word makes tiny smiley faces...

i met this morning with my worker from the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) and it was rather productive. i’ve be relapsing in a big way the last few months, and it really has been overdue for me to get back on track. we spoke at length about where i’ve lost it, and made some goals about how to get me feeling more in control of my life, and my recovery.

the first priority really needs to be getting me out of the house. i’ve gone days at a time – even weeks – without going farther than the paring lot of my complex. last week i had started back at the gym, but all it took was one day missing a workout to send me back to hermiting away from the world again. i can’t rely on other people to get me out. not only is it not really empowering myself, but it’s not fair to anyone else either to make them responsible for keeping me on track. i certainly appreciate all the efforts made by friends and workers to get me out, but really i need to be stepping up to do it myself.

so i started on a list of things to do this week to get me out & about:
- to pharmacy for menstrual supplies
- to the bookstore for a few Yule gifts
- to the downtown mall to get Unicef cards
- to the post office for stamps
- to anywhere to purchase toilet paper before i run out this weekend ☺
- run over to friends’ house to look after beady-eyed knee-sock (ferret)

i also started a list of things to help me get ready for working:
- purchase a new second-hand pair of pants for winter & job hunting
- do 3 loads of laundry to catch up and have nice clothes ready to wear
- empty my voicemail at least every other day
- update my resume for retail work
- shower at least every other day
- collect list of places hiring in the downtown

i still need to work out ways to be more sociable with friends & family. i spoke with a really close friend for close to an hour tonight on the phone, and it felt really good. i still got all anxious part-way through the conversation, and lately that’s been happening with even my primary partner. i don’t know if it’s because i spend so much time alone that i feel like i have nothing to say, or that i’m again so fearful of saying something stupid… i still can’t find my copy of “Mind Over Mood” and i fear it may have been lent out never to return, so when i go to the bookstore tomorrow for prezzies, i think i’l just buy another copy. even though CBT doesn’t do a whole lot for OCD, it takes a huge bite out of anxiety and depression, and since i know it works for me, it’s worth the investment to have a second copy. if i were to find the original somewhere, it’d just be a fantastic resource to lend out to friends, are give away to someone who could benefit.

we also spoke about my difficulty with my anxiety just before bedtime. it’s definitely the worst time of day, starting usually about 7pm, about 4 hours before i take my normal dose of medication. i think it’s the time of day when my blood levels of meds drop, but breaking up the dose never seems to work terribly well for my sleep schedule either. i need to talk with my primary physician about getting another prescription for atavan. even though it can have a depressive effect when used regularly, just taking it once a week before bed helps keep my sleep on track a bit, and it more than halves my anxiety for a good 3-4 days after every dose. definitely worth it for me, since anxiety is my biggest cause of depression any how.

that means my last list, phone calls i need to make includes:
- book appointment with primary physician, psychiatrist
- check availability of CBT classes to register for come January
- follow up with potential employer from last interview
- call friend re: knitting
- call friend re: gym tomorrow morning; ferret sitting
- call date about Saturday night (that’s a whole ‘nother entry…)
- call mom about addresses for x-mas cards

phew. i think that’s all i immediately need to get out of my head. my worker and i agreed taking time to journal and get all the crap out of my head before i lay down with thoughts spinning is a better way to help with sleep, than trying to get up and write once i’ve already laid down. so get ready for regular posts kids ☺