One bag too many

a detox of sorts

2010-03-28T11:01:00.003-04:00

the last few months have involved a continual cleansing process in my life. i've been de-cluttering, purging, letting go. i've quit smoking, come off of medications, thrown out or given away what amounts to several truckloads of things. i'm putting less garbage in my body, and letting go of the physical things that surround me. what i didn't expect, in all of this, is that i'd be purging the people in my life too.

it's a strange thing that's evolved, and i can't quite put my finger on how or when it started, but slowly & surely i've let some people go from my life. at first i didn't really think anything of it, because it's really common for me to go through periods of hermit-like behaviour and just shut the world out, especially in winter. but this year has been different. i haven't felt the need to make excuses, or apologise for not keeping in touch; some of my relationships have just organically shifted, and in a few cases, basically ended. the strange thing this time, is that in a few cases, when the opportunity to do so has arisen, i've realised i don't want to resume the friendship.

last week i had a long visit with someone who was, until recently, one of my bestest. for no particular reason, just a little of this, a little of that, we had barely spoken in months, and hadn't had a good visit in a few. it didn't feel like a break-up of the friendship, although i had intentionally put some space between us at other times in the distant past. when we got together though, and she expressed how much she's missed me, i realised just how far we had come from the kind of friends we had once been. though i still love her, i really don't feel any pull to go out of my way and resume the closeness we once had.

i'm wondering if the difference lies in where my spiritual life has gone lately. since receiving my Reiki Master attunements, not just my body, but my mind, my very soul, have been much more clear with what they want - and what they don't want - around. hours of real crime shows & crime dramas are no longer entertaining, but just make me twitchy. music with sexist, violent, racist lyrics compels me to switch channels. i find myself trusting my instincts, my intiution more, and if something makes me uncomfortable, i don't do it.

that's not entirely true. if i sense the discomfort is something i need to confront, like in an anxiety exposure exercise, then i'll feel the fear and do it anyways. different kinds of discomfort require different responses. some things i just don't do. i'm speaking up more about things that are hurtful to others, but perhaps most important, i'm speaking up about things that are harmful to me. i'm not interested in putting up with disrespect anymore, because bottling it up not only hurts me more, it denies the other party the opportunity to be called on their shit & decide if they want to continue, or do things differently in their lives.

more interesting things have come from this practice. i'm finding myself more and more surrounded by people who also value honesty & respect. i'm drawing in people who are committed to self-reflection & self-growth, and those people in my life who are interested in drama, and finger-pointing, and self-indulgence are slowly but steadily moving on. i'm truly relishing all the deep conversations, all the mucking about in dark areas of the psyche, explorations of the underbelly of the human soul. i'm spending more time deepening my awareness, and my spiritual practice, and i'm realising those people in my life who are leaving aren't inherently more flawed than anyone else, they were just taking up space i'm now using for things that make me much happier. i hope the space i've left in their lives fills up with something equally joyful :)

more than two months medication-free :)

2010-03-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

when i started this here blog, i intended to use it as an online repository of my thoughts and as a record of my steps in recovery from severe mental illness. i haven't, in retrospect, really accomplished that particular goal. Or at least i haven't really formally recorded too many steps i've taken, tangible things i've done, etc. This whole thing is, in large part, for myself, though by making it a public blog my intent was to lend a small modicum of support (of the you're not alone variety) to other folks struggling to make sense of their selves.

And so, a post about recovering from anti-depressants/anti-anxielytics. specifically, Effexor) If you've ever taken Effexor, and tried to stop or missed a dose, you'll know first-hand that the withdrawal symptoms can be more horrific than any symptoms it's prescribed for: neurological symptoms that comprise everything from dizziness to uncoordinated movements and tremors to the sensation you're being electrocuted over & over for weeks on end. Depression, anxiety and paranoia that not uncommonly escalate into delusions and even full-on psychosis. sleep disturbances. violent intrusive thoughts. nausea with or without vomiting. i could go on, but instead i'll just add these links in case you're interested in more.

So under a doctor's supervision, i began scaling back my Effexor dose at the end of last summer. We discussed my goals & motivations. i want to become pregnant & Effexor can cause complications during pregnancy. It's also risky in terms of life long disabilities to children born of women who consumed Effexor during pregnancy. I'd rather be through all the withdrawal before even attempting to go there. I've completed a round of cognitive behavioural therapy relating to my OCD/hoarding, and have great social supports in place. I'm not formally employed, but want to start my own business, and didn't want to go through withdrawal after starting that process. He agreed it was a good idea to see if i was able to go drug-free. There's clinical evidence that folks with a true clinical depression prescribed Effexor have a 50% decreased chance of relapse as compared to consumers of other antidepressants.

The withdrawal was horrible. We stepped down my dose by 37.5 mg every few weeks, and each time the first two weeks at the new dose was a struggle. I was blessed to have my Muse with me throughout the process, as well as the support of my parents and a few close friends. The final step down from 37.5 mg to nothing was the start of one of the most difficult months of my life. It was uncomfortable to do anything other than lay down for hours each day (and even laying down i didn't feel well). You know that sensation when you spin a bunch of times in a circle & stop? when the pressure on your head feels like an explosion is imminent? When you move your head & it takes your eeys a few seconds to catch up & refocus & all the while you still feel like you're in motion? Yeah, that. That for about three weeks solid. No reprieve, just slightly better and worse moments. That & migraines, irritability, violent intrusive thoughts, sensitivity to noise & light. Honestly the first night i was without vertigo i danced for hours in my living room because it felt so good to move without puking.

I didn't tell most of my friends what i was doing, because i didn't want to deal with well-intentioned, yet misinformed questions like, "how will you control your depression without drugs?" How misinformed, you may ask? Depression is generally episodic, with some people experiencing relapses. Being on the same dose of meds long-term treats depression as a chronic condition. There's little evidence to suggest that someone who is depressed will always continue to be so. The first psychiatrist who told me this was a Ghanaian-Canadian woman who hadn't bought into North American pharmaceutical marketing rhetoric, and she urged me to go off my meds so we could assess if i actually still needed them. I was 18 at the time, and lived drug-free for the next 3 years with nowhere near the skills and supports i now have. I intend to keep thriving, drug-free, this time.

And i do mean thrive. My life is better in most ways than i ever remember it being. I'm in close contact with both my family & my birthfamily. I've started teaching Reiki professionally. I'm in better physical health than i've been in recent memory. I auditioned for and was asked to join a performance art troupe. I'm writing poetry again - profusely! Mentally i feel much clearer, much more lucid.

It's certainly not all sunshine and roses, but mostly it is. I have some days when anxiety & intrusive thoughts make an appearance. If yoga, meditation, journally and/or Reiki fail to calm the monkey mind, i take a little herbal remedy. I'm cautious about my use, because cannabis can exacerbate depression & anxiety if over-used. So far it's brought increased calm & additional clarity. It was absolutely indispensable in getting me through all the nausea of withdrawal, but since that's resolved i'm using it less and less. It's been ten weeks since i stopped Effexor entirely, and i haven't felt any signs of relapse. huzzah! :)

2010-02-27T14:33:00.004-05:00

so last night, at a party to do some fundraising work for a local festival, i met the current fiancee of my former fiancee. i knew she was going to be there - the host had warned me ahead of time - and i didn't want to be awkward, but i suppose some degree of discomfort was to be expected.

there were some conversations that were a struggle. at one point i was talking about my degus, and she jumped in, interrupting me, to talk about how awesome degus are, and how her fiancee had the cutest awesomest degus, and telling stories about them & these kittens that were living there at the time, blah blah blah. i found it extraordinarily hard to not interrupt & bitch her out. i mean please, she never met my fucking degus. she never met two of the kittens mentioned, and she's interrupting me to tell stories about them? a few minutes later, when the conversation moved on to a local campus she attends, & which guests work there, she asked how long ago i had worked on campus, and suggested i might know her awesome fiancee! "uh yeah. i used to be engaged to him." i managed to restrain myself and to gently point out that the degus she had just been talking about were, in fact, the same degus i had been talking about. what i really wanted to say was, "oh and the degus you were talking about, the ones you never actually met, those were my degus, that your charming fiancee dropped like a bag of burning dogshit when we split."

i don't actually dislike her, but i can't say i'm a fan either. she's extraordinarily young, and terribly insecure, and emotionally very teenager-like. it was hard listening to her bitch about my former mom-in-law, and whining about some really insignificant thing that had happened and how it was so obviously the biggest, worst thing ever to happen! and to sit there realising that had i not miscarried, i would have given birth to my first child (and said ex's first child) while she was still in elementary school. fuck.

as i listened to her talk, especially as i observed her distain for children & her self-absorption, i realised again how utterly grateful i am that the Ancestors, Spirits & my Higher Self did not allow that pregnancy to come to full term. a number of friends & family members are currently going through messy separations, and i am so utterly grateful that not only is the ex not in my life, but that this woman is not participating in raising my child.

when i got home i laid in bed for a while, angrily tossing and turning. it's amazing to me how most of my ex-partners are people i still utterly love and cherish, yet there are a few i'd still like to punch in the face. i don't know that there's a decernable pattern in who fits into which column, but the ex-fiance/handfasted partner/common-law spouse is certainly in the latter group. i'm still angry that he told me after we split that he would never again date a younger person, never again date a student, and yet at least two of the women he dated after leaving me were teenagers when he first started seeing them - this one included. i try really hard to not be judgemental about age differences between partners, but there's something extraordinarily skeezy to me about a man in his thirties who dates a 19 year-old. i don't know if it's my in-born suspicion of men, or my intimate knowledge of this particular man that has me judging him. i wonder, if someone continues to get older, and yet he keeps dating people who are younger, and younger, what does that say about his emotional development? i can't help but draw the conclusion that he's still avoiding all the difficult work of self-interrogation that enables a person to learn and grow as an emotional being.

so last night, after an hour or so of tossing & turning, i got back out of bed. i had a good cry for the child that i lost, and reminded myself that being grateful for the way things turned out is not a rejection of that child's life, nor is it being grateful for his death, but rather it's gratitude that he's waiting for a healthier time to come through. i smudged, and read some Dharma (Buddhist teachings), then sat in meditation and released all unjust anger. i let go of all that anger that no longer serves a purpose in my life now, or in the future. i released all anger that would harm myself or others. i held onto the anger that is just, that is productive & protective, all that anger that is meant for healing & learning, but all other anger i released. i feel pretty exceptionally good today after it all, and way less irritable than i've been over the last few weeks.

i think i'm getting a handle on this life thing :)

water is a cleansing gift

2010-01-22T20:33:00.007-05:00

i am filled today with such deep, deep sorrow. i am an empath - one who can feel the emotions & physical experiences of others - and i'm having one of those days wherein i can no longer discern what is mine, and what belongs to those around me...

a number of my loved ones are dealing with the resurfacing of deep wounds, of dark & painful memories, and even worse, with the realisations of how deeply their lives are still affected by the horrors they have survived. it's reminded me of how much healing there remains to be done in myself, in my own life. it's also reminded me that lots of us walk around looking so together on the outside, and yet operating from a place of disbelief that we even deserve to be happy, that we deserve any love, that we deserve anything good. it's also reminded me that sharing my vulnerabilities can help someone else feel less alone.

at the same time i'm feeling so much gratitude. a Haitian friend has been found safe in Canada. people are still being pulled alive from the rubble. the world community community is waking up to the realities of unfair debts that place nations such as Haiti in a state of perpetual poverty. Canadians are rallying across this country demanding our government behave democratically, and to hold accountable those responsible for abuses in Afghanistan. i truly believe that the world is becoming a better place.

and yet... in this country, people with mental illnesses are still often treated as less than human. rates of recovery for mental illness have worsened over the last 50 years, in spite of - of perhaps even because of - the variety psychiatric medications that are widely available. rather than helping people live clean & sober lives, the disease model of addictions has led many addicts to battle endlessly with substance use (and other self-destructive behaviours), believing themselves victims & invalids, incapable of actually changing their lives.

yesterday i received news that a friend had passed some months ago, his death the result of a drug overdose. he was Mohawk & white. he was raised in a family that had survived, but never really healed from, the horrors of the residential school system. his mother's own struggles with addiction led to her early death. an AA membership & "treatment" for bipolar disorder did nothing to furnish him with the tools needed move past his traumas. he hit his partner, and within his shame & anguish of finding himself continuing the same cycle of abuse that had brought him to that place, he chose the only way out he could see.

so tonight i find myself crying many hot, salty tears. i'm crying for the children (and the adults they've become) who have endured things no being ever should. i'm crying for parents who were themselves once these same children, and who never had someone help them learn differently. i am crying for children who have lost their parents entirely, and parents who have found their children dead amongst the rubble that once was Haiti. i am crying for friends who made it out safely, yet who's family have not.

and i'm crying for myself tonight too. i'm crying for the things i have overcome, and i'm crying for all of the things i have not yet healed. i'm crying for the deep deep blessings of being a healer, and having so many other lightworkers in my life. and i'm crying in the hopes that one day there will be enough healing for all of us to grow past our traumas, and into the light.

the promise of more beauty to come <3

2009-11-14T10:43:00.005-05:00

from notebook: november 8/09

There's this kind of beautiful promise in a brand-new notebook - pages perfectly clean & untouched, edges crisp, the sound and sensations of turning a page for the very first time it's ever been turned.

