ocd lol uv teh week!

i heart this video. it's tewtally how i justified my compulsions for the longest time :) hee hee!

Scary Bear: OCD for you and me!

also, go check out the site for lots of funnies. i haven't found any other ocd ones, but damn are they witty :)

i can has gud seckz, nd 'moshunal awnestee?

i am frustrated by dating lately. i suppose it's a good thing that i decide someone doesn't measure up after the first few dates. in the past i would have taken any number of the past few dates and turned them into a few angst-filled months and then ended some unhappy relationship in despair. at least i'm ending them before i feel any kind of investment.

this most recent one is a really nice guy. strike one. not his guyness, but his niceness. apparently i struggle more than i realised with taking compliments well, and accepting when someone seems to genuinely like me. i figured that it's good to test out my aversions to things to find out which are pathology, and which are actually adaptive. i still can't decide. i feel like it's way too early for him to decide he really likes me. he barely knows me. but is that my negative core belief that anyone who really knows me will dislike me? or is it realistic to be concerned that someone is so open about his attraction to me?

strike two. he's christian. this one is really tormenting me. because i'm always soooo sure that i'm open-minded and tolerant and blah blah blah. so is it a big deal that we have differing spiritual beliefs? will it be a sticking point over time? am i just really spiritual and wanting to share my spiritual life with my partners? am i really secretly intolerant and judgemental of people who believe in jesus? or is it part of my ocd that when we're naked and i see this gold cross on his chest that a little of my breakfast comes back up?

part of me thinks this is a healthy development - my pickyness - and part of me just worries that my anxieties are keeping me from letting people get close. a good friend recently pointed out that i am the queen of mixed messages. that i flirt, and make it clear that i am attracted to someone, then squeal and run away, or pull away with a creeped out look on my face, or whatever when they actually hit on me. now that i'm aware of it, i feel even more socially awkward and dorky, but she makes a good point. my last girlfriend and i never actually had sex, in spite of talking about it a great deal, and flirting shamelessly. part of it was certainly me trying to be respectful of her primary partner's newness to polyamoury, but part of it was certainly that i just liked her so damn much. a couple of times she expressed she was unsure if i actually liked her, was attracted to her, and i brushed it off as her being insecure. i reassured her i was very into her, and continued to flirt shamelessly, but turned into a giggling schoolgirl whenever we made out. sigh. i feel awful guilt now thinking about how she may have wondered if i really cared, or if i was even really attracted to her.

as i look back over the years, there's an awful lot of that. especially with the women i've dated. i think generally it's in large part because of the emotional investment. i can be with men without getting all goopy, because i assume they don't give a shit, and i don't really either generally. sooner or later - if it becomes regular - i get attached to them (sometimes) but i can totally separate sex and emotion with guys. women, however, tend to turn me into an blundering adolescent. i dunno if it's because i didn't come out until i was in theory an adult, or what, but it's like i'm as socially awkward as i was in grade school when i try to flirt with women. i have to really think consciously about what i'm doing, and i second guess every word, every facial expression when i really like a woman. i've always thought that it's in part because i don't want to ever treat a woman like a crappy boyfriend, and i've broken up with more than one woman because i felt she deserved better than me.

i guess what it comes down to is that this is clearly not working for me. if it were adaptive in any way, i wouldn't have driven off people i genuinely cared about, whom i felt very invested in. i know a big part is anxiety. because with the recent gf, the longer we went without sleeping together, the more i wanted it, and the more i wanted it to be perfect. earth shattering. the kind of sex that is so intense you cry when you come. i couldn't handle the thoughts in my head that kept asking all those what ifs? that so often hold me back: what if you disappoint her? what if you can't give her an orgasm? what if you do something embarrassing? what if her husband gets too jealous and never lets her see you again? what if she decides she doesn't like you after all? what if you fall in love? how long will it take for her to leave you?....

at the time i was on a different course of medication, including a sleep med that made me have suicidal ideation - i may post the journal entries i wrote at that time about meds - and a much higher dose of my SSNRI. i had little libido, and felt like everything was covered in a haze. i couldn't think straight. words came out awkward. i wasn't sleeping or eating properly. i thought that was all there was to it, because how could being with someone wonderful make me feel so bad? i'm now starting to re-evaluate that perspective. i don't get the same feeling with any of the recent dates that i had with her, the feeling from the first kiss that this was someone i could fall deeply in love with. nevertheless, i'm feeling some of the same anxieties.

