking about it, so it was super nice to see the big smile on her face, and her genuine surprise that we'd throw her a party. she got a giggle out of one my prezzies, and a full laugh about the cats' addition to her card - a chewed up edge and some butt-shaped creases :)

i didn't talk with my mom yet, and i'm trying to decide how much to tell her. she knows from our last few conversations that i'm really feeling overwhelmed, and that the health issues i've been dealing with are feeding my depression, and that the break down of my relationship with PoohBear has only intensified things. the return of another round of abnormal blood tests has only intensified my feelings of being at battle with my own body. i'll be waiting another few weeks to find out what the latest round indicate, but for the time being i know rheumatoid arthritis has been ruled out, thyroid disorder of some kind is confirmed, and lupus is a definite possibilty.

it's really hard to avoid self-harm right now. the urge to use pain as an escape, to get that rush of endorphins is hard to keep saying no to. i wish i had a partner who was willing to flog me & paddle me. i could sure use a round of BDSM play to get some of this out of my system. maybe i'll just lay here and imagine my back on fire, or being thumped by a wide, heavy belt. mmmm. feeling the thud of a strap, the rush of blood to the surface, the warmth filling my back, and hearing a top tell me how good and strong i am to take such a beating would really hit the spot right now - pun intended. withstanding - even enjoying pain - is the only thing i actually feel good at right now.