(from PostSecret)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
an american thanksgiving
jack & jill went up the hill to get a piece of ass
jack knelt down, jane turned round -
they both came hard & fast.
jack knelt down, jane turned round -
they both came hard & fast.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
word makes tiny smiley faces...
i met this morning with my worker from the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) and it was rather productive. i’ve be relapsing in a big way the last few months, and it really has been overdue for me to get back on track. we spoke at length about where i’ve lost it, and made some goals about how to get me feeling more in control of my life, and my recovery.
the first priority really needs to be getting me out of the house. i’ve gone days at a time – even weeks – without going farther than the paring lot of my complex. last week i had started back at the gym, but all it took was one day missing a workout to send me back to hermiting away from the world again. i can’t rely on other people to get me out. not only is it not really empowering myself, but it’s not fair to anyone else either to make them responsible for keeping me on track. i certainly appreciate all the efforts made by friends and workers to get me out, but really i need to be stepping up to do it myself.
so i started on a list of things to do this week to get me out & about:
- to pharmacy for menstrual supplies
- to the bookstore for a few Yule gifts
- to the downtown mall to get Unicef cards
- to the post office for stamps
- to anywhere to purchase toilet paper before i run out this weekend ☺
- run over to friends’ house to look after beady-eyed knee-sock (ferret)
i also started a list of things to help me get ready for working:
- purchase a new second-hand pair of pants for winter & job hunting
- do 3 loads of laundry to catch up and have nice clothes ready to wear
- empty my voicemail at least every other day
- update my resume for retail work
- shower at least every other day
- collect list of places hiring in the downtown
i still need to work out ways to be more sociable with friends & family. i spoke with a really close friend for close to an hour tonight on the phone, and it felt really good. i still got all anxious part-way through the conversation, and lately that’s been happening with even my primary partner. i don’t know if it’s because i spend so much time alone that i feel like i have nothing to say, or that i’m again so fearful of saying something stupid… i still can’t find my copy of “Mind Over Mood” and i fear it may have been lent out never to return, so when i go to the bookstore tomorrow for prezzies, i think i’l just buy another copy. even though CBT doesn’t do a whole lot for OCD, it takes a huge bite out of anxiety and depression, and since i know it works for me, it’s worth the investment to have a second copy. if i were to find the original somewhere, it’d just be a fantastic resource to lend out to friends, are give away to someone who could benefit.
we also spoke about my difficulty with my anxiety just before bedtime. it’s definitely the worst time of day, starting usually about 7pm, about 4 hours before i take my normal dose of medication. i think it’s the time of day when my blood levels of meds drop, but breaking up the dose never seems to work terribly well for my sleep schedule either. i need to talk with my primary physician about getting another prescription for atavan. even though it can have a depressive effect when used regularly, just taking it once a week before bed helps keep my sleep on track a bit, and it more than halves my anxiety for a good 3-4 days after every dose. definitely worth it for me, since anxiety is my biggest cause of depression any how.
that means my last list, phone calls i need to make includes:
- book appointment with primary physician, psychiatrist
- check availability of CBT classes to register for come January
- follow up with potential employer from last interview
- call friend re: knitting
- call friend re: gym tomorrow morning; ferret sitting
- call date about Saturday night (that’s a whole ‘nother entry…)
- call mom about addresses for x-mas cards
phew. i think that’s all i immediately need to get out of my head. my worker and i agreed taking time to journal and get all the crap out of my head before i lay down with thoughts spinning is a better way to help with sleep, than trying to get up and write once i’ve already laid down. so get ready for regular posts kids ☺
the first priority really needs to be getting me out of the house. i’ve gone days at a time – even weeks – without going farther than the paring lot of my complex. last week i had started back at the gym, but all it took was one day missing a workout to send me back to hermiting away from the world again. i can’t rely on other people to get me out. not only is it not really empowering myself, but it’s not fair to anyone else either to make them responsible for keeping me on track. i certainly appreciate all the efforts made by friends and workers to get me out, but really i need to be stepping up to do it myself.
