i just cut off abut 4 inches of hair.

i tried a few other methods to settle down – therapy exercises, deep breathing, herbal remedies, distraction – and in the end i was still laying in bed, all keyed up, wanting to seriously injure myself.

i’ve quit smoking, and i haven’t cut or made myself vomit in what seems like forever, but i just needed some kind of outlet – some physical way to bring myself back to myself, out of the pit of the overwhelming despair. the brief moments i found myself out of the sadness, i felt myself wanting to lash out, to scream, yell, kick someone. i just feel so incredibly frustrated. so hurt. so lonely.

the haircut helped. somehow cutting my hair always feels so powerful. it feels like i’ve rid myself of so much baggage. my hair has been so brittle lately, tangley & breaking off. i can barely run a comb through it, and even when i run my fingers through it i’m left with a handful of crumbling hairs. it was getting so thin and stringy and gross, and i just felt like pulling it back and whatever all the time.

i know that society deems a woman’s hair to be this huge focus of our beauty, desirability, our sexiness. i’ve always rebelled against beauty standards, and i try to make choices that make me feel comfortable, and therefore confident and sexy on my own terms. i’m well aware as well that straight men universally tell me to grow my hair out, and that dykes always compliment my hair when it’s shorter. i’ve posted online polls about my hair, and without exception the straight peeps said grow it out, dykes said cut it off. i’d like to be more attractive to Pooh Bear, and i know he wants me to have long hair… if i had to choose though, attractive to straight people or attractive to queer people, there’s no competition. Other than Pooh Bear, i’d be happy to never have sex with a straight person ever again.

anyways, i'll probably regret it at some point, and i know Pooh Bear is going to freak when he sees me. i think in some ways it's probably a way to lash out at him seeing as how we've been fighting so much lately. right now though, it feels awesome. i love how it looks. i love how the broken hair shows less. i love how it doesn't hang in my face. i love how it's off my neck. i've been feeling so shitty lately it's nice to feel happy about something, and now i can sleep.