I'm hoping this week - maybe even today - i will finish off my last notebook & be able to recycle it all. It's a work book really. It contains notes from my OCD hoarding texts, draughts of poems, a dozen or so fragments of journal entries that were intended to become blog posts, plus to-do lists, gratitude lists, accomplishment logs, shopping lists, etc. The poems i intend to type into my laptop, & email the files to myself (just in case), and likewise with the notes from a recent business course. The gratitude lists i'll probably re-read for a smile, then let go to recycling. . . some of it will make it into this brand-new notebook, i'm sure.

Things have been happening at what feels like break-neck speed lately. I'm incredibly grateful for having received my Reiki Master/Teacher training in June, most especially for the attunement themselves. We did a lot of healing work on ourselves and each other, and the attunements (like a Buddhist empowerment, or a Christian sacrament of baptism) cleared so much energy, so much resistance in my life. I feel like most days i can now just intend for something to be learned, or some past hurt to be let go, or what have you, and it just happens. It's new and powerful, and sometimes i forget about it. It's a good thing to remember, because i certainly don't want to focus my intent on negativity, but also because there's no good reason to make things any more difficult than they need to be.

The energetic and physical clearing happening in my home is very nearly breathtaking. I realise that probably seems like a funny thing to say. . . i imagine most people just think they'd like to have a clean, tidy house, and then just do it. Then again, perhaps more people find decluttering difficult than i believe is the case. Regardless, this process of overcoming my OCD-driven hoarding is an absolute joy. It's brutally hard work at times. It's emotionally exhausting, mentally challenging, and has pushed me to the absolute limits of what i believed i was capable of. The end result, thus far, is that i've had to accept that i'm capable of far more than i ever gave myself credit for. That's a little un-nerving i suppose, but overall, sheer bliss <3

not the kind of heart-pounding excitement i'm generally into...

2009-11-13T07:35:00.001-05:00

i’m absolutely terrified.

My Muse’s heart is pounding – a fast, irregular beat that’s hard to pin down. My mother’s dad died when he was 42. A past love died at age 41. My last partner’s father died at 44. That alone wouldn’t be enough to launch me into paranoia, but my Muse was also diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. He told me he was once given just a few months to get his blood sugars under control before being prescribed insulin, which he did. I’m skeptical when he says he’s not currently diabetic, because my understanding was that insulin treatment comes well into the progression of diabetes, not near the beginning. I’m confused and concerned: Muse has been avoiding testing his blood sugars for i’m not sure how long, but certainly a few months, as i don’t believe he’s tested them since we’ve been dating.

i know he’s an intelligent man – he’s seriously a fucking criminal genius (except mostly law-abiding) – and in most ways he’s soooo good at taking care of himself. He pays attention t o the amount of sleep he gets, drinks lots of water & little alcohol, avoids too many sweets…he keeps his mind open & clear with challenging reading and serene meditation…i could go on, but the overall pattern is that he’s good at balance in most things, and he dives deeply into things to fully understand them. I find it hard to believe that he dedicated himself to lowering his blood sugars (and did it) without totally throwing himself into understanding insulin-related illness, their etiology, prevention, and treatment.

Because of all this, i can’t get my head around the possibility that he may not understand (or know all about) the long-term consequences of continually fluctuating blood sugars and/or untreated diabetes. The damage to internal organs alone is frightening, nevermind the threat to limbs and extremities. There’s got to be something else going on, and i have no idea what.

I don’t know what to do. Earlier he was complaining of back pain & a stiff, sore shoulder. He’s getting over the flu, and often suffers shoulder pain. He had a tightly wincing pain in his neck…same possible explanation as above. Last night and today his breathing was laboured and wheezy…fuck, and now this. After he told me about the chest pain i started to get really scared & he could see/feel my rising panic & immediately recoiled, and asked me to stop…i don’t think my fear is at all helpful, and i don’t think it’s at all unreasonable either… maybe i should just go upstairs and check in… i don’t think i can be there without worrying – and that’s stressful for him. If i’m down here on the couch worrying, will that be stressful? Fuck. I’m so afraid he’s having a heart attack…

* * * * *

So i chose to go upstairs, and when i did, Muse was happy to see me again. We snuggled briefly, my mind racing about how much – if anything – to say. After what seemed like only a moment, he said he needed more space. i was so confused. i tried to make myself as small as possible, to take up just a sliver of the edge of the bed, hoping he just meant physical space, and that he would give me some indication of wanting to snuggle again, if that’s what he wanted. I was so cold, so heartbroken…the gap between us felt like a vast emotional chasm & the actual space let in a stream of cold air down over my extremely sore spine. I shivered with sadness, cold, & pain through the night. At one point Muse got up to use the loo, & when he came back he crawled on top of me, over the blankets. He said he was loving me up because i seemed so sad, but when i asked why he thought that was, he just sighed and went back to his side of the bed.

It was a long night, and in spite of all my physical discomfort & emotional angst, i actually came to some good insights. I realised i’d been making some decisions over the previous few days that were really self-sacrificing in an unhealthy way… I don’t want to insinuate that selflessness is a bad thing, even for me. I think making decisions for the benefit of others is a beautiful thing when done joyfully, but it’s not at all beneficial (for anyone) when it’s done out of feelings of obligation, or self-deprecation, or when there’s an expectation of anything in return. I need to come to some…conclusions…decisions? i don’t know the word i’m looking for. I need to find ways i can support my Muse in his journey towards better health that feel good for me, and that also feel good for him. I also need to find a way to be able to express my concerns for his health in a way that he understands comes from a place of love, and a desire to see him happy… We had a decent chat in the morning, before we needed to part ways. i’m hopeful we’ll get to a good place with this. In the meantime i’m taking some time to review my own self-care goals, and recommit to the ones i’m already working on. First stop, yoga!

2009-10-29T10:49:00.004-04:00

i've been somewhat frustrated lately with blogging - or rather frustrated by not blogging. i have 2-3 entries (maybe more actually) written down on paper, but when i get to the laptop either i go blank & my anxiety peaks, or i avoid it & get drawn in by crackbook & twitter. When i do type a post directly into blogger, i end up re-reading & editing the post for an hour or more after. it's a real struggle to resist the correcting compulsion.

so i've determined that the best way for me to continue with this whole process is to keep writing in long-hand, then type it up later. Sure, it doesn't mean you'll see my updates in "real time," but is anyone demanding that besides me? i think not. i was reading the Daily Coyote the other day, & found it's author Shreve Stockton saying the exact same thing. Since the whole point of this blog is to document my recovery & to share my struggles & triumphs with others - not to be an exposure exercise in and of itself, that's how i intend to proceed. please bear with me, k?

i'm also reworking the tags/labels to do away with the lolspeak. sure it's fun, but it's somewhat geek elitist, and not terribly helpful in search engines. hurrah for progress!

it's been a productive day, but i am fill of emo

2009-10-19T23:02:00.004-04:00

or perhaps it's because it's been such a productive day that i'm feeling emo. i got a huge pile of dishes washed, and sorted through most of the stuff on the kitchen floor. finished a load of laundry, and got a bunch of reading done in one of my compulsive hoarding texts. even more than that, i finished a few exercises and sent out a note to a few friends, asking them to complete the other half of the questions. basically there were five questions to ask myself, then the same questions to be answered about me. i sent the questions to four friends and my muse, and got a response back so far from just one. i almost didn't send it to one of the friends, because she can be a bit...impatient... i dunno. she's awesome people, and known me a really long time, but i realise i frustrate her at times. she's also one of a group of friends who did a big house clean up for me a couple of years ago when i got really overwhelmed, but i think before i realised that hoarding was the actual issue.

anyways, she brought up the cleanup in her answer, and just the way she phrased things leads me to believe she's cranky with me. i suppose not just that, but i got to feeling really anxious about her disappoint in me, and that just started that spiral of self-loathing i'm so familiar with...

the writing of this post was interrupted by a call from my Muse, and after a few minutes of chatting i realised i was far to upset to have a normal conversation. he was busy doing other things while we spoke, and i was feeling really needy. i explained to him that i was feeling fragile, and that i couldn't cope with not having his undivided attention. i didn't - and don't - blame him for checking email while we spoke, since that's something both of us are normally totally okay with. i knew i was feeling really upset & that it's my responsibility to deal with that, so i left him to do his work and proceeded to work through my anxiety.

i realised that what i was doing to myself at that moment was focusing on all of my failures: ways i had disappointed friends, ways i had hurt people in the past, how long i have been struggling with hoarding, how many therapies have not worked... i was also conscious that i was holding a whole lot of tension in my body that was causing physical pain in addition to the mental anguish i was in. so i prescribed myself an accomplishment list & a few yoga poses, and once completed i felt pretty awesome actually. after writing a list of all my recent accomplishments with purging, resisting accumulating, and organising (which filled a page!) i gave myself a foot and leg massage with moisturiser, then went through a series of poses that focus on the legs, hips and back. i ended in Shavasana (Corpse Pose) and truly felt the surrender overtake me. i sent my Muse a text message letting him know i was much better, and fell into a deep sleep. :)

phew, purging is hard work sometimes

2009-10-11T15:27:00.003-04:00

today the universe, or rather the university, gave me a deadline that forces me to pick up my feet about something i've let drag over the last year or so. since i dropped out of university (perhaps permanently this time) i've been aware that sooner or later my university email account would be deactivated. as i've mentioned before, i have a bit of a hoarding challenge associated with my ocd. one of the biggest challenges for me is to part with information, or potential sources thereof. i'm constantly battling the obsession with knowing everything that's offered to me, and the compulsion or ritual that i feel i need to carry out is to intently read & understand (& if possible remember)every piece of information that comes my way. as you can imagine, this means there are many piles of newspapers & magazines, and unread books & lecture notes, and all kinds of physical repositories of information scattered throughout everywhere i frequent. it pains me to part with anything that i may need to consult later, or that represents information i may need to come back to at any point. how this translates to email is that correspondence contains information, and i have a hard time parting with messages.

so this impending deadline. it's tuesday. that's right, i basically have today and tomorrow to go through the entirety of the last 11 years of inbox messages & folders, and make decisions about what to forward, redirect, and delete. it's a process i've been avoiding for years. literally.

generally the way my ocd compels me to sort through this kind of stuff is to thoroughly read most of it, before feeling safe deleting it. because of the time crunch, however, i risk losing everything if i proceed in this way. combine that with the genuine desire to avoid giving in to my compulsions, i've been ruthlessly sorting through email the last few hours. i've taken breaks for sure, but mostly i've been just deleting, unsubscribing, canceling accounts, redirecting mail, etc. so far i've updated okcupid account, unsubscribed from some list-serves, and closed my eHarmony account (that one was particularly satisfying, since i closed it by saying, 'thanks, but i've already found someone who really understands me, just like the people on your commercials'). i've also forwarded, then deleted my birth family messages, and deleted a junky mail folder without even reading it.