so i started on a list of things to do this week to get me out & about:
- to pharmacy for menstrual supplies
- to the bookstore for a few Yule gifts
- to the downtown mall to get Unicef cards
- to the post office for stamps
- to anywhere to purchase toilet paper before i run out this weekend ☺
- run over to friends’ house to look after beady-eyed knee-sock (ferret)
i also started a list of things to help me get ready for working:
- purchase a new second-hand pair of pants for winter & job hunting
- do 3 loads of laundry to catch up and have nice clothes ready to wear
- empty my voicemail at least every other day
- update my resume for retail work
- shower at least every other day
- collect list of places hiring in the downtown
i still need to work out ways to be more sociable with friends & family. i spoke with a really close friend for close to an hour tonight on the phone, and it felt really good. i still got all anxious part-way through the conversation, and lately that’s been happening with even my primary partner. i don’t know if it’s because i spend so much time alone that i feel like i have nothing to say, or that i’m again so fearful of saying something stupid… i still can’t find my copy of “Mind Over Mood” and i fear it may have been lent out never to return, so when i go to the bookstore tomorrow for prezzies, i think i’l just buy another copy. even though CBT doesn’t do a whole lot for OCD, it takes a huge bite out of anxiety and depression, and since i know it works for me, it’s worth the investment to have a second copy. if i were to find the original somewhere, it’d just be a fantastic resource to lend out to friends, are give away to someone who could benefit.
we also spoke about my difficulty with my anxiety just before bedtime. it’s definitely the worst time of day, starting usually about 7pm, about 4 hours before i take my normal dose of medication. i think it’s the time of day when my blood levels of meds drop, but breaking up the dose never seems to work terribly well for my sleep schedule either. i need to talk with my primary physician about getting another prescription for atavan. even though it can have a depressive effect when used regularly, just taking it once a week before bed helps keep my sleep on track a bit, and it more than halves my anxiety for a good 3-4 days after every dose. definitely worth it for me, since anxiety is my biggest cause of depression any how.
that means my last list, phone calls i need to make includes:
- book appointment with primary physician, psychiatrist
- check availability of CBT classes to register for come January
- follow up with potential employer from last interview
- call friend re: knitting
- call friend re: gym tomorrow morning; ferret sitting
- call date about Saturday night (that’s a whole ‘nother entry…)
- call mom about addresses for x-mas cards
phew. i think that’s all i immediately need to get out of my head. my worker and i agreed taking time to journal and get all the crap out of my head before i lay down with thoughts spinning is a better way to help with sleep, than trying to get up and write once i’ve already laid down. so get ready for regular posts kids ☺
Sunday, November 16, 2008
really, it's therapy...
i have no idea what was so important about this graph, or why i felt it was related to therapy, so here's a random unfinished post!!
really? it's halfway through november?
so in spite of being tired physically, my mind just will not quiet down tonight. it’s a bit of a racing monkey mind most nights as i lay down to sleep, but today (well really all week) it’s been particularly active. perhaps it’s the moon phase – we are in Gemini still i believe – but regardless of the reason, it’s chatter, chatter, chatter.
i really must begin leaving a notepad and pen/marker/pencil/crayon next to the bed, so that on nights such as this i can roll over and purge all the little “aha!”s and “what if?”s from my mind. i know there is a near-endless supply of them in there, but generally if i can get a bunch out, eventually my mind begins to tire, or wander, and soon sleep comes.
this blog was intended for just such a purpose. it was my hope that i would use it as a journal, as a way of marking and revisiting my progress, and as a way of sharing with others whose journeys may be similar to my own. instead it’s become somewhat of a chore. something which hangs over my head as one more thing ‘to do’, and far too much effort to get back into.
it just seems that those times i most need self-care are exactly the times it falls apart. those times i most need friends around for hugs, smiles, and a reason to get out of the house are the times i feel most compelled to turn off the phone and just hide. those times i would benefit most from a walk, or some asanas, or a work-out are the times i just want to go back to bed. it’s when i most need to write and clear my mind that opening my laptop, or even just picking up a pencil feels so difficult.
my most recent bout of depression – which i’m not convinced i’m not out of yet – has been dominated by the theme of me not speaking up. i haven’t been talking about how i’ve been feeling. i haven’t been asking for what i need. i haven’t been expressing my hurts, my fears, my angers. i haven’t been speaking really at all. i stopped signing into facebook entirely, i just stopped email and calling most of my friends, and worst of all, i just threw up my hands and walked away from those i was dating without even a goodbye. i couldn’t find the words to express how i was feeling. i struggled with what to say so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings. i struggled so long that weeks began to pass without me saying anything, until finally it seemed better to say nothing at all – if only to save myself the shame of trying to explain how i could just cut off communication.
