it's been a productive day, but i am fill of emo

or perhaps it's because it's been such a productive day that i'm feeling emo. i got a huge pile of dishes washed, and sorted through most of the stuff on the kitchen floor. finished a load of laundry, and got a bunch of reading done in one of my compulsive hoarding texts. even more than that, i finished a few exercises and sent out a note to a few friends, asking them to complete the other half of the questions. basically there were five questions to ask myself, then the same questions to be answered about me. i sent the questions to four friends and my muse, and got a response back so far from just one. i almost didn't send it to one of the friends, because she can be a bit...impatient... i dunno. she's awesome people, and known me a really long time, but i realise i frustrate her at times. she's also one of a group of friends who did a big house clean up for me a couple of years ago when i got really overwhelmed, but i think before i realised that hoarding was the actual issue.

anyways, she brought up the cleanup in her answer, and just the way she phrased things leads me to believe she's cranky with me. i suppose not just that, but i got to feeling really anxious about her disappoint in me, and that just started that spiral of self-loathing i'm so familiar with...

the writing of this post was interrupted by a call from my Muse, and after a few minutes of chatting i realised i was far to upset to have a normal conversation. he was busy doing other things while we spoke, and i was feeling really needy. i explained to him that i was feeling fragile, and that i couldn't cope with not having his undivided attention. i didn't - and don't - blame him for checking email while we spoke, since that's something both of us are normally totally okay with. i knew i was feeling really upset & that it's my responsibility to deal with that, so i left him to do his work and proceeded to work through my anxiety.

i realised that what i was doing to myself at that moment was focusing on all of my failures: ways i had disappointed friends, ways i had hurt people in the past, how long i have been struggling with hoarding, how many therapies have not worked... i was also conscious that i was holding a whole lot of tension in my body that was causing physical pain in addition to the mental anguish i was in. so i prescribed myself an accomplishment list & a few yoga poses, and once completed i felt pretty awesome actually. after writing a list of all my recent accomplishments with purging, resisting accumulating, and organising (which filled a page!) i gave myself a foot and leg massage with moisturiser, then went through a series of poses that focus on the legs, hips and back. i ended in Shavasana (Corpse Pose) and truly felt the surrender overtake me. i sent my Muse a text message letting him know i was much better, and fell into a deep sleep. :)