a detox of sorts

the last few months have involved a continual cleansing process in my life. i've been de-cluttering, purging, letting go. i've quit smoking, come off of medications, thrown out or given away what amounts to several truckloads of things. i'm putting less garbage in my body, and letting go of the physical things that surround me. what i didn't expect, in all of this, is that i'd be purging the people in my life too.

it's a strange thing that's evolved, and i can't quite put my finger on how or when it started, but slowly & surely i've let some people go from my life. at first i didn't really think anything of it, because it's really common for me to go through periods of hermit-like behaviour and just shut the world out, especially in winter. but this year has been different. i haven't felt the need to make excuses, or apologise for not keeping in touch; some of my relationships have just organically shifted, and in a few cases, basically ended. the strange thing this time, is that in a few cases, when the opportunity to do so has arisen, i've realised i don't want to resume the friendship.

last week i had a long visit with someone who was, until recently, one of my bestest. for no particular reason, just a little of this, a little of that, we had barely spoken in months, and hadn't had a good visit in a few. it didn't feel like a break-up of the friendship, although i had intentionally put some space between us at other times in the distant past. when we got together though, and she expressed how much she's missed me, i realised just how far we had come from the kind of friends we had once been. though i still love her, i really don't feel any pull to go out of my way and resume the closeness we once had.

i'm wondering if the difference lies in where my spiritual life has gone lately. since receiving my Reiki Master attunements, not just my body, but my mind, my very soul, have been much more clear with what they want - and what they don't want - around. hours of real crime shows & crime dramas are no longer entertaining, but just make me twitchy. music with sexist, violent, racist lyrics compels me to switch channels. i find myself trusting my instincts, my intiution more, and if something makes me uncomfortable, i don't do it.

that's not entirely true. if i sense the discomfort is something i need to confront, like in an anxiety exposure exercise, then i'll feel the fear and do it anyways. different kinds of discomfort require different responses. some things i just don't do. i'm speaking up more about things that are hurtful to others, but perhaps most important, i'm speaking up about things that are harmful to me. i'm not interested in putting up with disrespect anymore, because bottling it up not only hurts me more, it denies the other party the opportunity to be called on their shit & decide if they want to continue, or do things differently in their lives.

more interesting things have come from this practice. i'm finding myself more and more surrounded by people who also value honesty & respect. i'm drawing in people who are committed to self-reflection & self-growth, and those people in my life who are interested in drama, and finger-pointing, and self-indulgence are slowly but steadily moving on. i'm truly relishing all the deep conversations, all the mucking about in dark areas of the psyche, explorations of the underbelly of the human soul. i'm spending more time deepening my awareness, and my spiritual practice, and i'm realising those people in my life who are leaving aren't inherently more flawed than anyone else, they were just taking up space i'm now using for things that make me much happier. i hope the space i've left in their lives fills up with something equally joyful :)