i'm glad i see my ocd therapist on friday. we mostly talk about my hoarding, but inevitably we talk about relationships too. i'd love to get through some of this, because some day i might run into the woman of my dreams again, and this time i'd like to be ready for her.

happeh ded jebus deh

so it's good friday once again, and once again i'm with my extended family "celebrating" easter. i find it rather awkward and bizarre. when we were children the adults were dogmatic and oppressive when it came to easter. sure there were baskets of brightly coloured eggs, and chocolate enough to put a healthy person into shock, but there were also strict rules about clothing choice, fasting, prayer, mass attendance, drinking, television, and so the list continues. and here we sit, me on the laptop while the "adults" watch coronation street, after a rich dinner (still no meat, only fish ::rolls eyes::) which was accompanied by two bottles of merlot and followed by shots of vodka.

so strange how when we were kids the religion was shoved down our throats in spite of tears and protests, but now that we are old enough to choose to stay home from mass, the parents don't fast, drink as much alcohol as they like, wear slacks - or even jeans! - to mass, and spend considerable time debating whether they'll even go at all. if i were still catholic i would be disgusted by their laxity, but being a recovering catholic i'm disgusted by the hypocrisy. if it were such a big deal to force us to comply, why is it so unimportant when there are no children around?

whatever. one of the reasons i left the church is the rigidity and control, and clearly it's a widespread problem. really though, i think changing the rules now shows the desperation, and the earlier mistakes of the church. it also shows how unimportant to the faith, and how fucking political most of the earlier decrees were. if all those requirements of my childhood were really so necessary to please god, would not their mortal souls be in jeopardy? or is this not an indication that many of the church's rules are, in fact, used to control and dominate?

i think so. and i'm glad to be free.

ocd comix

i loves comics. i love comics about obsessive compulsive disorder even more.

why? because i find it helps to laugh at myself, and at my ocd.

and so i bring you one of my latest finds:

serpryz!! buttseckz!! er, serpryz?

i've been seriously had.

i'm still shaking my head in disbelief, to the point that i'm not even angry most of the time. in fact for days i couldn't stop grinning about it in spite of myself.

so what happened? well, i've been talking and flirting online with a guy for weeks now, and actually met and hooked up with him at my place a few weeks ago for the first time. after he left that first night, i ran into a friend of his, in the chat room we met in, who let me know he in fact has a girlfriend. so of course, being an ethical poly person, i brought it up with him.

the conversation went something like this: "so i ran into s***** and she tells me you live with your girlfriend..." and he said, "nope, she's wrong. my roomate is male." i replied that was the impression i had, that to honest i didn't care who else he was with, just so long as everything is on the up and up. my next question, "so do you have a wife and kids around somewhere i should know about?" he laughed, said, "no. and you?" i thought that we were in the clear.

so flirtation continued, a few play dates were made and rescheduled due to my cold/pneumonia, with the whole thing coming together friday night. after a few solid hours of awesome kinky sex, he was getting dressed again, when he dropped the bomb. i said something to the effect of, "please don't think i'm being insensitive by saying i don't want to get to know you too well right now, i just want to be clear that i'm not looking for a relationship right now," to which he replied, "and i don't want a relationship because i already have a girlfriend."

wtf? yeah, so turns out he lives at home with his mom, and has a long-term girlfriend who won't give him what he really wants sex-wise. so i asked, does she know he's hooking up on the side, and he said "no, she doesn't give me this, but i have needs." fine, but won't she be hurt when she finds out? "she's not going to find out. i didn't lie about having a girlfriend, you just didn't ask the right questions."

i feel like he was being deceptive with me, knowing that if i knew he was in an exclusive relationship i wouldn't have had him back over. that being said, i wonder why he even told me at all...he could have just continued to avoid the truth, and i would have never been the wiser. when i tried to explain about my views on poly, and mentioned my ex coming home to stay with me, he said "there you go, if things don't work out with us you've got that." so part of me wonders, was he really hoping there would be something between us? beyond the sex? was i to be his out from an unhappy relationship? was he hurt by my "coldness" - which was really just honesty - and was looking to get back at me?

