mai bad dey gettz wurse

i have one of the worst colds i've ever had. the coughing fits never seem to end, it's hard to swallow...i was sitting here earlier just trying to stay warm, fighting back chills when my youngest cat started harassing me. i just didn't have it in me to give, just wanted to sit and drink my hot lemon ginger tea, so i pushed her away. all of a sudden she pounced - just kind of jumped on me while running past to get my attention - knocking the hot tea from my hand, scalding my left arm, right breast, and belly. i peeled off my sweater to get the hot tea off of me, threw it in the laundry bin on the way to the bedroom, tears now welling over in my eyes. i closed the door behind me to keep her out and threw myself onto the bed only to discover the same cat had vomited all over the bed. 

at this point i was sobbing. my couch was wet, i was wet and burned, and the sheets are soaked through to the mattress in vomit. the last thing i want to do while sick as a dog is to mop up after the cats and do some laundry. i just piled the top sheet and blankets on top of the vomit and lay down to cry. 

i know my frustration is compounded by the fact that i ran out of my SSNRI*s last night, and i' just feeling too shitty to leave the house and re-fill my prescription. i know it'll take days to recover from a couple missed doses...as soon as i miss a dose, the frustration just builds, my anxiety just builds, my confusion just builds...and so of course i don't feel at all like going out...and so the prescription remains unfilled...

i started having the fantasy again of just laying in bed, having everything i need just flowing into my veins intravenously. sometimes i just don't want to have to go on. not commit suicide or anything, just to take some time out so i don't need to do fight any more.

*Selective Seratonin/Norepinefrin Reuptake Inhibiter