really? it's halfway through november?

so in spite of being tired physically, my mind just will not quiet down tonight. it’s a bit of a racing monkey mind most nights as i lay down to sleep, but today (well really all week) it’s been particularly active. perhaps it’s the moon phase – we are in Gemini still i believe – but regardless of the reason, it’s chatter, chatter, chatter.

i really must begin leaving a notepad and pen/marker/pencil/crayon next to the bed, so that on nights such as this i can roll over and purge all the little “aha!”s and “what if?”s from my mind. i know there is a near-endless supply of them in there, but generally if i can get a bunch out, eventually my mind begins to tire, or wander, and soon sleep comes.

this blog was intended for just such a purpose. it was my hope that i would use it as a journal, as a way of marking and revisiting my progress, and as a way of sharing with others whose journeys may be similar to my own. instead it’s become somewhat of a chore. something which hangs over my head as one more thing ‘to do’, and far too much effort to get back into.

it just seems that those times i most need self-care are exactly the times it falls apart. those times i most need friends around for hugs, smiles, and a reason to get out of the house are the times i feel most compelled to turn off the phone and just hide. those times i would benefit most from a walk, or some asanas, or a work-out are the times i just want to go back to bed. it’s when i most need to write and clear my mind that opening my laptop, or even just picking up a pencil feels so difficult.

my most recent bout of depression – which i’m not convinced i’m not out of yet – has been dominated by the theme of me not speaking up. i haven’t been talking about how i’ve been feeling. i haven’t been asking for what i need. i haven’t been expressing my hurts, my fears, my angers. i haven’t been speaking really at all. i stopped signing into facebook entirely, i just stopped email and calling most of my friends, and worst of all, i just threw up my hands and walked away from those i was dating without even a goodbye. i couldn’t find the words to express how i was feeling. i struggled with what to say so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings. i struggled so long that weeks began to pass without me saying anything, until finally it seemed better to say nothing at all – if only to save myself the shame of trying to explain how i could just cut off communication.

i wish i could say i was sorry, and i wish i could mean it. but sorry to me means, “i’m sorry that i hurt you, i’ve realised what i’ve done wrong, and have figured out a way to do it differently next time.” the problem is that i am sorry for hurting others, and i know it’s selfish, self-destructive, and probably a whole lot of other things too, but i just don’t know that i won’t do it again. in fact, at this point i feel like it’s an incredible likelihood that i’ll just run away from everyone with regularity, each time a depressive episode hits.

my support worker – gods love her – just showed up at my house last week to check in on me. i had been avoiding her calls, not returning her calls, and eventually my in-box filled. thankfully she popped by to check in on me, and she said she had seen me unravelling over the last couple of months. i felt really relieved to hear her say it. i felt like each time i expressed a sensation of backsliding in my recovery, she would encourage me to call my psychologist, or my physician, just keep at it, etc. at the time i felt like she was glossing over my fears, my sense of losing control, but now i realise she was just trying to steer my back on course. as she said, i’m someone who has struggled for years with mental illness, and probably always will, and therefore i need to be someone who stays on top of it. i need to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful skills and resources i have in me, and around me. i need to keep reminding myself that when i feel the least like doing something i know is good for me, that’s the time i need it most.