now comes the difficult parts. i have three folders full of messages from three very important ex-lovers. one is from a best friend who evolved into a lover who left me... we were unable to stay friends and i sometimes feel those messages were all i had left of him. my Muse reminds me of him - only without the angst & self-loathing he embodied - so i know that there will be all kinds of awesome contained in those letters. i'm very tempted to read them before i delete them, or even just forward a copy to my active email account. i need to leave that decision for a bit and come back to it. the second is from my former common-law spouse, someone i hand-fasted with, planned children with... and i kept every single email we ever sent each other. that huge folder of messages contains an entire story arc of our complete relationship - right through to the bitter end. i'm pretty sure i can delete it now. i'm tempted to go back and read a few of the cutesy pre-dating flirtation emails, but i think that would ultimately just lead to emo. in fact, i'm going to delete them right now before continuing this post.

and it's done. wow. i'm going to dance and laugh and just take this moment in before i come back to do more. and there's more to do. the last difficult folder contains years worth of emails between myself & a friend/lover who had a non-relationship spanning about four years - my longest actual relationship, though we never officially dated, whatever the fuck that means :P i think i'm still holding on to that one because we have some unfinished business, or at least i do. i'll let you know what the hell i do with that one. but first, food.

we're back from hell <3

2009-10-10T09:16:00.006-04:00

yesterday was intense. beyond intense. as my previous post clearly shows, i went to some very dark places. i got swept up in waves of emotions that pulled me far from centre, far from my grounded happy place - a place i generally manage to stay in, even when i'm utterly depressed. there is always hope. except when it feels like there isn't.

i wrote yesterday's post while my Muse was out with a friend, and i realise i needed to get the words out to process the emotions. i also realise that sometimes i do that - here particularly - and then i don't go back and rewrite the ending. i don't add to the story with how it was resolved. in paper journals there are some entries that are so raw, so painful, that i rip them out and burn them, releasing all the pain & anger & hurt... realising that the process of writing allowed those emotions to be worked through, but that to re-read them would only serve to re-injure myself. i've decided to not delete posts here, no matter how dark they may get, because part of writing a recovery blog, in my opinion, is allowing others to see just how low i can get. it's more honest, but more importantly, i hope it allows others who struggle with mental & emotional health issues to relate, and to see that even in the darkest hours there is some hope of light. even with those dark moments i'm continuing to become healthier and happier. they're part of the recovery process.

putting my philosophies of recovery blogging aside for a moment, an update on where i'm at this morning.

i am deeply grateful for the beautiful relationship i'm in right now. beyond that, i feel very blessed to be in this beautiful relationship with someone equally committed to self discovery & self challenge. i felt incredibly supported, in what could only have been an emotionally difficult moment. my Muse was able - and more importantly willing - to step back a bit, put on the friend hat, and help me work through all of my insecurities, my self-doubt, my fears... i'll go into detail in a another post, with his consent, but in short i'm reminded that listening to my Muse's words, rather than my ocd mind, is always the way to go. i'm still getting used to the fact that when he says how he's feeling, that that is how he's feeling. there is no deceit here, not even sub-text. yesterday i took his words, saw in them the chance he was doubting our relationship, and then let my ocd convince me a break-up was imminent. worse yet, i then concluded that i should cut my losses and run. i know that all was about me, and my own views, my own expectations of relationships, of people, and of men in particular... it feels really good to have those unhealthy core beliefs challenged (even torn down and replaced), especially when they're being replaced with more joy & wonder than i ever thought possible in my life <3

through the storm we reach the shore, you give it all but I want more...*

2009-10-09T14:05:00.006-04:00

i'm feeling rather devastated... maybe that's too strong of a word... i don't know. today for brunch Muse & i were out eating at a busy restaurant and got into a discussion about polyamory, about what our relationship is, about where this all is going... he admitted that he's felt from the beginning that this is a relationship that may end, because of who i am - specifically that i'm poly. he told me he's aware that he's always holding some part of himself back because of this, and that when we talk poly he can feel himself shrinking back, withdrawing. he just doesn't know if he'll be able to handle it, how he'll react, if i express desire of being with someone else. i spoke with Effie (an ex-girlfriend turned really good friend) this morning and she related her feelings about her current relationship with a monogamous man, and the similarities she sees in our current partners. her advice was to consider if i would be happy being in a monogamous relationship; if i thought i was able to just pretend for the entirety of my relationship with my Muse that i wanted nothing else, noone else, ever. she feels that if i'm unable to do that, i should make sure he never forgets i'm poly, so that if the desire to be with someone else comes up for me, it won't be a shock again, like ripping off a bandage off a freshly scabbed wound.

in theory anyways, i agree with her. the reality of the situation, however, is that the thought of me with other people - even past partners - is really hard for my Muse. he lives with the constant thought that at some point he may not be able to handle being with me, and we'll need to split. i love him far too much to be willing to cause him this much suffering. i know he says he's open. i know he says he's willing to explore. i just can't help feeling that he's only willing because he feels that he has to in order to be with me. that because of who i am he's being forced to confront some of his worst fears. he keeps saying he knows these are lessons he knows he has to face right now, and that he knew these things would be issues when he made the decision to let himself fall in love with me. i'm just not sure i want to be the one to make him work so hard.

i'm probably being unfair. he knows i've had to confront some huge emotions to be with him: my fears of being totally intimate with a man; my combined fear & discomfort around fellatio, my terror at letting someone into my ocd mind-world and seeing my hoarding behaviours... i guess i just feel like the stuff he's had to confront is waaay bigger: the reality that i'm waaaaay closer to gay than totally bi, the reality of many very intense past love affairs - and around fifty past sexual parters, the reality that his physical & emotional love may never be able to meet all of my needs...

i feel like i've been pulled back in time almost, to the same place i was almost a decade ago, falling deeper and deeper in love with Jellybean (not her real name, obviously). When we first got together i was seeing someone else, and she said though she was monogamous, she was okay with the fact that i was seeing someone else. five months later when i was breaking up with him i could feel myself pulling away from her... though she had never admitted it, i knew that she had been putting her own desires on hold for the previous 8 months, in the hopes that one day i would be single, that it could be just us, that someday she would be "enough" for me. i knew watching me grieve for my broken heart was going to be difficult for her, and that when i was ready to date other people again it would be almost unbearable for her. i felt like she deserved far, far better than to compromise what she really longed for in a partner, so i broke it off.

it was horribly painful. i went through a series of rapid rebound hook-ups, pretending how unaffected i was by what i had lost, who i had hurt, and that only confused and hurt her more. i understand her anger, her indignity at my decision to protect her from hurt. she felt i was deeming her weak; that i was patronising her by deciding how much she could handle. i don't know that she ever has - or ever will - really understand that i just loved her too much... perhaps it wasn't a reflection of how strong i felt she was, but rather a fear of how weak i am... of what i am unable to bear... of my limited capacity to see the ones i love in such pain...

i'm finding it pretty unbearable to consider just how much i may be hurting my Muse. i really can't bear the thought of being with anyone else, for fear of his heart breaking. this huge part of me feels like i should just bury any desires i may have for other people, to just pretend this isn't who i am. i want to live in that place where it feels like we're totally vulnerable to each other, like we complete each other... in that place it's easy to just see this man whom i truly want to spend the rest of my life with. this is a man i almost desperately want to have children with; to raise a family with.

i really thought i'd never be in this place again. i had given up any hope of ever loving someone this much. it seemed outside the realm of possibility to fall this in love, unlikely that i would ever find someone i seriously wanted to parent with. even a few months ago i would have been in total disbelief had someone told me i would ever trust a man this much again. i feel like i've been given some giant do-over by the universe, yet i'm being told i can everything i want, except for everything i want. i can have total love and trust and devotion and total partnership, but i can never again run my tongue over a woman's vulva. i can have a stable loving family, but then i can never again experience a first kiss, a budding romance. i can have the best, most fulfilling, orgasmic sex of my life, but i'll never again put on my harness & slide my cock into a warm wet pussy and bring a woman to pinnacle of ecstasy. that i'm even considering the compromise tells you just how wonderful my Muse is, how totally happy i am with him. and yet i find myself wondering not, 'do i deserve more than this?', but rather, 'do i even deserve what i already have, let alone the risk of more?'

* words: Bono (from With or Without You, The Joshua Tree, 1987.)

blessed autumnal equinox

2009-09-22T22:17:00.001-04:00

as the wheel turns i start my preparations for the coming darkness by renewing my relapse prevention plan. every year the shorter days and gloomy skies threaten to pull me back into a seasonal depression, so every year i find it necessary to come up with a game plan that will help me stave off any gloomy moods and make it through the winter in one piece.

i started this morning by setting up my SAD light and checking the bulbs: everything operational. i also started back on my multi-vitamins, a habit i had let lapse recently. i’ve taken a month off of doing my self care charts (they track my eating habits, exercise, etc) because i was starting to get obsessive about it all, and that’s the exact opposite effect i want the practice to have on my life. i’ll be continuing the light therapy and multivitamins this week, then moving on to some more goals for each week until all are implemented. here’s this year’s plan:

* begin my day with 15-25 minutes of light therapy
* resume daily multi-vitamins with iron
* up intake of vitamin D supplement to 5 times per week (from current 3)
* resume daily self-care charts to keep self on track and identify weaknesses
* limit to 2 times per week nights awake after midnight
* resume Ativan use once per week to keep sleep schedule on track
* stock cupboards with packaged foods that require little or no preparation for days i am unable to cook & unmotivated to eat
* on days i am motivated to cook things such as soups & stews, make large batches & freeze portions for rough patches
* continue to set weekly social goals to keep me connected with loved ones – not just online, but in person & on phone too!
* keep bed reasonably clear of other stuff; change sheets & make bed regularly

i can see right now the sleep being the biggest challenge, at least in the near future. although i’ve been joking that i don’t foresee the novelty ever wearing off between my Muse and i, i am aware that at some point it will become possible for us to be in the same room without having to make a concerted effort to not ravish each other. when we get to that point we may actually get some decent sleep when we’re together. right now, however, once we get going sex rarely is less than a three hour adventure. wonderful, yes, sustainable, no. with my schedule i can afford to nap, but i dearly love this man & don’t really want to run him into the ground… at least not in the sense of utterly wearing him out… entirely…

so anyways, where was i? oh yeah. going to bed at a fairly regular time & keeping my bed a restful place to ensure some quality to my sleep is a big priority. though i can mostly manage this end, at his place i find it very easy to get carried away & forget my self-care on the physical level. on the plus side, my mental/emotional self-care is solid when i’m with him. he has a way of grounding me… even when he’s telling me i’m being ridiculous in some way, or letting my OCD take over, he’s utterly respectful, loving… plus finally i’ve managed to find someone who not only calls me on my shit, but who also deals with his own shit. i love it. he lets me know when i’m crossing a line into taking responsibility for something that’s his, and is careful to not try & direct my own processes which allows me to do the same. it’s challenging. it’s letting me see my own shortcomings. it’s motivating me to confront some crap that i had let go for whatever reason… and the sex is really, really good :)

i am a confident, successful Reiki Master

2009-09-20T22:06:00.002-04:00

tomorrow i have a day-long seminar about launching into business. it's been almost three months (to the day) since i became a Reiki Master/Teacher, and about eight years that i've been practicing as a Reiki healer informally. i keep saying to myself - and everyone else - that i'm confident about the healing end of things, just the business end of things scares the living piss out of me. as the reality of launching a business myself - launching a business that is myself really - i've become increasingly doubtful that i can actually make a living just being who i am.