while it's certainly tempting to just find a way to get back at him, to out him as queer, kinky, and dishonest, i really do think his gf deserves better, and so does he. we all deserve to be with someone we can be ourselves with, we can be honest with, and to have our sexual and emotional needs met. i wonder is he really as selfish as i am tempted to label him, or is he a guy in an unhappy relationship, afraid to admit to his partner, his friends, and his family that he is a bisexual man who desperately wants to be fucked stupid with a strap-on? i really feel for him. so many people are stuck in monogamous relationships who just don't realise that another way is possible. and so many men feel that they must choose between being gay and straight.

in the end i've decided to write him a letter, and explain why i won't be hooking up with him again. and encourage him to be honest with his partner(s) in whatever way works for them. full disclosure may not be the most compassionate route to take with his gf, but she needs to know that he has needs the relationship isn't meeting, and that if things can't change, they both need to move on so they can have the relationship they each need. it's unfair for him to be trapped in some coupling that drives him to seek outside sex and affection, but it's just as unfair for her to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone who is neither.

really bad party ideas

make a big pinata shaped like ceiling cat

fill with:
individually wrapped single serving pickles (in brine)
shelf-stable bacon
cock rings

greetinks earf gurl

lolrat built from a pic yoinked from this blog and posted over at teh ultimit lolsite. enjoy!


see more lolpics

medamorfuhsis - i duz it

i really feel like i’ve hit a wall of sorts. this week has been rather hellacious. i know it’s in large part due to the interaction between medications – it’s like i had a reduced dose of Effexor XR for 4 days – but whatever the reason i’ve got to deal with it. i am meeting tomorrow morning with reps from Ontario Disability Support Program to see if i qualify financially for disability support as i recover. i’m heading back to work with my psychologist specifically on hoarding goals. one of my ex-partners is coming home for a visit at the beginning of april, and is staying here at my place. that’s a whole bunch of possible triggers for setbacks in the next few weeks.

i called my best crisis support person – the aforementioned ex – and spoke to him at length for quite a long time. one of my biggest fears has been that he will return home, and judge me for what he perceives to be little progress. my last few relationships have been strained – if not outright ended – due in large part to my hoarding OCD. my ex also has OCD, and really our obsessions and compulsions really triggered each other. i know in my head that the break up was multifaceted, but my heart of hearts just still clings to the lies that it’s all my fault.

he was wonderfully reassuring, letting me know that he expects the apartment to be as big a disaster as when he left, and that he’s fine dealing with it for a few days, and that if it’s improved, he will be even happier about it, but that he’s proud of me either way for working on my shit. i can’t tell you how big a relief it was to hear that. the best part? one of the hardest areas of my apartment to purge has been my bathroom for a long time, due in large part to the fact that this was the site of most of our worst battles – he’s a germaphobe, and has extensive, excessive bathing habits. i’m a perfectionist who bails when things i can’t see perfection, so the bathroom just piled up with both of us fighting to clean it, and with bathing and cleaning eventually interfering with most other aspects of our relationship.

so with some of the pressure off, i took a deep breath, lowered my standards, and…with the anxiety decreased i actually managed to clean the bathroom! woohoo!! there are still some things piled in the tub, and a couple of boxes on the floor, but the sink and toilet are cleaned, the empty half of the tub and shower are scrubbed, and there’s at least twice as much visible floor space. i feel an almost delirious sense of relief.

so yeah, it’s been a bad week, but this too shall pass. deep breath. aaaaahhhhhh.

plegh.

i really hate catching respiratory viruses. having asthma means that almost every infection i get turns into either a sinus infection or bronchitis. and every few years i get some particularly virulent virus, and i end up with pneumonia.

i suppose i should have been expecting it this year. it's been a busy year for me as far as being sick goes. i had some sort of plague a few months ago that my dr. actually suspected might be pertussis (whooping cough) as well as a few lesser colds, and a bout of the flu. so really, it should come as no surprise that eventually i would be on antibiotics. again. i wish it weren't the case, but i'm on them about 3-4 times a year. sometimes more. le sigh.

i had been starting to feel better, at least as far as being able to breathe goes, and coughing up mucous goes, but i haven't been able to sleep. i've also had weird headaches, with vague nausea and some light-headedness. i thought perhaps it was because i quit smoking, but the no sleeping? weird to say the least. now it all makes sense. the sinuses are no longer gushing, but still feel somewhat congested, and incredibly sore. so i spoke with a dr. again tonight, and tadah! mystery solved. apparently some antibiotics and Effexor interact, with liver function and absorption of both drugs compromised. i guess that also explains perhaps why i have been peeing 2-3 times a day, instead of the usual dozen or so.

