frusstrashun - ai haz it.

this whole dating thing is not going as well as i had hoped. i'm meeting lots of people for sure, and getting laid more often is certainly a big bonus, but i'm struggling with the thought of what i actually want in a relationship, what i want from a partner.
specifically, i'm frustrated by meeting people i really seem to click with, whom i'm really into physically, mentally, but whom i have fundamental disagreements with. i struggle about what is truly a deal-breaker, and what is my perfectionism. what is just me sabotaging myself being happy?

there are things i have always been pretty clear on. things like i will not date or casually sleep with someone who is openly racist, homophobic, classist, ableist, etc. i feel like underlying each person's domesticated veneer is a whole slew of internalised -isms, including me. i feel like as long as someone is aware of this, and works on their judgements, i'm cool with it - and right there with them incidentally. if i meet someone who says, "you're bi? that's cool," and assumes it means hot girl-on-girl action, and/or thinks two dudes together is disgusting, i'm out. same thing with lesbians who hate bisexual dykes, and anyone who bashes transpeople in any way.

so the two issues that have come up recently are the legal rights of queers, and abortion issues. one dude i had already hooked up with a couple times, turns out he believes queer marriage should not be legal. this i'm actually okay with, because i know he's christian, and may just feel we should stick with civil unions, and not church marriage. that's fine. but he also believes that queers having kids is wrong. not cool. at all. there's clearly no future here at all, as eventually i'd like to have a child, and i may well do it with another woman. the other is not so clear.

so what's come up is that this second boy checked off a question on the dating site we belong to saying that abortion is not an option for him in the case of unwanted pregnancy. in addition, he checked that his opinion of someone would change if he found out they had had an abortion. until this past fall, i've never had a partner with whom i've disagreed about abortion rights, so it's always been this vague, nebulous kinda thing to say i wouldn't date someone who was anti-choice*. i was okay for a long time dating other people who were unsure they could choose an abortion themselves, because i felt the same way, and felt in the case of an unplanned pregnancy we would discuss it then.

a few years ago, however, i started seeing a guy who asked very clearly if i was pro-choice in theory, or if i would consider an abortion myself. it was really one of the best conversations i've ever had with a man regarding abortion. he clearly stated that he was not prepared to be a parent at this time, had been unsuccessful getting a vasectomy (a whole other blog topic!), and that if i were to become pregnant, he would not father the child in any way, so he wanted to be clear before we slept together how we both felt. i think it's a conversation all couples should have. that way each person can make an informed choice prior to engaging in sexual activities.

so my dilemma with this new guy is that i wouldn't want us to get involved, have an unplanned pregnancy, and then have it be really traumatic for him if i chose an abortion. it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me either. the thing is, am i reading too much into his answers? his answer was that a potential partner's feelings on the topic are irrelevant. so i might think it was a mis-click, but for the second about his opinion changing. even if he feels my reasons for having an abortion were justified, why should i have to defend my decision to anyone? i know choosing an abortion was the right decision for everyone involved, including the foetus. should i even bother getting involved with him? risk the potential heartache that i feel is really inevitable? i kinda wish i hadn't looked at the details of our q&a, because then i could have gotten to know him a bit better before this came up. it feels way to early in our getting to know each other to be even thinking about such matters. sigh.



*i use this not to offend people who prefer to call themselves pro-life, but because it is more accurate to describe those who feel that others should not choose an abortion. people who wouldn't choose one themselves, but would respect an other's decision to procure an abortion are still pro-choice.