i'm a little giddy about this recovery process. sure there are days (like today) when i am less than productive, but overall i'm doing so much better. and really, i do need to take time off now and then.
i'm itching to work, feeling the need to get out and be in the workforce. all of my workers/doctors agree i should not be going back to work until i am really ready, and as much as i want to rebel, i've got to agree. my general practitioner in particular brought up that she doesn't want working outside the home interfering with the therapy i'm doing, and taking time away from the purging process. besides that, if i go against what they tell me, i'm shooting myself in the foot when it comes to applying for disability support. sigh.
i've made some serious headway around the house, lost 20 pounds, and am making some serious progress with the socialising. i've been able to get out a little more, and am even return phone calls more regularly. go me!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
huzzah 4 teh weeknd!
i had an absolutely fabulous weekend. it was a weekend of debauchery for certain, but what really made it so spectacular was just getting out of the house, with no pressure, no demands, and lots of friends. a few weeks ago there was the awesome party a friend and i hosted, but all the pressures of throwing the party really made it difficult to just enjoy the party itself, and the visist from my ex.
my psychologist and i had a long discussion last meeting about ways to prepare for social situations, and for me specifically, the dreaded "what have you been up to?" question. i always feel compelled to be honest, and one of the key reasons i struggle to leave my house is the shame i feel when revealing i am unemployed, and unable to work because of my disabilities. i also did not finish my long-lapsed arts degree, and given that i still live in this university town, i frequently get asked if i'm still/back in school. what really hit home with our discussion was our agreement that really, noone cares that much about the answer you give. those kind of questions are a way to open - similar to how are you - and nobody actually expects you to give a progress report. how liberating! so the answers i've come up with are things like "i'm trying to decide what i will be if i grow up," "i've been planning a trip to return to Haiti," and to the school question, "it's hard to convince myself it's worthwhile finishing an arts degree. i mean really, what can you do with an arts degree?"
it really worked out very, very well :) i went to my favourite goth bar, a place i once frequented waaaay too much, and ran into a lot of regulars. everyone seemed happy to see me, and noone blinked twice with any of my somewhat rehearsed responses to the dreaded questions. by the end of the night i was just feeling like myself again, totally relaxed and dancing, and remembering all the great reasons there are to go out regularly! saturday i spent most of the day in bed recovering from dehydration and (i must admit) a bit of a hangover, then got up and had delicious takeout my favourite little Chinese restaurant. a good friend arrived to pick me up around 9pm saturday, and we headed into the city to meet up with friends.
i love that we're now kinda regulars at the club we went to. i love that i'm now regularly hooking up (in both the social & sexual meaning) with a fabulous polyamorous, kinky, and gorgeous woman i met there a few months ago. i especially love that she and i have becomes friends as well, and that sometime in the next month or so i'll be meeting her girlfriend too :) it's really nice to have someone close by, yet at arm's length. i like having a regular partner, but having the distance keep it from becoming too hot and heavy too quickly. i need a break from serious dating, but knocking boots with great people makes me a much happier person.
the other highlight of my debauchery weekend was meeting up with a boyfriend from high school, whom i haven't seen in a decade or so. the sex was even better than i had hoped, which rocks of course, but what really touched my heart was a discussion about how we broke up. i accused him of breaking my heart, to which he countered that i, in fact, had broken up with him. that someone had started a rumour about his intentions, and i had just stopped speaking to him. and that he was really hurt. i can't tell you how good it feels to have had that conversation. i was devastated when we broke up, feeling like i had been had by someone whom i really cared about, and whom i had believed was a beautiful, gentle, soul. to find out he is the person i believed him to be, and that he genuinely cared for me too was wonderful. it also reaffirmed that avoiding confrontations and believing rumours can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. the whole experience has really strengthened my resolve to get things out in the open before they fester over. it's good exposure therapy ;)
my psychologist and i had a long discussion last meeting about ways to prepare for social situations, and for me specifically, the dreaded "what have you been up to?" question. i always feel compelled to be honest, and one of the key reasons i struggle to leave my house is the shame i feel when revealing i am unemployed, and unable to work because of my disabilities. i also did not finish my long-lapsed arts degree, and given that i still live in this university town, i frequently get asked if i'm still/back in school. what really hit home with our discussion was our agreement that really, noone cares that much about the answer you give. those kind of questions are a way to open - similar to how are you - and nobody actually expects you to give a progress report. how liberating! so the answers i've come up with are things like "i'm trying to decide what i will be if i grow up," "i've been planning a trip to return to Haiti," and to the school question, "it's hard to convince myself it's worthwhile finishing an arts degree. i mean really, what can you do with an arts degree?"
