huzzah 4 teh weeknd!

i had an absolutely fabulous weekend. it was a weekend of debauchery for certain, but what really made it so spectacular was just getting out of the house, with no pressure, no demands, and lots of friends. a few weeks ago there was the awesome party a friend and i hosted, but all the pressures of throwing the party really made it difficult to just enjoy the party itself, and the visist from my ex.

my psychologist and i had a long discussion last meeting about ways to prepare for social situations, and for me specifically, the dreaded "what have you been up to?" question. i always feel compelled to be honest, and one of the key reasons i struggle to leave my house is the shame i feel when revealing i am unemployed, and unable to work because of my disabilities. i also did not finish my long-lapsed arts degree, and given that i still live in this university town, i frequently get asked if i'm still/back in school. what really hit home with our discussion was our agreement that really, noone cares that much about the answer you give. those kind of questions are a way to open - similar to how are you - and nobody actually expects you to give a progress report. how liberating! so the answers i've come up with are things like "i'm trying to decide what i will be if i grow up," "i've been planning a trip to return to Haiti," and to the school question, "it's hard to convince myself it's worthwhile finishing an arts degree. i mean really, what can you do with an arts degree?"

it really worked out very, very well :) i went to my favourite goth bar, a place i once frequented waaaay too much, and ran into a lot of regulars. everyone seemed happy to see me, and noone blinked twice with any of my somewhat rehearsed responses to the dreaded questions. by the end of the night i was just feeling like myself again, totally relaxed and dancing, and remembering all the great reasons there are to go out regularly! saturday i spent most of the day in bed recovering from dehydration and (i must admit) a bit of a hangover, then got up and had delicious takeout my favourite little Chinese restaurant. a good friend arrived to pick me up around 9pm saturday, and we headed into the city to meet up with friends.

i love that we're now kinda regulars at the club we went to. i love that i'm now regularly hooking up (in both the social & sexual meaning) with a fabulous polyamorous, kinky, and gorgeous woman i met there a few months ago. i especially love that she and i have becomes friends as well, and that sometime in the next month or so i'll be meeting her girlfriend too :) it's really nice to have someone close by, yet at arm's length. i like having a regular partner, but having the distance keep it from becoming too hot and heavy too quickly. i need a break from serious dating, but knocking boots with great people makes me a much happier person.

the other highlight of my debauchery weekend was meeting up with a boyfriend from high school, whom i haven't seen in a decade or so. the sex was even better than i had hoped, which rocks of course, but what really touched my heart was a discussion about how we broke up. i accused him of breaking my heart, to which he countered that i, in fact, had broken up with him. that someone had started a rumour about his intentions, and i had just stopped speaking to him. and that he was really hurt. i can't tell you how good it feels to have had that conversation. i was devastated when we broke up, feeling like i had been had by someone whom i really cared about, and whom i had believed was a beautiful, gentle, soul. to find out he is the person i believed him to be, and that he genuinely cared for me too was wonderful. it also reaffirmed that avoiding confrontations and believing rumours can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. the whole experience has really strengthened my resolve to get things out in the open before they fester over. it's good exposure therapy ;)