eek!

it's been a rather long time since i've posted anything much, and i keep thinking of all kinds of things to write. i even wrote part of a post a couple days ago (now edited & posted for the date i started it)...it's really essential that i keep at it, since the longer i go, the harder it is to get back at it. as i think i've previously mentioned, i'm using the blog as a kind of exposure therapy: when dealing with anxiety disorders, one of the best tactics.

so wtf is exposure therapy? basically it involves confronting the situation that causes the anxiety, and staying in it until the anxiety passes. usually when we are confronted with an anxious situation, the stress, the panic, increase to such a point that we freak out and bail. then our minds tell us, thank gods we got out alive! i was right to be anxious! the next time the same situation comes up, our mind remembers the anxiety and starts at an even higher point of anxiety, until we can't begin at all.

so i must keep writing. each time i do, and keep at it, the anxiety gets easier to bear. i just need to keep going until my body settles down. and it will settle down. all on its own. that's the thing about anxiety. it'll pass either way. if we avoid the stressor, we mistakenly believe that's why we feel better, but eventually we would anyways.

in order for a decent exposure exercise to work, i need to find a workable level of anxiety, and just start there. that's why i'm posting on a somewhat anonymous blog. that's why i don't send the address to friends. i realise people are reading - i've had dozens of profile views, and a few comments - but knowing i won't have to discuss what i've written, receive feedback or be judged on it, makes it safer. it would be ridiculous to go back to school at this point and try to confront such high levels of distress, but posting here i can manage for the time being.

i'm fortunate enough to have a psychologist who specialises in treating clients with OCD, and who is an expert at designing such exercises. i had been feeling so overwhelmed lately, feeling like if i didn't get under the OCD, find out what drives it, i would never be well. i have been so relieved to find out that it's nothing but faulty genes. according to my doctor, there are psychosomatic theories of OCD, but little evidence to back them up. there is nothing under it. nada. hurrah! how liberating to know i have what amounts to genetic disorder that affects how my brain processes information.