it really worked out very, very well :) i went to my favourite goth bar, a place i once frequented waaaay too much, and ran into a lot of regulars. everyone seemed happy to see me, and noone blinked twice with any of my somewhat rehearsed responses to the dreaded questions. by the end of the night i was just feeling like myself again, totally relaxed and dancing, and remembering all the great reasons there are to go out regularly! saturday i spent most of the day in bed recovering from dehydration and (i must admit) a bit of a hangover, then got up and had delicious takeout my favourite little Chinese restaurant. a good friend arrived to pick me up around 9pm saturday, and we headed into the city to meet up with friends.
i love that we're now kinda regulars at the club we went to. i love that i'm now regularly hooking up (in both the social & sexual meaning) with a fabulous polyamorous, kinky, and gorgeous woman i met there a few months ago. i especially love that she and i have becomes friends as well, and that sometime in the next month or so i'll be meeting her girlfriend too :) it's really nice to have someone close by, yet at arm's length. i like having a regular partner, but having the distance keep it from becoming too hot and heavy too quickly. i need a break from serious dating, but knocking boots with great people makes me a much happier person.
the other highlight of my debauchery weekend was meeting up with a boyfriend from high school, whom i haven't seen in a decade or so. the sex was even better than i had hoped, which rocks of course, but what really touched my heart was a discussion about how we broke up. i accused him of breaking my heart, to which he countered that i, in fact, had broken up with him. that someone had started a rumour about his intentions, and i had just stopped speaking to him. and that he was really hurt. i can't tell you how good it feels to have had that conversation. i was devastated when we broke up, feeling like i had been had by someone whom i really cared about, and whom i had believed was a beautiful, gentle, soul. to find out he is the person i believed him to be, and that he genuinely cared for me too was wonderful. it also reaffirmed that avoiding confrontations and believing rumours can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. the whole experience has really strengthened my resolve to get things out in the open before they fester over. it's good exposure therapy ;)
Friday, April 25, 2008
laktating wuz nawt part of plann...
my body never ceases to amaze me in its complexity, and in its ability to throw a wrench in my gears.
for months i've had frequent (even more frequent than normal) headaches, as well as sore, achy eyes...i've been more irritable than normal, had heavier, irregular periods, and my breasts are overflowing a D cup bra. i figured that my Effexor dose was a contributing factor, that stress was a factor, eating goat cheese was maybe even a factor. turns out it was something well out of my control, and something i really should have thought of earlier.
my prolactin levels are high. higher than normal anyways. for years i've had sub-clinical hypothyroidism. basically it means that i have thyroid levels which are low, but not to the point that it's required treatment. i've been monitored, and the levels rise and fall, rise and fall, but never become clinically significant to the degree that an endocrinologist wants to treat me in any way. so apparently one of the things that the thyroid impacts is the pituitary, by limiting the release of prolactin. if the pituitary doesn't get enough of whichever hormone from the thyroid, it continues to release more and more. eventually what can happen is a benign pituitary growth, which then further inhibits the signals to the gland, thus exacerbating the whole situation.
i need to go back for more tests of course, but at this point i'm kinda hoping it is a tumour. which sounds silly to say, but it will be an instant pick-me-up to just take the appropriate medication, shrink the growth, and feel happier and more peppy.
for months i've had frequent (even more frequent than normal) headaches, as well as sore, achy eyes...i've been more irritable than normal, had heavier, irregular periods, and my breasts are overflowing a D cup bra. i figured that my Effexor dose was a contributing factor, that stress was a factor, eating goat cheese was maybe even a factor. turns out it was something well out of my control, and something i really should have thought of earlier.