i wish i could say i was sorry, and i wish i could mean it. but sorry to me means, “i’m sorry that i hurt you, i’ve realised what i’ve done wrong, and have figured out a way to do it differently next time.” the problem is that i am sorry for hurting others, and i know it’s selfish, self-destructive, and probably a whole lot of other things too, but i just don’t know that i won’t do it again. in fact, at this point i feel like it’s an incredible likelihood that i’ll just run away from everyone with regularity, each time a depressive episode hits.
my support worker – gods love her – just showed up at my house last week to check in on me. i had been avoiding her calls, not returning her calls, and eventually my in-box filled. thankfully she popped by to check in on me, and she said she had seen me unravelling over the last couple of months. i felt really relieved to hear her say it. i felt like each time i expressed a sensation of backsliding in my recovery, she would encourage me to call my psychologist, or my physician, just keep at it, etc. at the time i felt like she was glossing over my fears, my sense of losing control, but now i realise she was just trying to steer my back on course. as she said, i’m someone who has struggled for years with mental illness, and probably always will, and therefore i need to be someone who stays on top of it. i need to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful skills and resources i have in me, and around me. i need to keep reminding myself that when i feel the least like doing something i know is good for me, that’s the time i need it most.
i really must begin leaving a notepad and pen/marker/pencil/crayon next to the bed, so that on nights such as this i can roll over and purge all the little “aha!”s and “what if?”s from my mind. i know there is a near-endless supply of them in there, but generally if i can get a bunch out, eventually my mind begins to tire, or wander, and soon sleep comes.
this blog was intended for just such a purpose. it was my hope that i would use it as a journal, as a way of marking and revisiting my progress, and as a way of sharing with others whose journeys may be similar to my own. instead it’s become somewhat of a chore. something which hangs over my head as one more thing ‘to do’, and far too much effort to get back into.
it just seems that those times i most need self-care are exactly the times it falls apart. those times i most need friends around for hugs, smiles, and a reason to get out of the house are the times i feel most compelled to turn off the phone and just hide. those times i would benefit most from a walk, or some asanas, or a work-out are the times i just want to go back to bed. it’s when i most need to write and clear my mind that opening my laptop, or even just picking up a pencil feels so difficult.
my most recent bout of depression – which i’m not convinced i’m not out of yet – has been dominated by the theme of me not speaking up. i haven’t been talking about how i’ve been feeling. i haven’t been asking for what i need. i haven’t been expressing my hurts, my fears, my angers. i haven’t been speaking really at all. i stopped signing into facebook entirely, i just stopped email and calling most of my friends, and worst of all, i just threw up my hands and walked away from those i was dating without even a goodbye. i couldn’t find the words to express how i was feeling. i struggled with what to say so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings. i struggled so long that weeks began to pass without me saying anything, until finally it seemed better to say nothing at all – if only to save myself the shame of trying to explain how i could just cut off communication.
i wish i could say i was sorry, and i wish i could mean it. but sorry to me means, “i’m sorry that i hurt you, i’ve realised what i’ve done wrong, and have figured out a way to do it differently next time.” the problem is that i am sorry for hurting others, and i know it’s selfish, self-destructive, and probably a whole lot of other things too, but i just don’t know that i won’t do it again. in fact, at this point i feel like it’s an incredible likelihood that i’ll just run away from everyone with regularity, each time a depressive episode hits.
my support worker – gods love her – just showed up at my house last week to check in on me. i had been avoiding her calls, not returning her calls, and eventually my in-box filled. thankfully she popped by to check in on me, and she said she had seen me unravelling over the last couple of months. i felt really relieved to hear her say it. i felt like each time i expressed a sensation of backsliding in my recovery, she would encourage me to call my psychologist, or my physician, just keep at it, etc. at the time i felt like she was glossing over my fears, my sense of losing control, but now i realise she was just trying to steer my back on course. as she said, i’m someone who has struggled for years with mental illness, and probably always will, and therefore i need to be someone who stays on top of it. i need to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful skills and resources i have in me, and around me. i need to keep reminding myself that when i feel the least like doing something i know is good for me, that’s the time i need it most.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