twice now in the last week people who love me very much have reminded me that being who i am is exactly what will make me successful. trying to pretend to be all professional & straight laced like other healers i admire is not going to help people feel comfortable & trusting around me - at least not the people who really need me. after all, being exactly who i am over the last near decade has brought me plenty of beings who need healing, many people who have asked me to teach. exactly as i already am. tonight my Muse spoke of having a niche community, such as a massage therapist he knows who is part of the BDSM community & therefore draws many of her clients from within that community. by just being openly kinky she makes it possible for someone who might otherwise hide his or her bruises, lash marks, wax burns & piercings from a massage therapist. worst case scenario, those people might not get the healing they deserve if there are no healers they feel they can trust.

i've certainly had this experience myself many times. i had a therapist who knew nothing about the issues adoptees carry with them cry because she was unable to have children & my apparently thanklessness about being adopted by this nice family shook all her beliefs about who is deserving of children. or maybe i just triggered her grief. either way i was a child, and figured out quickly that noone at Children's Mental Health was going to be able to do much for me. i've dealt with endless counsellors, physicians, therapists, social workers, whatever, who don't have a clue what to do with someone who's polyamorous, queer, promiscuous, and frequently gets a craving to be beaten across the back with some kind of leather implement. i'm sick of explaining that i'm not afraid of commitment or monogamy, i just prefer something else. i'm sick of having someone sit wide-eyed while i talk about issues my partner and i are having negotiating household chores when another lover is spending the night. the last thing a person needs when baring their soul and looking for support is the sense that they are being judged and utterly misunderstood.

so thinking about that whole closet full of t-shirts i got from being there & doing that, i decided to create a list of who might fall into my niche:

fellow suicide survivors & loved ones of those who had survived or died of suicide
individuals & families dealing with adoption/fertility/family creation issues
sexual assault & abuse survivors (especially men, as i've had a number of close male friends & lovers i've supported in the recovery process)
mental health system consumers/survivors
folks battling or recovering from substance abuse & eating disorders
folks battling or recovering from other self-medicating behaviours such as cutting, hair pulling, excessive exercise
polyamorous peeps; families who have multiple co-parents
dykes, queers, trannies, lesbians, fags, pansexuals, homos, genderqueers, two-spirit, intersex folks, and even straight people :P
kinky folks, those in the lifestyle, the BDSM community
sex workers
pagans, heathens & mystics
folks dealing with pain-management issues due to injury, rheumatoid disease, arthritis, etc

there's perhaps more... i feel like i've probably missed some. no matter for now. i just needed to remind myself that when my higher self, my ancestors, guides & the deities got together to decide what path i'd follow this lifetime, they intended for me to be exactly the person i am, in order to do exactly the job i've been given. the rest will follow.

had a rather bad melt-down this evening.

2009-09-15T21:53:00.003-04:00

earlier i was chatting with a friend about different kinds of birth control, which inevitably led to a conversation with my current partner... i'm not sure exactly how the conversation unfolded to be honest, but at some point i found myself telling him in great detail about the horrible experience i had at a walk-in clinic when i was miscarrying eight years ago. what began as a rant about the inaccessibility of reproductive choices for women - often controlled by medical professionals and men - became me dumping a whole pile of emotions about this awful conversation i had with a male doctor...

i dunno. i just started talking about the inappropriateness of his bringing up why i wasn't on the pill when i admitted i hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and i found myself saying that i was so angry & hurt that he would assume that just because a pregnancy was unplanned it was also unwanted. i think that's when i really went off the rails. at that point my Muse (current partner) had already interjected once saying that man-bashing was one of his mom's favourite forms of emotional battery & that it is always triggering for him, and there i went barreling into this rant about my anger & hurt & grief & ended up sobbing. there was a moment of silence & he once again expressed how hurt & attacked he was feeling... at that point i was crying too hard to even get out clearly that i needed a moment to gather myself together before i could speak... we hung up, and later i sent him a text message, but i still feel like i can't call him back. i feel really bad about hurting him. i know i hurt him. i never want to be someone who causes him suffering - i don't want anyone else to cause him suffering either for that matter. i just totally fell apart.

aside from the perhaps irreparable damage i've done to his heart, there's the whole matter of just what got me spiraling out of control in the first place. it's been 8 years, and one week tomorrow from the day i began miscarrying. the relationship that led to the pregnancy is six years over. i think about the child i lost almost every day. i have books on shelves throughout my home that we bought to read to him. i have clothing we bought to wrap his tiny body in. i can say that logically i'm glad i lost the pregnancy because i wouldn't want to still be involved with that particular ex, and having a kid together is a terrible reason to be a couple, but i'm not glad i lost the child. i still feel tremendous guilt that my body failed him. i'm filled with fear more about going through a miscarriage again than i am about actually giving birth.

i think that's the biggest realisation tonight has brought up. i never really lost the desire to be a parent. i never really wanted to go through life childless. i just have been so filled with fear about the parenting process, and about the ability (or lack thereof) to physically carry a pregnancy that i've convinced myself that adoption is a better option anyways. now here i am with someone whom i can seriously see myself parenting, and even beyond that, i find myself wanting his babies. and i'm absolutely terrified. i don't want to get pregnant again & lose it all. i don't want to try and try and try and fail. i don't want to become pregnant before we're ready & bring a child into this world without intention & joy.

i think that where a lot of my anger towards men who try & control women's reproduction comes from is a realisation that most men have absolutely zero concept of the pressure there is being the childbearers. sure, they have to worry about the act of conception. but there's so much pressure on us to do everything perfectly - to eat right, get the right supplements, avoid the wrong things, choose the right health care, gain enough weight, etc., and anything that goes wrong with the pregnancy or fetal development falls back on our shoulders. i don't want to be blamed for some disability or struggle that the child would go through for the entire rest of his or her life because of some small decision i made.

part of me thinks that i need to do something to work through this. part of me just thinks i should get my tubes tied so i can stop worrying.

watch out

2009-08-17T01:50:00.008-04:00

i'm on a posting spree. as part of my ocd hoarding work, i'm not only purging real stuff, i'm purging virtual stuff too. that means i'm finishing & posting all the draughts for this blog, and about to start posting notes from my workbook too.

you've been warned.

the photo you ask? just an image i've been waiting to use for a really great reason. this seems like a good enough reason. done & done!

*also you should know this means that posts will be appearing out-of-order. you're welcome <3

::edit:: i realised just today (sept 15) that i had already used this image earlier. i'm leaving it up because it's that good. :P

i threw out the written version of this post...

2009-08-16T16:47:00.004-04:00

i like romance & i like sex, but i don't like the two combined, thanks very much. the reason? sex is, to some degree, about vulnerability. it requires one to be physically vulnerable, socially vulnerable. throw in emotional vulnerability & it's just too much. seriously. throw out things like, "i want to make love to you," or "please give it a kiss," while pulling out your cock & i'm more likely to laugh, or perhaps gag (in a not-good way) than i am to fuck you.

romantic sex is just so fucking ridiculous. it's this stoopid, societally enforced standard that is wholly unreachable. sex isn't all flowers & cheeseball music. it's the funny noises sweaty bodies make when coming together & pulling apart. it's digging around in your mouth to extract the pubic hair that's worked its way to the back of your tongue. it's fumbling with condoms and searching for more AA batteries. it's real. in-your-body, on-the-ground, real.

so this journal entry continued into some great areas about why i find combining bdsm, sex & dating so incredibly unnerving, but i threw out the paper copy. after doing so i realised i had perhaps not posted it, and was going to retrieve it from the recycling. however, checking & taking things back out of the garbage are both part of my ocd, so i was determined not to give in. the recycling bag went to the curb yesterday, and leaving this post unfinished feels like an awesome act of defiance against ocd. phhhhhhhbt!

conversations with cats

2009-07-14T09:45:00.002-04:00

i saw this today on MyLifeIsAverage and i literally laughed out loud.

"Today, I felt like my cat didn't appreciate me enough, so I made her watch Animal Cops with me. During the show, I stressed how some animals have it much worse and that she is very fortunate that she has a loving home. I think I really got through to her. MLIA."

i've had similar talks with all of my animal companions when they were being bratty. i've also told them i would return them to the shelter or rescue from which they each came if they didn't behave. then, because i'm also adopted, i feel really guilty, like i may have scarred them emotionally. i always apologise after. MLIA too.

watching obsessed again...

2009-07-13T22:47:00.003-04:00

and i feel like i'm going to vomit. seriously vomit. my anxiety is so high right now that i'm tearing up, my throat is tight, dry & painful... i gave in briefly & let myself tweeze some hairs from my legs, and i felt somewhat better, but at the same time somewhat worse. the woman in tonight's episode is a skin picker like me, and has major food issues like me. watching her do her food exposure exercises made me gag. cry out. i had to get up and walk around.

i'm avoiding more and more the last week, and it's getting harder every day. the anticipatory anxiety is something that so plagues me too. deep breath.

seeing the complete change in 12 weeks on this show is super hopeful, but at the same time really depressing. i was diagnosed 2 years? ago... and things have been 2 steps forward and one back... or more... the whole time. i'm really sad that i haven't been able to change. i would really like to say i've accomplished great things. i'd really like to be a success story. i just don't feel like i've really done anything...

okay. i need to not slip. i need to remember i have accomplished things. i need to remember things i have changed. i am a successful person. i do great things.

1. i am able - and happy - to regularly eat eggs for the first time in a decade.
2. i have been able to start eating goat cheese & other products again.
3. i am able to regularly clean out my fridge with little anxiety about throwing out rotten food.
4. i have been going grocery shopping more regularly and buying food i enjoy eating.
5. i take my medications regularly, and my multivitamins too.
6. i have become more social again, spending time with neighbours and friends.
7. i get my compost & recycling out to the curb on time most weeks.
8. i throw out things on a near-daily basis, including papers i have kept for months, or even years.
9. i have returned one year of my six years of un-filed taxes.
10. i have downloaded and filled out the forms to get information or exchange correspondence with my birth family.
11. i have completed my Reiki Master/teacher class.
12. i choose to eat breakfast every morning, and drink less coffee.
13. i no longer smoke regularly, and can deal with the desire to smoke without severe anxiety.
14. i masturbate regularly again.

i'd wear this

2009-07-09T08:01:00.002-04:00

see more Engrish

2009-07-07T23:21:00.002-04:00

i'm feeling deeply, profoundly sad tonight. i have no real explanation - at least none on the surface. i've started watching the new A&E series "Obsessed" and it's given me a much-needed wake-up call. so tonight after giving blood, i wandered through the bookshops & finally library down town until i found some books specifically about ocd hoarding. i know i've made great strides in my recovery. i know that i am much healthier, and more in control of some aspects of my life than every before. yet when it comes to the hoarding aspect i have taken somewhat of a backslide. in the very least i hit a plateau of purging. while some days it seems that i have endless enthusiasm, and accomplish a great deal, there are still more days when i feel entirely overwhelmed. days when going out on date, or even just hooking up is horrifying because eventually they'll see my home.

i've been mostly enjoying my decision to be celibate for the last seven months, certainly it's been good for me in many ways. now that i'm feeling ready to start crawling out of my home & back into some sort of social venue i've discovered that i'm terrified to leave, and far more terrified to have anyone come here. it feels rather pointless to let someone into my life, my heart, when sooner or later i'd have to let them into my home.

there are certainly many reasons that my last few relationships have failed, but i can honestly say that my hoarding - or rather my fear of being discovered as a hoarder - contributed to the eventual break-ups. i'm still unpacking the feelings around the poly arrangement i was in last summer that i basically bailed from come september, and though it's easy to blame the antagonistic alcoholic in the group, or the spineless rock star, in the end what kept me from sticking with it was me. without question the ridiculous way i just wandered off into oblivion was all me.

certainly i was hurt & frustrated, but i think the last phone call the boy & i had involved a discussion of picking me up & taking me to london to see a mutual partner, and the thought of him coming here to pick me up absolutely horrified me. beyond words. even now when i think about him pulling into the parking lot i can barely contain the lump in my throat.