my prolactin levels are high. higher than normal anyways. for years i've had sub-clinical hypothyroidism. basically it means that i have thyroid levels which are low, but not to the point that it's required treatment. i've been monitored, and the levels rise and fall, rise and fall, but never become clinically significant to the degree that an endocrinologist wants to treat me in any way. so apparently one of the things that the thyroid impacts is the pituitary, by limiting the release of prolactin. if the pituitary doesn't get enough of whichever hormone from the thyroid, it continues to release more and more. eventually what can happen is a benign pituitary growth, which then further inhibits the signals to the gland, thus exacerbating the whole situation.
i need to go back for more tests of course, but at this point i'm kinda hoping it is a tumour. which sounds silly to say, but it will be an instant pick-me-up to just take the appropriate medication, shrink the growth, and feel happier and more peppy.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
eym grate aktewlie
i've got a problem with blogging. well with writing actually. if i start on something, and then stop, i really struggle to come back and pick up where i left off. this is not a recent phenomenon, but something that's been ongoing since as long as i can remember. it's one of the biggest roadblocks to finishing essays and such, because i feel the need to write the whole thing in on sitting. this worked well for shorter essays as a child, but as the assignments got longer, it became physically impossible to type that long without such things as food and sleep. even typing itself was a struggle, as i felt i couldn't type as fast as i think, and if i couldn't get it all down without pausing, i would surly miss something, and then i would need to start over again with a whole new train of thought. eventually this is something i want to work on, but for the time being, just typing as i think, and writing short pieces for the blog is enough.
this new-found ability to lower my standards and therefore allow myself to succeed has been wonderful. i've been plugging along with my exposure exercises, and making a big dent in my cache of stuff. it feels so good to be realistic about what i can accomplish, and what is realistic, and then to succeed! i've felt like a global failure off and on for so much of my life, the being able to say i'm successful at stuff is pretty awesome :) so today i'm just going to celebrate all the fabulous things i have accomplished since i started keeping track:
8 items posted or wanted ads replied to on my local freecycle group
9 shelves & drawers purged and reorganised
24 broken items fixed or thrown out
34 grocery bags of paper (old notes, junk mail, etc) recycled
7 craft projects finished completely!
8 home improvement projects completed
15 large bags of purged items thrown out or recycled
5 books & magazines given away or thrown out
10 items of clothing/shoes given away
6 cardboard boxes recycled
8 pet items thrown out or given away
16 old food items thrown out or given away
90 old emails deleted
6 loads of laundry put away entirely
4 surfaces (such as stovetop, counters) cleared off entirely
5 complete fridge purges!
19 rackloads of dishes
38 workouts or exercise classes
10 letters or cards written and sent
27 blog entries posted (i wrote a couple elsewhere)
5 complete cleanings of tub & shower
54 square feet of tile completely cleared and cleaned
5 borrowed items returned
1 gift put together & given
14 total purges of voice mailbox
19 bills paid in full/ debts settled
now that i've tackled some of the bigger areas of my hoarding (papers, correspondences, food) i'm working at doing a half hour of just straight sorting and purging each day, moving from room to room in my apartment. it's a bit easier now that there's a lot less stuff, but way more anxiety provoking, because there's just so much random stuff that i've accumulated over the years. it's getting easier to throw stuff out, but at the same time, i've done a lot of the easier stuff. there's a lot of tricky things now: craft stuff galore, bits of memorabilia, old paperwork... really though, as messy as it is as i look around right now, i know that most of the things are pretty superficially cluttered at the moment, as i decide where to put things and how to reorganise. overall there's a lot less stuff here, and i'm pretty damn proud of myself :) hurrah!
this new-found ability to lower my standards and therefore allow myself to succeed has been wonderful. i've been plugging along with my exposure exercises, and making a big dent in my cache of stuff. it feels so good to be realistic about what i can accomplish, and what is realistic, and then to succeed! i've felt like a global failure off and on for so much of my life, the being able to say i'm successful at stuff is pretty awesome :) so today i'm just going to celebrate all the fabulous things i have accomplished since i started keeping track:
8 items posted or wanted ads replied to on my local freecycle group
9 shelves & drawers purged and reorganised
24 broken items fixed or thrown out
34 grocery bags of paper (old notes, junk mail, etc) recycled
7 craft projects finished completely!
