we're back from hell <3

yesterday was intense. beyond intense. as my previous post clearly shows, i went to some very dark places. i got swept up in waves of emotions that pulled me far from centre, far from my grounded happy place - a place i generally manage to stay in, even when i'm utterly depressed. there is always hope. except when it feels like there isn't.

i wrote yesterday's post while my Muse was out with a friend, and i realise i needed to get the words out to process the emotions. i also realise that sometimes i do that - here particularly - and then i don't go back and rewrite the ending. i don't add to the story with how it was resolved. in paper journals there are some entries that are so raw, so painful, that i rip them out and burn them, releasing all the pain & anger & hurt... realising that the process of writing allowed those emotions to be worked through, but that to re-read them would only serve to re-injure myself. i've decided to not delete posts here, no matter how dark they may get, because part of writing a recovery blog, in my opinion, is allowing others to see just how low i can get. it's more honest, but more importantly, i hope it allows others who struggle with mental & emotional health issues to relate, and to see that even in the darkest hours there is some hope of light. even with those dark moments i'm continuing to become healthier and happier. they're part of the recovery process.

putting my philosophies of recovery blogging aside for a moment, an update on where i'm at this morning.

i am deeply grateful for the beautiful relationship i'm in right now. beyond that, i feel very blessed to be in this beautiful relationship with someone equally committed to self discovery & self challenge. i felt incredibly supported, in what could only have been an emotionally difficult moment. my Muse was able - and more importantly willing - to step back a bit, put on the friend hat, and help me work through all of my insecurities, my self-doubt, my fears... i'll go into detail in a another post, with his consent, but in short i'm reminded that listening to my Muse's words, rather than my ocd mind, is always the way to go. i'm still getting used to the fact that when he says how he's feeling, that that is how he's feeling. there is no deceit here, not even sub-text. yesterday i took his words, saw in them the chance he was doubting our relationship, and then let my ocd convince me a break-up was imminent. worse yet, i then concluded that i should cut my losses and run. i know that all was about me, and my own views, my own expectations of relationships, of people, and of men in particular... it feels really good to have those unhealthy core beliefs challenged (even torn down and replaced), especially when they're being replaced with more joy & wonder than i ever thought possible in my life <3