i find it hard to believe that anyone could ever love me like this. i know i'm fabulous out there, but when i get home i feel like such a fraud. all that wonderful energy, all my creativity, all my intelligence & beauty just gets swallowed up in this huge pile of stuff. of things i no longer want or need. so i'm getting help. i've got some great books to give me guidance, and i'm going to combine them with all my great skills & talents to bring my home in line with my heart.

happy may

2009-05-02T17:12:00.003-04:00

feeling a little emo today, though i'm sure it has something to do with not really eating all day. i started a new diet some time ago, or rather a new pattern of eating, and had notices some definite changes in my energy level. eventually my mood also seemed to stabalise and my sleep became better too, so it should come as little surprise that after a few days of eating crap, i'm exhausted, having nightmares, aching in joints i forgot i had, and am overwhelmed by the desire to cry.

it's so cyclical, the running down of oneself. i start eating less regularly, my bloodsugar takes a dive, so i crave junk food, then get headaches tight chest & stuffy nose, feel like napping, miss another meal... bleargh. i'm really super exhausted today, and just desperately want to crawl into bed for a nap. thankfully i'm out dog-sitting, and they've left me dinner. i probably should go eat RIGHT NOW and come back to blogger when i feel less like falling over asleep :P

the last time i had an ex this pathetic & annoying i was 14

2009-04-24T00:13:00.003-04:00

after making this blog private yesterday, i logged on to myspace for the first time in months, and made sure my security settings were sound, then removed Poop Face Bear from any applications i had installed, and blocked him from contacting me. i then changed all of my passwords on my online accounts, just in case. i guess once he realised he couldn't get at me directly he started texting cryptic messages to one of my bffs Wren. totally fucking random too, she had to check with me to find out if it was even his number, because it was just so random. something like "when ur doing things think not of what they get u but what they maek u". what the fuck. seriously that is the kind of text i'd expect to get from a 13 year-old girl trying to pick a fight.

i'm so frustrated by his attempts to control me still. we were seeing each other for 5 months, and it's been more than 2 1/2 months since i broke up with him. it's been more than two since i told him i didn't want him in my life & to stop contacting me. how does someone even think it's reasonable or sane to check an ex's blog 6-8 times a day for updates? i understand clicking on the usual links for LOLz & OMGpwnies! a couple times a day, and if this humble blog is on that list i'm flattered. but seriously. how can checking my blog every 2 hours from work & all through the night be seen as anything less than creepy?

i think what i'm really absolutely furious about is that because i know he's been stalking my blog, and my twitter, he knows that my Nana Kay died over the weekend, and that Tuesday i was at her funeral. and that's the fucking day he chooses to post his bullshit on my blog. he is such an incredible coward. he sends these passive aggressive text messages and emails, then acts all nice and innocent when he leaves voice mail. he skulks around on my blog & harasses my friends trying to force me to think about him, when i stopped giving a shit about him a long time ago. he's not even the person i thought i knew. i honestly feel like i might vomit when i think that i once believed i was in love with him.

sometimes it helps to change one's perspective

2009-04-20T19:50:00.003-04:00

and seeing the world like my evil kitteh makes me feel better about things. she inspires me to remember that the universe conspires to shower us all with blessings - though i won't go so far as to think the whole world is for me to take advantage of :) she reminds me the simple things matter: cuddles, Reiki, and keeping one's butt warm. she reminds me to stand up for myself when dumb boys get in my face. just the other day my normally 'fraidy-cat girl got very angry that a neighbourhood tomcat has been parking his butt on our back stoop. she growled & hissed for a good time, and when i opened the door to throw water on him she charged out, and attacked him! seriously.

this is a cat who sometimes hides for a whole day when a new person comes to visit, but she ran out the door & jumped him, causing him to high-tail it out of our yard yowling in terror. i called her & she ran back in the house. i didn't immediately see where she was, and panicked thinking she might be hurt. when i called her name, she sauntered out from under the desk looking awfully pleased with herself, and fur between her claws. she was completely unscathed. holding her tail high.

i'm glad she took a risk and felt braver for it. i think the recent trip to my parents actually gave her a new sense of confidence. being there for almost five days forced her to confront her anxieties, and eventually she let go a bit. first it was just at night when everyone else was in bed, but on the last evening she came out of the closet to let both my nieces pet her. she even let the littler one scratch her head, rub her ears, and run her hand along the length of her back. awesome.

back to the dumb boy cat. he's been visiting our back door for going on two years now, and he just doesn't seem to ever take the hint he's not welcome. both girl-cats & girl rabbits growl and slap at the windows when he's there, and once they've let me now he's there i chase him off. he's been soaked by water, and chased for close to a block by me, but the ass-whooping by the eeeevill kitteh seems to have finally driven the point home. he's only come back once, and very briefly. when he saw me coming to the door, he bolted, fearing the wrath that would come next. good.

sometimes one just needs to up the intensity to get rid of an unwelcome presence in one's life. part of me was feeling a little bad about my recent blow-up at Pooh-Bear on the phone, but once again my kitteh brought me back to reality: when a boy is being stupidly persistent & refuses to back off (in spite of being told he is unwelcome in my life), it's both fair, and often necessary to raise my voice and reassert my boundaries. i hope his absence from my feedjit & twitter means he's finally taken the hint to stay off my porch. if not, i'll be ready with a bucket of cold water & a deep growl :)

i'm pregnant!

2009-04-01T00:51:00.001-04:00

and if you believed that for even a second, you've forgotten what day it is :P

i'll think of this every time i crave a cigarette

2009-03-21T10:46:00.005-04:00

i've pretty much quit since January, but when i'm around smokers, and especially when i'm offered one, i have trouble turning one down. i know i'll feel crappy the next day. i know it raises my overall anxiety levels. i know it makes my joint pain harder to manage. but now, i know i'm hurting the cigarettes' feelings. how can i live with myself? hee hee :)

another crappy day

2009-02-26T01:32:00.002-05:00

it's hard to believe a person can sleep as much as i have in the last 36 hours. 48 even. i'm not even sure... my joints are so unbelievably painful, and i just can't seem to get up once awake. i'm second guessing my decision to go north. i don't want to avoid moving ahead, but i also feel like being in this apartment is just draining me away to nothingness. i can't seem to find any reason to leave, as important as any reason seems. tomorrow should finally bring about an errand, as today i ran out of pain medication for the degu & rabbit. i wouldn't wish this kind of physical pain on my worst enemy, let alone the ones i love, so tomorrow i'll have to venture out to the clinic for a refill, maybe i'll have the strength to get a few more things done while out, and feel a little better. right now i can barely type because the fingers on my left hand aren't working. ugh.

i made it.

2009-02-23T00:08:00.002-05:00

one more day. i'm physically struggling to eat, but i haven't made myself vomit. i haven't showered, but then i haven't cut myself either. okay, i did cut myself, but it was with scissors, and was a total accident. lolz. i made it out to my circle gathering today, and celebrated a friend's birthday there. she's been really down lately, and not really talking about it, so it was super nice to see the big smile on her face, and her genuine surprise that we'd throw her a party. she got a giggle out of one my prezzies, and a full laugh about the cats' addition to her card - a chewed up edge and some butt-shaped creases :)

i didn't talk with my mom yet, and i'm trying to decide how much to tell her. she knows from our last few conversations that i'm really feeling overwhelmed, and that the health issues i've been dealing with are feeding my depression, and that the break down of my relationship with PoohBear has only intensified things. the return of another round of abnormal blood tests has only intensified my feelings of being at battle with my own body. i'll be waiting another few weeks to find out what the latest round indicate, but for the time being i know rheumatoid arthritis has been ruled out, thyroid disorder of some kind is confirmed, and lupus is a definite possibilty.

it's really hard to avoid self-harm right now. the urge to use pain as an escape, to get that rush of endorphins is hard to keep saying no to. i wish i had a partner who was willing to flog me & paddle me. i could sure use a round of BDSM play to get some of this out of my system. maybe i'll just lay here and imagine my back on fire, or being thumped by a wide, heavy belt. mmmm. feeling the thud of a strap, the rush of blood to the surface, the warmth filling my back, and hearing a top tell me how good and strong i am to take such a beating would really hit the spot right now - pun intended. withstanding - even enjoying pain - is the only thing i actually feel good at right now.

today is one of them

2009-02-22T00:47:00.004-05:00

more animals

i read his messages.

2009-02-21T23:52:00.003-05:00

and i replied. i didn't appear he'd stop ranting in my box anyway. i finished deleting all of our mutual friends that i found on my list, but i'm not going to give explanations. it's him that's giving out the threats and ultimatoms about fucking with my life and my loved ones if i try to stay friends with anyone, so he can explain to them why i'm not allowed to talk with them anymore. i know he'll throw wild accusations around and paint me as the monster, but whatever. i wouldn't intentionally cause shit between him and his friends, but since my chief super power appears to be the abilty to leave an entire room of people disrespected, hurt & disgusted, it's probably better that i just stay away altogether.

i'm about done.

2009-02-21T22:51:00.003-05:00

at one point in what now feels like the distant past - but was perhaps only a few weeks ago - i felt like my life was finally turning around. i felt like i was feeling strength in myself, hope in myself, that i don't think i've ever felt before. i had started to see myself as a person with value. as someone who has skills and gifts to share with the world around me. i thought i was making progress with my life in so many ways, and that i was becoming a better friend. that i was becoming a better person. i don't feel that way anymore.

i'm not nearly so naive as to believe that noone would care if i were gone, or that my death wouldn't hurt anyone. i know it would. i know my mother - though not at all surprised - would be devastated nevertheless. my dad would be angry. my brother, heartbroken. i have friends that would feel angry - at me, at themselves for not stopping me - and ones who would feel hurt and betrayed that i've pulled away from everyone and not let them help. besides, do i really want my last a conscious act to be just another disappointment to everyone around me?

i know that other times i've been this sad things have eventually gotten better. i know things seem utterly hopeless now, but that eventually they will probably seem bearable. i just wish that there were some point in my life when i felt sucessful, so i felt like i had a memory to wrok back towards. i've just never been comepletely convinced that i was a worthwhile person deserving of hapiness who ever did anything to benefit others, so i don't even know what i'm working towards.

okay. so here's the concrete plan i'm going to lay down to get me through this:
1. tomorrow morning i will call my mom & fill her in on where i'm at. i will make arrangements for her to come and pick me up and take me back up north with her for a week or two.
2. i will try to arrange for my rabbits to stay with a friend who can administer the necessary pain meds and subcutaneous medications to keep the sick one comfortable until i am ready to let her go.
3. i will negotiate with my mom to bring my remaining degu with me to their house, so i can monitor his health and decide when to have him euthanised.
4. i will arrange for someone to come feed my cats here at the house, or failing that, arrange to have them kennelled for the duration of my time away. i will call a close friend (& former roomate) and confirm he will take them on as fosters should i be unable to care for them indefinitely.
5. i will notify my support worker, physician, psychiatrist, and counsellor that i will be retreating to the north for a time, and give them contact information to keep in touch.
6. i will make a list of items to take with me for the duration of the stay, including therapy workbooks & journals, to try and pull myself out of this.
7. i will make cartain i have appointments with my support team in place for when i return.

in the meantime i also have some housekeeping from my failed relationship with PoohBear to deal with. i will pack up all of his items i can find, and ship them to his apartment. i will also message all of his friends on myspace who i have become friends with, and explain that i will be removing myself from his life - and therefore his clan - as requested. i will then delete them all from my friends list. i will make certain to pack the gifts i had for a few friends with PoohBear's things so that he can distribute them without me having further contact with any of them.

what a shitty list. whatever. the hardcore sedatives & painmeds i took a while ago are starting to kick in, so at least i've stopped violently shaking & sobbing. i hope i can actually sleep for a bit. i can hear my phone going off over and over - probably PoohBear having to get in one last word, one last attack, one last dig. i don't know if i'll even check it again. certainly i'm going to try and refrain from replying. i really just want him to leave me alone, and answering is only going to incite him to attack me again.

i'll do my best to post every day for the next little while, because i know i have at least 2-3 friends who read this regularly, and i don't want anyone worried i'm over here rotting away in my apartment... although if i did suicide, noone would have to come feed the cats for at least a few days :P

i like cats. this is why.