8 home improvement projects completed
15 large bags of purged items thrown out or recycled
5 books & magazines given away or thrown out
10 items of clothing/shoes given away
6 cardboard boxes recycled
8 pet items thrown out or given away
16 old food items thrown out or given away
90 old emails deleted
6 loads of laundry put away entirely
4 surfaces (such as stovetop, counters) cleared off entirely
5 complete fridge purges!
19 rackloads of dishes
38 workouts or exercise classes
10 letters or cards written and sent
27 blog entries posted (i wrote a couple elsewhere)
5 complete cleanings of tub & shower
54 square feet of tile completely cleared and cleaned
5 borrowed items returned
1 gift put together & given
14 total purges of voice mailbox
19 bills paid in full/ debts settled
now that i've tackled some of the bigger areas of my hoarding (papers, correspondences, food) i'm working at doing a half hour of just straight sorting and purging each day, moving from room to room in my apartment. it's a bit easier now that there's a lot less stuff, but way more anxiety provoking, because there's just so much random stuff that i've accumulated over the years. it's getting easier to throw stuff out, but at the same time, i've done a lot of the easier stuff. there's a lot of tricky things now: craft stuff galore, bits of memorabilia, old paperwork... really though, as messy as it is as i look around right now, i know that most of the things are pretty superficially cluttered at the moment, as i decide where to put things and how to reorganise. overall there's a lot less stuff here, and i'm pretty damn proud of myself :) hurrah!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
eek!
it's been a rather long time since i've posted anything much, and i keep thinking of all kinds of things to write. i even wrote part of a post a couple days ago (now edited & posted for the date i started it)...it's really essential that i keep at it, since the longer i go, the harder it is to get back at it. as i think i've previously mentioned, i'm using the blog as a kind of exposure therapy: when dealing with anxiety disorders, one of the best tactics.
so wtf is exposure therapy? basically it involves confronting the situation that causes the anxiety, and staying in it until the anxiety passes. usually when we are confronted with an anxious situation, the stress, the panic, increase to such a point that we freak out and bail. then our minds tell us, thank gods we got out alive! i was right to be anxious! the next time the same situation comes up, our mind remembers the anxiety and starts at an even higher point of anxiety, until we can't begin at all.
so i must keep writing. each time i do, and keep at it, the anxiety gets easier to bear. i just need to keep going until my body settles down. and it will settle down. all on its own. that's the thing about anxiety. it'll pass either way. if we avoid the stressor, we mistakenly believe that's why we feel better, but eventually we would anyways.
in order for a decent exposure exercise to work, i need to find a workable level of anxiety, and just start there. that's why i'm posting on a somewhat anonymous blog. that's why i don't send the address to friends. i realise people are reading - i've had dozens of profile views, and a few comments - but knowing i won't have to discuss what i've written, receive feedback or be judged on it, makes it safer. it would be ridiculous to go back to school at this point and try to confront such high levels of distress, but posting here i can manage for the time being.
i'm fortunate enough to have a psychologist who specialises in treating clients with OCD, and who is an expert at designing such exercises. i had been feeling so overwhelmed lately, feeling like if i didn't get under the OCD, find out what drives it, i would never be well. i have been so relieved to find out that it's nothing but faulty genes. according to my doctor, there are psychosomatic theories of OCD, but little evidence to back them up. there is nothing under it. nada. hurrah! how liberating to know i have what amounts to genetic disorder that affects how my brain processes information.
so wtf is exposure therapy? basically it involves confronting the situation that causes the anxiety, and staying in it until the anxiety passes. usually when we are confronted with an anxious situation, the stress, the panic, increase to such a point that we freak out and bail. then our minds tell us, thank gods we got out alive! i was right to be anxious! the next time the same situation comes up, our mind remembers the anxiety and starts at an even higher point of anxiety, until we can't begin at all.
