medamorfuhsis - i duz it

i really feel like i’ve hit a wall of sorts. this week has been rather hellacious. i know it’s in large part due to the interaction between medications – it’s like i had a reduced dose of Effexor XR for 4 days – but whatever the reason i’ve got to deal with it. i am meeting tomorrow morning with reps from Ontario Disability Support Program to see if i qualify financially for disability support as i recover. i’m heading back to work with my psychologist specifically on hoarding goals. one of my ex-partners is coming home for a visit at the beginning of april, and is staying here at my place. that’s a whole bunch of possible triggers for setbacks in the next few weeks.

i called my best crisis support person – the aforementioned ex – and spoke to him at length for quite a long time. one of my biggest fears has been that he will return home, and judge me for what he perceives to be little progress. my last few relationships have been strained – if not outright ended – due in large part to my hoarding OCD. my ex also has OCD, and really our obsessions and compulsions really triggered each other. i know in my head that the break up was multifaceted, but my heart of hearts just still clings to the lies that it’s all my fault.

he was wonderfully reassuring, letting me know that he expects the apartment to be as big a disaster as when he left, and that he’s fine dealing with it for a few days, and that if it’s improved, he will be even happier about it, but that he’s proud of me either way for working on my shit. i can’t tell you how big a relief it was to hear that. the best part? one of the hardest areas of my apartment to purge has been my bathroom for a long time, due in large part to the fact that this was the site of most of our worst battles – he’s a germaphobe, and has extensive, excessive bathing habits. i’m a perfectionist who bails when things i can’t see perfection, so the bathroom just piled up with both of us fighting to clean it, and with bathing and cleaning eventually interfering with most other aspects of our relationship.

so with some of the pressure off, i took a deep breath, lowered my standards, and…with the anxiety decreased i actually managed to clean the bathroom! woohoo!! there are still some things piled in the tub, and a couple of boxes on the floor, but the sink and toilet are cleaned, the empty half of the tub and shower are scrubbed, and there’s at least twice as much visible floor space. i feel an almost delirious sense of relief.

so yeah, it’s been a bad week, but this too shall pass. deep breath. aaaaahhhhhh.