2009-02-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

more animals

sigh.

2009-02-02T21:49:00.003-05:00

tomorrow i see my support worker, and thursday i finally see the endocrinologist. i don't even remember what i'm supposed to be talking with my worker about. i have only a few weeks left with her to finish my second recovery plan... we're working on a plan for peer support. i'm trying to come up with skills and goals that will help me increase self-esteem, widen my support base, and keep in touch with my friends. today's one of those days that it seems entirely insurmountable.

i'm just so tired. i just keep telling myself it's only a few days until i have some answers about my physical health. i just want any kind of relief. i just want a normal bowel movement. i just want a good night's sleep. i just want... to be me again. part of me is holding out hope that once my thyroid and whatever else is treated i'll feel less depressed. i've even entertained the thought that i may not feel depressed at all...

i know. that's hoping for too much. but maybe i'll be able to see clearly. maybe my tongue will fit in my mouth again. maybe the strange tastes will go away. maybe i'll have the energy to call friends. maybe i'll have the motivation & appetite to eat. maybe i'll get through a day without nausea or dizziness or blacking out. maybe i'll be able to swallow without pain.

i dunno. i'd really like to get back in touch with friends. i broke up with Pooh Bear last week because i just feel so empty. i just don't have anything left. i know i shouldn't be cutting myself off any further... i just... i don't have the energy for anything anymore. i don't want to leave the house. i don't want to talk to anyone. none of it helps, and i don't want to be all mopey around people. i'm cranky and sore, and impatient and i don't even have enough left to give a shit.

i'm really not that funny afterall.

2009-02-02T06:08:00.001-05:00

so last night Pooh Bear and i got into another argument about me talking too much. i really wanted to tell him about what goes through my mind when i’m being overly talkative, and the goofy centre of attention. i wanted to explain to him how it helps me feel safe, how i always feel i need to prove myself, how i’m afraid of silence, afraid of being judged… i wanted to tell him all of this and i was feeling really scared, so i said something off cuff, something obnoxious and similar to the kind of thing he would say, as a way to diffuse my own tension. yet another argument broke out about me not taking his feelings seriously. i don’t feel up to talking it through with him right now – he wouldn’t be awake anyhow – so i’ll do it here. because being vulnerable in front of the faceless masses is easy, in front of someone i love, scary. i laugh as i write this, and it just further demonstrates: i use humour as a way to protect myself from feeling vulnerable – not just in the context of our conversation last night, but also in general.

my adoptive family on my father’s side are caustic people. being in the middle of them is, quite honestly, horrific. i suppose over the years some of them have become easier to deal with, and in small groups some are almost pleasant at times. the thing is, they turn on each other, and on me, without any notice. they are worse than a pack of unstable feral dogs. at any moment they are all ready to rip any member of the family to shreds, and leave them bloodied and alone – and they almost seem to delight in doing it. the worst part is, once a member has been attacked and ostracised, there’s no telling how long everything they do will be wrong, and for how long they will be attacked over and over. there is always someone in the room or house under attack in the immediate, but also there is always at least one family member who has been ousted, or a small number who are at perpetual war, and these battles often continue for years. instead of talking about who’s doing what with career, or hobbies, or just enjoying family company, gatherings often centre on sorting out who isn’t talking to whom right now, and figuring out who to blame. i spent a lot of time being that person.

i was taught from an early age that men’s opinions and activities are infinitely more important than women’s, disagreeing with the dysfunctional pack means ostracisation, and that showing emotional vulnerability is a sure fire way to make yourself the target. my mother’s family is wonderful in comparison, and as close to being a functional family as seems possible. from their example i knew that devaluing the one’s you supposedly love felt awful, and that there was a better way to interact. for years i rebelled against my dad’s family, and found myself constantly exhausted and attacked. mom understood what i was going through, being a perpetual outsider herself, and from her i learned that the only way to survive was to show no vulnerability around them, and avoid them wherever possible. when they’re around, grin and bear it, hold it in, and struggle through the visit, because they are incapable and unwilling to change.

and so i’m funny. when i’m funny i don’t have to talk about anything important. i constantly fear that i’m being judged, being watched for any sign of weakness. if i can make fun of myself first, it hurts less. if i can be the centre of conversation but use humour to direct it away from anything important than i’m keeping fights from breaking out. what Pooh Bear interpreted last night as me making light of his discomfort was in fact me trying to lessen my own. clearly i need a new tactic.

i just cut off abut 4 inches of hair.

2009-01-31T23:49:00.003-05:00

i tried a few other methods to settle down – therapy exercises, deep breathing, herbal remedies, distraction – and in the end i was still laying in bed, all keyed up, wanting to seriously injure myself.

i’ve quit smoking, and i haven’t cut or made myself vomit in what seems like forever, but i just needed some kind of outlet – some physical way to bring myself back to myself, out of the pit of the overwhelming despair. the brief moments i found myself out of the sadness, i felt myself wanting to lash out, to scream, yell, kick someone. i just feel so incredibly frustrated. so hurt. so lonely.

the haircut helped. somehow cutting my hair always feels so powerful. it feels like i’ve rid myself of so much baggage. my hair has been so brittle lately, tangley & breaking off. i can barely run a comb through it, and even when i run my fingers through it i’m left with a handful of crumbling hairs. it was getting so thin and stringy and gross, and i just felt like pulling it back and whatever all the time.

i know that society deems a woman’s hair to be this huge focus of our beauty, desirability, our sexiness. i’ve always rebelled against beauty standards, and i try to make choices that make me feel comfortable, and therefore confident and sexy on my own terms. i’m well aware as well that straight men universally tell me to grow my hair out, and that dykes always compliment my hair when it’s shorter. i’ve posted online polls about my hair, and without exception the straight peeps said grow it out, dykes said cut it off. i’d like to be more attractive to Pooh Bear, and i know he wants me to have long hair… if i had to choose though, attractive to straight people or attractive to queer people, there’s no competition. Other than Pooh Bear, i’d be happy to never have sex with a straight person ever again.

anyways, i'll probably regret it at some point, and i know Pooh Bear is going to freak when he sees me. i think in some ways it's probably a way to lash out at him seeing as how we've been fighting so much lately. right now though, it feels awesome. i love how it looks. i love how the broken hair shows less. i love how it doesn't hang in my face. i love how it's off my neck. i've been feeling so shitty lately it's nice to feel happy about something, and now i can sleep.

i think i'm broken

2008-12-25T03:21:00.002-05:00

i've been feeling today that i'm beyond damaged, that i'm in fact broken. beyond repair. completely worn out.

i want to act like it's all okay, like i was just overtired, that it's the stress of it being christmas eve again.

even after trying to explain my feelings, and to explain to Pooh-Bear via my writing what i felt my voice was not conveying, i feel like... that the air is still not clear i guess.

he says the same things i've been hearing over & over & over again from family members, roomates, partners, friends: "i don't know why you can't just ___ when it's so easy," and "i told you it's a problem for me, i don't understand why you just can't fix it," and "it's pretty simple what i want, and it would take like 20 minutes. you should just do it."

he said after reading my blog (this blog) he knew exactly how i felt, and that there was nothing there (here) i hadn't already spoken to him about, and that he had felt the exact same way, and he knew how to fix it.

i understand people wanting to help. it's tempting to see someone in need, feel you have something to offer, and just jump in to fix the problem, but that kind of attitude not only doesn't fix anything, it doesn't afford the recipient any dignity. a number of years ago a speaker at my university spoke about the importance of language, and about treating others with respect, and he told an anecdote about his nephew, and the nephew's classmate who uses a wheelchair. one day said speaker dropped off his nephew at school, and ahead of them the classmate emerged from wheel-transit, and proceeded to get stuck in the heavy slush that covered the side of the road, the sidewalk, and the pathway to the front door of the school. the speaker watched as his nephew approached the young girl, spoke to her, then went on his way without rescuing her from the slush. angrily he jumped out of his car, and began to berate the nephew for leaving his classmate to struggle alone. he was struck silent when his nephew replied, "i said good morning and asked if she needed a hand. she said 'no thanks.' i wouldn't just grab her wheelchair and start pushing her around when she's perfectly capable of doing things herself."

i feel like someone's grabbed my wheelchair every time they start telling me how to fix my life, arrange my apartment, or recover from depression. i get so angry, and sometimes i end up telling them off, and the usual response i get is that if i didn't want help i shouldn't whine about it. for fucks sake, telling someone i'm having a bad day isn't inviting them to launch into an intervention.

just once i'd like someone to actually ask me what i'm working on, how i'm doing it, and take a genuine interest in the process - instead of offering specific help i don't even want.

this is my secret too...

2008-11-30T23:54:00.002-05:00

(from PostSecret)

an american thanksgiving

2008-11-30T23:50:00.002-05:00

jack & jill went up the hill to get a piece of ass
jack knelt down, jane turned round -
they both came hard & fast.

happy saturday lolz

2008-11-22T09:56:00.002-05:00

more animals

word makes tiny smiley faces...

2008-11-21T00:28:00.000-05:00

i met this morning with my worker from the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) and it was rather productive. i’ve be relapsing in a big way the last few months, and it really has been overdue for me to get back on track. we spoke at length about where i’ve lost it, and made some goals about how to get me feeling more in control of my life, and my recovery.

the first priority really needs to be getting me out of the house. i’ve gone days at a time – even weeks – without going farther than the paring lot of my complex. last week i had started back at the gym, but all it took was one day missing a workout to send me back to hermiting away from the world again. i can’t rely on other people to get me out. not only is it not really empowering myself, but it’s not fair to anyone else either to make them responsible for keeping me on track. i certainly appreciate all the efforts made by friends and workers to get me out, but really i need to be stepping up to do it myself.

so i started on a list of things to do this week to get me out & about:
- to pharmacy for menstrual supplies
- to the bookstore for a few Yule gifts
- to the downtown mall to get Unicef cards
- to the post office for stamps
- to anywhere to purchase toilet paper before i run out this weekend ☺
- run over to friends’ house to look after beady-eyed knee-sock (ferret)

i also started a list of things to help me get ready for working:
- purchase a new second-hand pair of pants for winter & job hunting
- do 3 loads of laundry to catch up and have nice clothes ready to wear
- empty my voicemail at least every other day
- update my resume for retail work
- shower at least every other day
- collect list of places hiring in the downtown

i still need to work out ways to be more sociable with friends & family. i spoke with a really close friend for close to an hour tonight on the phone, and it felt really good. i still got all anxious part-way through the conversation, and lately that’s been happening with even my primary partner. i don’t know if it’s because i spend so much time alone that i feel like i have nothing to say, or that i’m again so fearful of saying something stupid… i still can’t find my copy of “Mind Over Mood” and i fear it may have been lent out never to return, so when i go to the bookstore tomorrow for prezzies, i think i’l just buy another copy. even though CBT doesn’t do a whole lot for OCD, it takes a huge bite out of anxiety and depression, and since i know it works for me, it’s worth the investment to have a second copy. if i were to find the original somewhere, it’d just be a fantastic resource to lend out to friends, are give away to someone who could benefit.

we also spoke about my difficulty with my anxiety just before bedtime. it’s definitely the worst time of day, starting usually about 7pm, about 4 hours before i take my normal dose of medication. i think it’s the time of day when my blood levels of meds drop, but breaking up the dose never seems to work terribly well for my sleep schedule either. i need to talk with my primary physician about getting another prescription for atavan. even though it can have a depressive effect when used regularly, just taking it once a week before bed helps keep my sleep on track a bit, and it more than halves my anxiety for a good 3-4 days after every dose. definitely worth it for me, since anxiety is my biggest cause of depression any how.

that means my last list, phone calls i need to make includes:
- book appointment with primary physician, psychiatrist
- check availability of CBT classes to register for come January
- follow up with potential employer from last interview
- call friend re: knitting
- call friend re: gym tomorrow morning; ferret sitting
- call date about Saturday night (that’s a whole ‘nother entry…)
- call mom about addresses for x-mas cards

phew. i think that’s all i immediately need to get out of my head. my worker and i agreed taking time to journal and get all the crap out of my head before i lay down with thoughts spinning is a better way to help with sleep, than trying to get up and write once i’ve already laid down. so get ready for regular posts kids ☺

really, it's therapy...