so i must keep writing. each time i do, and keep at it, the anxiety gets easier to bear. i just need to keep going until my body settles down. and it will settle down. all on its own. that's the thing about anxiety. it'll pass either way. if we avoid the stressor, we mistakenly believe that's why we feel better, but eventually we would anyways.
in order for a decent exposure exercise to work, i need to find a workable level of anxiety, and just start there. that's why i'm posting on a somewhat anonymous blog. that's why i don't send the address to friends. i realise people are reading - i've had dozens of profile views, and a few comments - but knowing i won't have to discuss what i've written, receive feedback or be judged on it, makes it safer. it would be ridiculous to go back to school at this point and try to confront such high levels of distress, but posting here i can manage for the time being.
i'm fortunate enough to have a psychologist who specialises in treating clients with OCD, and who is an expert at designing such exercises. i had been feeling so overwhelmed lately, feeling like if i didn't get under the OCD, find out what drives it, i would never be well. i have been so relieved to find out that it's nothing but faulty genes. according to my doctor, there are psychosomatic theories of OCD, but little evidence to back them up. there is nothing under it. nada. hurrah! how liberating to know i have what amounts to genetic disorder that affects how my brain processes information.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
frusstrashun - ai haz it.
this whole dating thing is not going as well as i had hoped. i'm meeting lots of people for sure, and getting laid more often is certainly a big bonus, but i'm struggling with the thought of what i actually want in a relationship, what i want from a partner.
specifically, i'm frustrated by meeting people i really seem to click with, whom i'm really into physically, mentally, but whom i have fundamental disagreements with. i struggle about what is truly a deal-breaker, and what is my perfectionism. what is just me sabotaging myself being happy?
there are things i have always been pretty clear on. things like i will not date or casually sleep with someone who is openly racist, homophobic, classist, ableist, etc. i feel like underlying each person's domesticated veneer is a whole slew of internalised -isms, including me. i feel like as long as someone is aware of this, and works on their judgements, i'm cool with it - and right there with them incidentally. if i meet someone who says, "you're bi? that's cool," and assumes it means hot girl-on-girl action, and/or thinks two dudes together is disgusting, i'm out. same thing with lesbians who hate bisexual dykes, and anyone who bashes transpeople in any way.
so the two issues that have come up recently are the legal rights of queers, and abortion issues. one dude i had already hooked up with a couple times, turns out he believes queer marriage should not be legal. this i'm actually okay with, because i know he's christian, and may just feel we should stick with civil unions, and not church marriage. that's fine. but he also believes that queers having kids is wrong. not cool. at all. there's clearly no future here at all, as eventually i'd like to have a child, and i may well do it with another woman. the other is not so clear.
so what's come up is that this second boy checked off a question on the dating site we belong to saying that abortion is not an option for him in the case of unwanted pregnancy. in addition, he checked that his opinion of someone would change if he found out they had had an abortion. until this past fall, i've never had a partner with whom i've disagreed about abortion rights, so it's always been this vague, nebulous kinda thing to say i wouldn't date someone who was anti-choice*. i was okay for a long time dating other people who were unsure they could choose an abortion themselves, because i felt the same way, and felt in the case of an unplanned pregnancy we would discuss it then.
a few years ago, however, i started seeing a guy who asked very clearly if i was pro-choice in theory, or if i would consider an abortion myself. it was really one of the best conversations i've ever had with a man regarding abortion. he clearly stated that he was not prepared to be a parent at this time, had been unsuccessful getting a vasectomy (a whole other blog topic!), and that if i were to become pregnant, he would not father the child in any way, so he wanted to be clear before we slept together how we both felt. i think it's a conversation all couples should have. that way each person can make an informed choice prior to engaging in sexual activities.
so my dilemma with this new guy is that i wouldn't want us to get involved, have an unplanned pregnancy, and then have it be really traumatic for him if i chose an abortion. it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me either. the thing is, am i reading too much into his answers? his answer was that a potential partner's feelings on the topic are irrelevant. so i might think it was a mis-click, but for the second about his opinion changing. even if he feels my reasons for having an abortion were justified, why should i have to defend my decision to anyone? i know choosing an abortion was the right decision for everyone involved, including the foetus. should i even bother getting involved with him? risk the potential heartache that i feel is really inevitable? i kinda wish i hadn't looked at the details of our q&a, because then i could have gotten to know him a bit better before this came up. it feels way to early in our getting to know each other to be even thinking about such matters. sigh.
