i made me a blog

there are so many things bouncing around in my head that i'd like to be writing about right now: roots and causes of paedophilia, Malcolm X's teachings about inner strength, etiology of obsessive thoughts and behaviours...i don't even remember them all. finally having given myself an outlet for writing again has made me acutely aware of how many narratives there are running through my head at any moment. i spend so much time thinking through things, over and over and over...

i'm so grateful for this resource. even if noone were ever to read this, that i have a place to clear my head of some of these thoughts is an enormous blessing. besides which, i know i need to be writing, to be creating, to be teaching - more for me than for anyone else - and yet my anxieties have grown so far out of proportion that it has become this insurmountable obstacle to even pick up a pencil. a number of times i have begun a hierarchy of fears with regards to writing, and even a couple of times i have started working through them, and yet i have done little concrete other than build the anxiety through repeated false starts.

i know that actually creating a blog was only the first of a number of anxiety roadblocks that will come up, and each time the stakes will feel higher. each time i miss a day posting, i know it will be harder to get back at it. throughout this process i will need to keep reminding myself that the fear is not real - there are no actual threats to my life, to my being, to my status of success even. the fear is just part of the disease that has been trying to control my whole life.

i'm taking it back.

mai bad dey gettz wurse

i have one of the worst colds i've ever had. the coughing fits never seem to end, it's hard to swallow...i was sitting here earlier just trying to stay warm, fighting back chills when my youngest cat started harassing me. i just didn't have it in me to give, just wanted to sit and drink my hot lemon ginger tea, so i pushed her away. all of a sudden she pounced - just kind of jumped on me while running past to get my attention - knocking the hot tea from my hand, scalding my left arm, right breast, and belly. i peeled off my sweater to get the hot tea off of me, threw it in the laundry bin on the way to the bedroom, tears now welling over in my eyes. i closed the door behind me to keep her out and threw myself onto the bed only to discover the same cat had vomited all over the bed. 

at this point i was sobbing. my couch was wet, i was wet and burned, and the sheets are soaked through to the mattress in vomit. the last thing i want to do while sick as a dog is to mop up after the cats and do some laundry. i just piled the top sheet and blankets on top of the vomit and lay down to cry. 

i know my frustration is compounded by the fact that i ran out of my SSNRI*s last night, and i' just feeling too shitty to leave the house and re-fill my prescription. i know it'll take days to recover from a couple missed doses...as soon as i miss a dose, the frustration just builds, my anxiety just builds, my confusion just builds...and so of course i don't feel at all like going out...and so the prescription remains unfilled...

i started having the fantasy again of just laying in bed, having everything i need just flowing into my veins intravenously. sometimes i just don't want to have to go on. not commit suicide or anything, just to take some time out so i don't need to do fight any more.

*Selective Seratonin/Norepinefrin Reuptake Inhibiter

lyfe haz a flavr

i just finished watching a television show on eating disorders... i cried. a lot. one thing that really got me was when one of the young women on the show looked at a photo of herself pre-eating disorder, and she said "she let me down. she should have been stronger." and i cried for her, but i also cried for me.

so many times i've beaten myself up for things i've done, for choices i made as a teenager, or even as a child, for things that were not my fault. for doing the best i could when facing things that no child, no adult even, should have to bear. for using the tools i had at the time, for making decisions and taking actions based on the limited resources (physical, emotional, etc) i had at the time.

whenever we look back at the roots of our mental illnesses, we need to be gentle with ourselves. we need to remember that whatever decisions we made years earlier, before we understood ourselves as we do now - as we work to understand ourselves even better - we made with the best intentions. we made them as best we could at the time. we need to let go of guilt and regret, and just breathe.

i'm going to go take a walk, and a few deep breaths, myself.

i can haz blogg!!1!

so, first post.

i have been procrastinating about this whole blog thing for quite awhile now. i even started writing daily "posts" on my laptop to try and get myself into the habit, and start to get over my anxieties about writing. after 6 weeks or so, the anxiety started to lap the enthusiasm and the posts slowed to once a week. plus they began to feel like work, instead of catharsis.

so why anxiety? i have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - as well as an alphabet soup of other things, lol, and my perfectionism that OCD brings makes me want to review, review, review, and make it all just perfect! so then i can't finish. i need to get over it. so here we are.

welcome to my journey.