2008-11-16T17:17:00.002-05:00

i have no idea what was so important about this graph, or why i felt it was related to therapy, so here's a random unfinished post!!

i'd hug Hugo Weaving...

2008-11-16T01:48:00.005-05:00

more lol celebs!

really? it's halfway through november?

2008-11-16T01:41:00.000-05:00

so in spite of being tired physically, my mind just will not quiet down tonight. it’s a bit of a racing monkey mind most nights as i lay down to sleep, but today (well really all week) it’s been particularly active. perhaps it’s the moon phase – we are in Gemini still i believe – but regardless of the reason, it’s chatter, chatter, chatter.

i really must begin leaving a notepad and pen/marker/pencil/crayon next to the bed, so that on nights such as this i can roll over and purge all the little “aha!”s and “what if?”s from my mind. i know there is a near-endless supply of them in there, but generally if i can get a bunch out, eventually my mind begins to tire, or wander, and soon sleep comes.

this blog was intended for just such a purpose. it was my hope that i would use it as a journal, as a way of marking and revisiting my progress, and as a way of sharing with others whose journeys may be similar to my own. instead it’s become somewhat of a chore. something which hangs over my head as one more thing ‘to do’, and far too much effort to get back into.

it just seems that those times i most need self-care are exactly the times it falls apart. those times i most need friends around for hugs, smiles, and a reason to get out of the house are the times i feel most compelled to turn off the phone and just hide. those times i would benefit most from a walk, or some asanas, or a work-out are the times i just want to go back to bed. it’s when i most need to write and clear my mind that opening my laptop, or even just picking up a pencil feels so difficult.

my most recent bout of depression – which i’m not convinced i’m not out of yet – has been dominated by the theme of me not speaking up. i haven’t been talking about how i’ve been feeling. i haven’t been asking for what i need. i haven’t been expressing my hurts, my fears, my angers. i haven’t been speaking really at all. i stopped signing into facebook entirely, i just stopped email and calling most of my friends, and worst of all, i just threw up my hands and walked away from those i was dating without even a goodbye. i couldn’t find the words to express how i was feeling. i struggled with what to say so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings. i struggled so long that weeks began to pass without me saying anything, until finally it seemed better to say nothing at all – if only to save myself the shame of trying to explain how i could just cut off communication.

i wish i could say i was sorry, and i wish i could mean it. but sorry to me means, “i’m sorry that i hurt you, i’ve realised what i’ve done wrong, and have figured out a way to do it differently next time.” the problem is that i am sorry for hurting others, and i know it’s selfish, self-destructive, and probably a whole lot of other things too, but i just don’t know that i won’t do it again. in fact, at this point i feel like it’s an incredible likelihood that i’ll just run away from everyone with regularity, each time a depressive episode hits.

my support worker – gods love her – just showed up at my house last week to check in on me. i had been avoiding her calls, not returning her calls, and eventually my in-box filled. thankfully she popped by to check in on me, and she said she had seen me unravelling over the last couple of months. i felt really relieved to hear her say it. i felt like each time i expressed a sensation of backsliding in my recovery, she would encourage me to call my psychologist, or my physician, just keep at it, etc. at the time i felt like she was glossing over my fears, my sense of losing control, but now i realise she was just trying to steer my back on course. as she said, i’m someone who has struggled for years with mental illness, and probably always will, and therefore i need to be someone who stays on top of it. i need to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful skills and resources i have in me, and around me. i need to keep reminding myself that when i feel the least like doing something i know is good for me, that’s the time i need it most.

curse of the boyfriend sweater

2008-09-24T00:12:00.005-04:00

at least that's what some folks call it: curse of the boyfriend sweater. in my case it's not just sweaters, and it's not just boyfriends of course either. whatever you want to call it though, the cold hard fact is that any time i have endeavored to knit for someone i was involved with romantically, we have broken up before item was off the needles.

first it was the ex-cheerleader girlfriend, and a gorgeous chunky varieg ated wool scarf in a beautiful basket weave. i wore the scarf after the break-up with the ends left unfinished - until it was stolen at the library. next it was the "left" & "right" mittens for the boy i hand-fasted to. i got just past the thumb on the second mitten, and the first line of the colour way. next it was the overly long green ribbed scarf for a best-friend-turned-lover, with 3 stripes of orange snowflake yarn at either end, and a ridiculously long fringe. i got all through 150+ cm of scarf to the last few stripes when we broke things off.

so you can perhaps understand my apprehension with ever knitting for someone ever again. the last time i got up the gumption to knit for a girlfriend i had explained to her about this curse, and told her i would only knit her the requested legwarmers if she promised to avoid breaking up with me at least until they were done. we had a good laugh about it, and she assured me no break-up was in our near future anyhow. when we split rather abruptly just a few weeks later, she paused in mid-sentence, and with a look of genuine regret, said, "i'm sorry about the legwarmers..." i was a mere inch away from finishing the second one. that was 3 years ago.

::added later to finish post::
so i decided to knit Pooh Bear a scarf. and finish it before he arrived in Canada. and it was really therapeutic. i cried in frustration. i felt terrified. i almost gave up a few times. i ripped back & reknit entire sections. but i finished it. and gave it to him, utterly completed. even though the relationship ended so horribly, i am grateful that i was able to lift the curse of the boyfriend sweater while we were together. projects are a lot easier to complete now.

ai luves mai monsturz

2008-09-23T22:54:00.002-04:00

see more puppies

ai'm giphted, wat's yorr exkoose?

2008-09-19T00:04:00.004-04:00

i've decided the next particular piece i need to work on is gifts. like many people i have trouble accepting gifts, and help of any kind. i have trouble asking for what i need & want, and in particular i have trouble asking for what i need and want. unlike most people, however, i also have trouble giving.

it's not just giving in general that i struggle with, it's giving presents in particular. the struggle that's come up of recent was sparked by a discussion in my pagan circle about giving a particular circle member cash for her birthday, so that she could afford to go to particular festival. we've done this once before, and though i was gung-ho the first time, this time i've really struggled with what to do about it. it's no secret that i'm not working regularly right now, and that cash is stretched thin. this member is also unempolyed, living on disability, and while i'd like to help her reach her goals, i just don't think cash is the way to go. i like to give gifts that are useful, practical, and benefit the recipient in some way, but cash just seems a bit... tacky? hollow? i want to give a gift that is thoughtful and personal, and cash just seems really obvious... and i dunno. i don't like money exchange between friends.

in general i struggle with gift-giving when it comes to specific dates. things like birthdays and holidays feel like deadlines, and i always want to give something meaningful. i struggle with anxiety around wanting to give enough to convey how much i care about someone, without giving so much as to make it uncomfortable. i tend to pick up things as i see them, and as i think of someone, and as a result i have about 4-5 gifts sitting in my house waiting to reach their recipients at any one time. i also have numerous unfinished presents at any one time, made worse when the date passes, and i then feel like i need to have the exact perfect gift, now that the deadline has passed. i also have trouble finishing projects, so i usually have a bunch of unfinished presents in varying stages waiting to be finished and then given away.

anyways, i've decided it's time to look differently at gift giving. i need to resolve my need for perfection. i need to learn to give joyfully without guilt that it may not be "just right", or on time, or whatever other impositions i put on myself. i'm going to start tomorrow, with finishing wrapping a present that has been ready for weeks now, buying the gift i'd like to give rather than the cash that feels expected, and ordering a few things i had been meaning to get for folks. i also need to work out a system, or location in my house to keep all the gifts together so that they are ready to go when i want to give them :)

hurrah!

oh shanks! ai wundered wair dey wuz...

2008-09-16T22:24:00.000-04:00

more animals

perpetewull moshun

2008-09-13T09:21:00.010-04:00

i'm feeling really raw this morning. last night - yesterday really i suppose - was incredibly intense, and this morning i'm still processing it all. i know writing it all down is important. i know i need to document my progress in some way. and yet even describing it in text is triggering. i've been zoning in and out while typing, picking at my skin, pulling hairs, cleaning my nails: all the little compulsions that start whenever i'm feeling anxious. i realise part of it is probably also that i'm tired, that i had a glass of wine last night before talking into the wee hours of the morning, but i can't deny that i've been typing for almost half an hour, and there is only a literal dozen words in the next paragraph. this paragraph has grown as i document my struggles with typing, but i really want to just save what i've written and go back to bed. i'm going to type for 25 more minutes, and see if i can't get past this anxiety. if it's still feeling unbearable, i'll take a break and come back to it.

so i tried to finish writing, and then happily got bounced by a call from my pooh-bear. i decided instead of trying to finish getting down the whole story, i would just finish writing about the aftermath, and when i've gotten through that, i'll go back and eventually finish the deets. even now i'm finding it hard to focus - and to leave the tweezers in their case.

i sometimes find it incredible just how much more progress one can make on issues that seemed to be resolved. it's hopeful. the issue in this case is a sexual assault that took place more than 16 years ago, when i was just 13 years old. just a few days ago i signed into facebook only to have a "people you may know" recommendation that nearly made me vomit. there he was, with 5 mutual friends. the man who raped me. i looked at our mutual friends. i clicked on the link for his profile, only to find it set to private. i thought about blocking him. months ago when i first signed up for facebook i had searched for him, so that i could preemptively block him, but didn't find him. this time i didn't block him.

i decided to just leave him there, in my list of people i may know. why? because he has had far too much power over me for far too long. he has effected my sex life, my ability to trust men (male partners in particular), my body image, and so much more. not just the rape itself, but the abuse that lead up to it, and followed it, have placed so many triggers in me. for the most part i thought i had found them all, and some i've even disarmed. as i stepped into the shower after seeing his face for the first time in 8 years, i cried. and i resolved he will no longer control even part of my life.

it was just a few days later when during an intense conversation with my pooh-bear i would start to explain to him that yes, he had upset me. yes, i was beside myself. yes, i was sobbing uncontrollably, but that i realised 95% of my pain was due to wrongs committed in the past by others, and that my reaction was disproportionate to what had triggered it just now. amazingly i managed to keep going in the conversation, and as i pushed further and further back into my baggage, i realised where the whole issue began. and it began with that rape.

without question my pooh has been instrumental in helping me work through stuff. his clear statements that i matter to him, his assertion that i my happiness & and safety are important to him, and most especially that his actions back up his words have been paramount in some of the inroads i've made over the last few weeks. that being said, i must give myself credit. even a year ago that same conversation would have ended with me hanging up, and sobbing myself to sleep. at some point i would likely have blurted out something horrible - such as i'm so upset because you remind me of this guy that raped me - which would have been not only hurtful & untrue, but impossible to take back. the work i've done with exposure exercises has proven effective in reducing not only my anxiety with compulsions and obsessive thoughts, but also with confronting some deep traumas. i'm awesome :)

iz lurve...

2008-09-12T23:28:00.001-04:00

betteh awlreddie

2008-09-12T00:06:00.002-04:00

i got an awesome visit from a friend who reads my blog after my last post. she showed up and took me out for chai and a chat, which was exactly what i needed. i know it was kinda passive-aggressive, only not aggressive at all :p - to post what amounts to a cry for help, but hey, asking for help any way is progress in and of itself.

backsliding is still better than heading into the deep dark pit of despair with no hope at all, because at least now i have some firm ideas of how to get back out, and i know i've done it before. that's supposed to sound hopeful, but it does still ring a little hollow. i'm not going to pretend that i just need to give myself a pep talk and i instantly feel better, but it does help a bit.

i stumbled via another blog, then a link to another, to another, etc, upon a blogger who also has SAD*, and he wrote about dragging his light out, as he's already feeling symptoms come on. it made me realise that much of what i've been feeling the last few weeks is probably in fact just that. symptoms of something i already have a diagnosis for. i've been so worried about my on-again-off-again appetite, my loss of interest in sex, my exhaustion, my headaches, my crying fits, thinking surely this must be a brain tumour after all, when really it all points to an early start to SAD season. i generally start using my light on the Equinox, and get my supplements and vitamins in order for then too, and it hit me that with 18 straight days of rain, followed by moping indoors, my brain has decided it is already autumn. so tomorrow morning when the cats ask for breakfast, i'm draggin my sorry ass out of bed to the couch to watch yoga and shine the SAD light on my face. it's a start.

