there are so many things bouncing around in my head that i'd like to be writing about right now: roots and causes of paedophilia, Malcolm X's teachings about inner strength, etiology of obsessive thoughts and behaviours...i don't even remember them all. finally having given myself an outlet for writing again has made me acutely aware of how many narratives there are running through my head at any moment. i spend so much time thinking through things, over and over and over...
i'm so grateful for this resource. even if noone were ever to read this, that i have a place to clear my head of some of these thoughts is an enormous blessing. besides which, i know i need to be writing, to be creating, to be teaching - more for me than for anyone else - and yet my anxieties have grown so far out of proportion that it has become this insurmountable obstacle to even pick up a pencil. a number of times i have begun a hierarchy of fears with regards to writing, and even a couple of times i have started working through them, and yet i have done little concrete other than build the anxiety through repeated false starts.
i know that actually creating a blog was only the first of a number of anxiety roadblocks that will come up, and each time the stakes will feel higher. each time i miss a day posting, i know it will be harder to get back at it. throughout this process i will need to keep reminding myself that the fear is not real - there are no actual threats to my life, to my being, to my status of success even. the fear is just part of the disease that has been trying to control my whole life.
i'm taking it back.
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