so i'm switching to amoxicillan, as the penicillin family of drugs don't cause the same problems, and do a better job with sinusitis. yay for an end in sight of bronchitis, pneumonia, and sinus pain! yay for being able to sleep again normally. yay for being able to breathe!

also, yay for being well enough soon to hook up again with my play toy - a super-cute 30ish boy who is game for just about anything and everything. hurrah!

go heer an laff for owrs.

srsly. look what i made. the best. gothic. poem. ever. using the Goth-O-Matic poetry generator.
bwahahahaha!

Denial

Slender beams of moonlight enter
this darkened place as I kneel,
always hopeful, always fearful,
frozen here,
waiting.

Accusing forms wrought in panes of glass loom as
dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind,
penetrating my naked soul.

Tears on a child's face.

I raise my head, now crying out for
this callous salvation.

ah luvz mah shoos - bit too muches?

as i work through my OCD - specifically the hoarding aspects of my OCD - i'm learning i need to re-evaluate what exactly it is to be organised in a healthy way. over the last three decades my fear of loss and my need for perfection in all aspects of my life have buried me in stuff. stuff that i don't really need, or even want usually, but stuff that i feel compelled to keep just in case. or because someone gave it to me. or because no-one else would want it and i feel guilty just throwing it out.

bit by bit i am letting go of all the stuff, and emotional baggage that have held me captive for most of my life. (perhaps you now understand the name of the blog, hee hee). as i do so, i am also learning to let go of my perfectionism in the way things are organised, letting things be just as they are now, rather than perfect, thus allowing me to actually move through things - both figuratively and literally.

now i seem to have reached a point where the i'm trying to organise those things i am keeping, and trying to decide what is really healthy, reasonable, adaptive. i get that organising my cds roughly alphabetically, and loosely by genre is probably a time saver, and not too obsessive. aiming to organise my myriad books by the dewy decimal system is probably a goal i should not pursue :) things get a little grey however for me at some points. for instance, is keeping all of my shoes paired, boxed, and in one place, a good way to keep them together, clean and undamaged in a multi-pet household? is it a good way to keep track of all of my shoes so that it is easier to set limits and purge? or is it perhaps overkill...a tad on the obsessive side...

i think the shoe example is probably healthy. i can decide how many pairs of shoes i really think i need, or want anyways, and then get the appropriate number of boxes. the shoes that do not fit inside the boxes, go. i think it's a tangible way to limit myself, and to help keep myself on track. that way if i want another pair of shoes, at the point of purchase i will need to think, "which pair of shoes will i give away or throw out to make room for these?" and if i can't bear to part with any of the foot wear at home, the new pair will not come back with me.

there are times i really wish i had a much larger apartment, and then i remember, if i had more space, i would only have filled it. and then i would have that much more to go through.

this is every morning at our house.

i am the mucous queen.

over the last couple of weeks i've been spending a whole lot of time just laying around coughing up disgustingly copious amounts of mucous, quantaties rivaled only by the amount of mucous coming out of my sinuses. i've also been using my asthma inhaler a few times a day, rather than the once a month or so that is the norm for me. as such i've thought about all of the things i'd like to be accomplishing, and doing none of them. the first day or so the break was nice and welcome. after that laying around watching t.v. and taking many naps per day got pretty old. i'm now thoroughly sick and tired of being sick and tired.

one of the many things i've been thinking a lot about doing is writing. no matter how wonderful something sounds in my snot-filled head though, once my hands start moving to make the words appear, it becomes clear that my thoughts get caught up somehow in the semi-solid green sludge that never seems to end. this is now the third? fourth? time i've tried to write a simple post, and my sentences are so inelegant, so fragmented (even for me) that i've just given up, will post as is.

update: i was starting to suspect i have developed a secondary bacterial infection, and it seems to have now spread to my eyes as well. this morning i couldn't open my eyes as they were glued shut with goop. yummeh. so today i'm going back to the clinic and get re-examined. thank gods for public medicare. i'm not a fan of antibiotics, but damn i love ontario.

best. comic. ever.