i can has gud seckz, nd 'moshunal awnestee?

i am frustrated by dating lately. i suppose it's a good thing that i decide someone doesn't measure up after the first few dates. in the past i would have taken any number of the past few dates and turned them into a few angst-filled months and then ended some unhappy relationship in despair. at least i'm ending them before i feel any kind of investment.

this most recent one is a really nice guy. strike one. not his guyness, but his niceness. apparently i struggle more than i realised with taking compliments well, and accepting when someone seems to genuinely like me. i figured that it's good to test out my aversions to things to find out which are pathology, and which are actually adaptive. i still can't decide. i feel like it's way too early for him to decide he really likes me. he barely knows me. but is that my negative core belief that anyone who really knows me will dislike me? or is it realistic to be concerned that someone is so open about his attraction to me?

strike two. he's christian. this one is really tormenting me. because i'm always soooo sure that i'm open-minded and tolerant and blah blah blah. so is it a big deal that we have differing spiritual beliefs? will it be a sticking point over time? am i just really spiritual and wanting to share my spiritual life with my partners? am i really secretly intolerant and judgemental of people who believe in jesus? or is it part of my ocd that when we're naked and i see this gold cross on his chest that a little of my breakfast comes back up?

part of me thinks this is a healthy development - my pickyness - and part of me just worries that my anxieties are keeping me from letting people get close. a good friend recently pointed out that i am the queen of mixed messages. that i flirt, and make it clear that i am attracted to someone, then squeal and run away, or pull away with a creeped out look on my face, or whatever when they actually hit on me. now that i'm aware of it, i feel even more socially awkward and dorky, but she makes a good point. my last girlfriend and i never actually had sex, in spite of talking about it a great deal, and flirting shamelessly. part of it was certainly me trying to be respectful of her primary partner's newness to polyamoury, but part of it was certainly that i just liked her so damn much. a couple of times she expressed she was unsure if i actually liked her, was attracted to her, and i brushed it off as her being insecure. i reassured her i was very into her, and continued to flirt shamelessly, but turned into a giggling schoolgirl whenever we made out. sigh. i feel awful guilt now thinking about how she may have wondered if i really cared, or if i was even really attracted to her.

as i look back over the years, there's an awful lot of that. especially with the women i've dated. i think generally it's in large part because of the emotional investment. i can be with men without getting all goopy, because i assume they don't give a shit, and i don't really either generally. sooner or later - if it becomes regular - i get attached to them (sometimes) but i can totally separate sex and emotion with guys. women, however, tend to turn me into an blundering adolescent. i dunno if it's because i didn't come out until i was in theory an adult, or what, but it's like i'm as socially awkward as i was in grade school when i try to flirt with women. i have to really think consciously about what i'm doing, and i second guess every word, every facial expression when i really like a woman. i've always thought that it's in part because i don't want to ever treat a woman like a crappy boyfriend, and i've broken up with more than one woman because i felt she deserved better than me.

i guess what it comes down to is that this is clearly not working for me. if it were adaptive in any way, i wouldn't have driven off people i genuinely cared about, whom i felt very invested in. i know a big part is anxiety. because with the recent gf, the longer we went without sleeping together, the more i wanted it, and the more i wanted it to be perfect. earth shattering. the kind of sex that is so intense you cry when you come. i couldn't handle the thoughts in my head that kept asking all those what ifs? that so often hold me back: what if you disappoint her? what if you can't give her an orgasm? what if you do something embarrassing? what if her husband gets too jealous and never lets her see you again? what if she decides she doesn't like you after all? what if you fall in love? how long will it take for her to leave you?....

at the time i was on a different course of medication, including a sleep med that made me have suicidal ideation - i may post the journal entries i wrote at that time about meds - and a much higher dose of my SSNRI. i had little libido, and felt like everything was covered in a haze. i couldn't think straight. words came out awkward. i wasn't sleeping or eating properly. i thought that was all there was to it, because how could being with someone wonderful make me feel so bad? i'm now starting to re-evaluate that perspective. i don't get the same feeling with any of the recent dates that i had with her, the feeling from the first kiss that this was someone i could fall deeply in love with. nevertheless, i'm feeling some of the same anxieties.

i'm glad i see my ocd therapist on friday. we mostly talk about my hoarding, but inevitably we talk about relationships too. i'd love to get through some of this, because some day i might run into the woman of my dreams again, and this time i'd like to be ready for her.