*i use this not to offend people who prefer to call themselves pro-life, but because it is more accurate to describe those who feel that others should not choose an abortion. people who wouldn't choose one themselves, but would respect an other's decision to procure an abortion are still pro-choice.
specifically, i'm frustrated by meeting people i really seem to click with, whom i'm really into physically, mentally, but whom i have fundamental disagreements with. i struggle about what is truly a deal-breaker, and what is my perfectionism. what is just me sabotaging myself being happy?
there are things i have always been pretty clear on. things like i will not date or casually sleep with someone who is openly racist, homophobic, classist, ableist, etc. i feel like underlying each person's domesticated veneer is a whole slew of internalised -isms, including me. i feel like as long as someone is aware of this, and works on their judgements, i'm cool with it - and right there with them incidentally. if i meet someone who says, "you're bi? that's cool," and assumes it means hot girl-on-girl action, and/or thinks two dudes together is disgusting, i'm out. same thing with lesbians who hate bisexual dykes, and anyone who bashes transpeople in any way.
so the two issues that have come up recently are the legal rights of queers, and abortion issues. one dude i had already hooked up with a couple times, turns out he believes queer marriage should not be legal. this i'm actually okay with, because i know he's christian, and may just feel we should stick with civil unions, and not church marriage. that's fine. but he also believes that queers having kids is wrong. not cool. at all. there's clearly no future here at all, as eventually i'd like to have a child, and i may well do it with another woman. the other is not so clear.
so what's come up is that this second boy checked off a question on the dating site we belong to saying that abortion is not an option for him in the case of unwanted pregnancy. in addition, he checked that his opinion of someone would change if he found out they had had an abortion. until this past fall, i've never had a partner with whom i've disagreed about abortion rights, so it's always been this vague, nebulous kinda thing to say i wouldn't date someone who was anti-choice*. i was okay for a long time dating other people who were unsure they could choose an abortion themselves, because i felt the same way, and felt in the case of an unplanned pregnancy we would discuss it then.
a few years ago, however, i started seeing a guy who asked very clearly if i was pro-choice in theory, or if i would consider an abortion myself. it was really one of the best conversations i've ever had with a man regarding abortion. he clearly stated that he was not prepared to be a parent at this time, had been unsuccessful getting a vasectomy (a whole other blog topic!), and that if i were to become pregnant, he would not father the child in any way, so he wanted to be clear before we slept together how we both felt. i think it's a conversation all couples should have. that way each person can make an informed choice prior to engaging in sexual activities.
so my dilemma with this new guy is that i wouldn't want us to get involved, have an unplanned pregnancy, and then have it be really traumatic for him if i chose an abortion. it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me either. the thing is, am i reading too much into his answers? his answer was that a potential partner's feelings on the topic are irrelevant. so i might think it was a mis-click, but for the second about his opinion changing. even if he feels my reasons for having an abortion were justified, why should i have to defend my decision to anyone? i know choosing an abortion was the right decision for everyone involved, including the foetus. should i even bother getting involved with him? risk the potential heartache that i feel is really inevitable? i kinda wish i hadn't looked at the details of our q&a, because then i could have gotten to know him a bit better before this came up. it feels way to early in our getting to know each other to be even thinking about such matters. sigh.
*i use this not to offend people who prefer to call themselves pro-life, but because it is more accurate to describe those who feel that others should not choose an abortion. people who wouldn't choose one themselves, but would respect an other's decision to procure an abortion are still pro-choice.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
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