*Seasonal Affective Disorder

runninks jest as fast as ai kan, holdinks onto nobudee's handz...

2008-09-02T01:35:00.003-04:00

i'm feeling stuck, as though i'm not moving. at the same time, i'm aware that my backslide is picking up speed, and that i'm running farther and farther away from everyone i love (at least in my head). i've decided with certainty to break up with one of my partners, and the boy has as well. i'm torn between suggesting we talk with her together - so at least when she tells us to fuck off 5 minutes into the conversation we have each other to talk with - and just not speaking to her again. it's not even because it would be easier to avoid the likely conflict, it's that i resent spending time and money going to see her, putting the effort into arranging a meeting, when she'll probably run out in tears, or just scream at me. i just don't care enough to invest the resources when it won't matter to her what i say, and when i know i don't even care enough to follow after her if she bolts.

i know i'm depressed. the signs are all there. i've stopped showering for the most part. i've stopped masturbating. i wear the same clothes for days on end. i forget to eat day after day. last week i had raging diarrhea for 4 solid days (pun not particularly intended, but humorous none-the-less) along with stuffy nose, headaches, nausea and achy back, and i just laid about, ignoring the phone, and emails, and everything else. i'm down to checking voicemail once a week or less, and i've just stopped trying to reply to messages, or even leave the house most of the time. obviously the virus took a lot out of me, but it's more than that. the other day my legs gave out and i fell, just feeling really light-headed and weak. it was then i realised it was 9pm, and i hadn't eaten. i had a white bagel with margarine and salt at some point through the night, but beyond that i couldn't really remember the last time i ate. even after that wake-up call and the end of the nausea, i've been struggling to find the enthusiasm for food.

i'm really not making decisions at all either. i had so many plans this past weekend, 3 close friends celebrating their birthdays, a grandfather turning 80, the breakup to carry out, a cousin's moving away party, a girlfriend's moving to a different city party, a stag & doe party, and a coffee date with a dear friend i've been putting off for a week or more. so friday i logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and realised that the girlfriend's party was in fact about to start, not the following night as i had thought. and i just broke down. i sent her a hurried note, expressing my desire to see her before she went back to school, but i haven't been back to check if she replied. i'm so afraid that she'll be upset, or that she'll know i want to break up with her primary that she won't want to see me again. and unlike her girlfriend, this is a woman i have really strong feelings for.

i cried and hid in my house, and then instead of planning the rest of the weekend out so i could see as many other loved ones as possible, i just avoided them all. in my head i'm sure most of my fears are totally unreasonable, and that my nearly overwhelming desire to self-harm is compulsion. that knowledge doesn't seem to be undoing their effectiveness. i justified not contacting the cousin who is moving away by telling myself the party would be too overwhelming. i avoided the stag & doe because i wouldn't know many people there. i didn't even message back the friend who i was meeting for coffee when she wished me luck on my MRI, let alone to meet her for drinks. i told myself i was still feeling crummy so i'd be a drag if i followed along on another friend's birthday adventures, besides there were multiple events planned for the weekend, and i couldn't remember which day was actually her b-day, because there was so much going on. i was told the main party for my grandfather was not to include grandkids, so i decided to not even try for a visit yesterday. in the end i felt like such an asshole, and that noone could even possibly want to hear from me, that i didn't call a single person all weekend. and now the likelihood that i've hurt and worried everyone makes me so anxious that it feels easier to just not call or message any of them ever again.

i'm in such a self-deprecating headspace that i find myself re-questioning all of my relationships, and wanting to bow out. i didn't see a dear friend for most of the summer, and when i finally did i felt so distant from her that much of the time i'm absolutely certain she wants to end our friendship. she's not said anything directly - and is totally the kind of person who would - but my anxious mind keeps adding up all the little things into a feeling that i have nothing left to offer her, except maybe free babysitting. fuck that sounds so shitty, like she's taking advantage of me or something, but it's just the opposite. she's got new & old people in her life that are doing all the things i used to do with her before the summer, and i'm broke, emotionally raw, and lonely. how could i possibly be any fun to have around.

i want to call and cancel all of my appointments this week. i want to skip the first drum class i had been hoping to attend. i want to turn off the phone, set my facebook status to crazy and just check out. i know i feel impossibly lonely and isolated right now, and i know it's of my own doing. i also know that getting out of the house and actually being around people again is probably exactly what i need. every time i reach out though, i feel so awkward and guilty. i say all the wrong things. i haven't said the right things when friends have emailed their own bad news. i haven't been excited enough when they've sent me good news. i've read all the messages, then just sat here feeling useless. part of me hopes that i do have a brain tumour, and that it's big enough they can't treat it, and that way i'll stop laying around consuming resources, without giving anything back.

beet uv a kwandree

2008-08-17T14:09:00.004-04:00

heh, kitteh pidgen cracks me up. anywho, i realise i have done little writing on the blog of late with respect to relationships, and it's time for an update - else my quandary will make little sense. in a nut shell, the woman i had been seeing casually has become a regular fixture in my life, and her girlfriend has as well. the high school boyfriend is now dating all three of us, and for the most part it's going really well. all three of them live in a different city than i, but the same city as each other, and i like it that way. i still don't feel like i'm ready for the kind of intense relationship i'd classify as a primary partnership, and this allows me to keep them all at arm's length.

so here's my quandary. i'm at the point when i would be running away usually. i've gotten to the point where the initial enthusiasm has waned, and i fear that i may have overestimated the others' desire to be with me. i fear that this is not much more than casual hooking up, and that my understanding of it as dating was somehow... i dunno. that i was just wrong in how everyone else feels about me. at the same time, i'm starting to doubt my feelings for each of them, i think as a way of putting distance between us. mostly i'm questioning my feelings for one of the women in particular, or rather my commitment to seeing her. i just don't feel enthusiastic about going to visit her. i don't feel like putting any effort into talking with her. i just...don't feel like it's worth the effort. i just don't feel like she's worth the effort.

so i suppose that doesn't seem like much of a quandary. except i only want to break up with this one partner, and i want to keep seeing her girlfriend. and our mutual boyfriend. i think if she treated me shittily alone, i would think it's just me, but it's all of us. and i don't want things to be awkward if i break up with just her - between myself and the other two that is. i wish i knew how everyone else is feeling, and if they see her jerkiness the way that i do too. i kinda wish we could just all three us dump her ass and be happy without her.

watt's goinks awn?

2008-08-15T11:35:00.003-04:00

i've noticed, or rather it has been brought to my attention, that many of the very spiritual people i know have been having a really difficult run of late. some of it is financial, but much of it is poor health of self and immediate family. household upheavals seem common, as do dramatic schisms with friends & lovers (or would-be lovers). i'm trying to remain positive about it, and focus on the hope that change is just around the corner, perhaps with tonight's full moon.

my anxiety has been steadily increasing lately as i continue on this job-hunting pursuit. i'm positive that it's mostly due to my own avoidance and procrastination. the more i avoid things that make me anxious, of course, the more anxious i become. i've let myself get really overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things hanging over my head, and rather than calmly and deliberately carving away at the list, i've gotten back into the mode of laying in bed feeling terribly overwhelmed, crying and/or worrying myself to sleep.

there's so much superawesomeness in my life right now, so i'm going to give myself a shift of head space by cultivating some gratitude:
* i'm so grateful that a dear friend is home safe & sound from her journeys, and has brought her bestest friend back with her. she so deserves to be surrounded by love & adoration.
* i'm so grateful that my companion animals are in good health, and happier than ever.
* i'm so grateful i live in such a vibrant community with neighbours who have become some of my closest friends, and teachers.
* i'm so grateful that i live in a country where medicare is covered by our government, and where i have access to so many medical resources.
* i'm so grateful to be going for an MRI to examine my pituitary & thyroid glands, so we can hopefully, finally, get to the bottom of my health problems.
* i'm incredibly grateful that the most likely cause of my dis-ease is a benign pituitary growth, and that the tumour can be treated easily with oral medications.
* i'm terribly grateful that i bought a hand drum in the spring, and that the practice has been making me a more confident, capable drummer.
* i'm so very grateful that i have Reiki.
* i'm so very very grateful that my grandfather's health & mind are improving on the new medication for Alzheimer's. i'm so glad he is so happy.
* i'm so grateful i have so many skills, and so much experience at my disposal, that i will be able to find, and do, meaningful work in the very near future.

ai kynda wishes dey made dis magazeen...

2008-08-06T07:49:00.006-04:00

Cute overload, teh blog that i love, posted the following not so long ago...

werk out

2008-07-03T15:11:00.004-04:00

today i officially started my job search. or at least i started the process off beginning a job search. i've been gradually exposing myself to job-hunting anxiety to get myself ready, by looking through government job postings and narrowing them down to things i might actually like to apply for. then i sit and read them and think about how i might apply. what the job might be like to do.

i know that the resume building process is one of the most difficult aspects for me, so i'm meeting with a worker at a local employment assistance organisation to find out exactly what kinds of services they offer, and to get their support as i embark on this process. i'm excited. i'm terrified. i'm tired. so i rebooked until monday, so i can have a nap and not risk over sleeping my appointment. hopefully by then i will have found an old resume or two, so perhaps i can even begin working on it after the appointment monday. it would certainly be awesome.

happeh noo moon

2008-07-02T23:41:00.005-04:00

just an hour ago, the moon went into her darkest phase. at this point, the moon appears almost completely missing from the sky. it's a powerful time for many of us following a pagan path; a time to begin new things, and to consider new directions. i've been doing a lot of thinking, but not so much doing.

it's not just this blog i've been neglecting, it's everything. i can't even remember the last time i checked my phone messages. i was away for a few weeks, and kinda made that my excuse for checking - long distance and roaming charges - but still haven't done it since returning. i've been avoiding calling my psychologist, the one who deals specifically with my OCD. i've also been using far more in the way of intoxicants than i usually do. just marijuana and alcohol, but in much larger quantities than i generally do. i've even considered taking some that i've never taken before - ecstasy in particular - and that worries me a little. i've been seeing a woman in another city somewhat casually for a few months now, and she and her girlfriend are huge partyers. hedonists. addicts perhaps even? i'm tempted to use some of the drugs they use when we are together, and i know i really need to examine why that is. is it to feel accepted into the group? is it to try and make myself more appealing to this woman i am crazy about? and her girlfriend i am also very interested in? is it to quell the anxiety i sometimes feel about being the only sober one around? is it because sometimes i still feel like a real square?

okay. so the possible healthy benefits of trying ecstasy are:

- confronting my anxiety that any chemical drugs would immediately, permanently turn me into a paranoid schizophrenic, or at least exacerbate my current OCD & depression to the point of making me unable to function.

- experiencing a change in awareness that could deepen my spiritual being

- having fun with people i care about

the possible unhealthy consequences of trying ecstasy are:

- possible negative, serious, even potentially life-threatening drug interaction between e and my current psychiatric medications

- long-term cognitive or behavioural changes as a result of use (anxiety!!)

- breaking down of my own barriers/standards to make me more appealing to someone i like, leaving me feeling weak-willed & pathetic, plus less able to stand up for myself when necessary

i also have serious political objections to many of the available street drugs, that i just can't brush aside, and that i can't satisfy with unregulated drugs. for example, cocaine doesn't come in fair-trade certified. i don't have access in any way to knowledge if this particular coke has helped fund a violent coup of a democratically elected socialist government, or a help arm militia who regularly rape women, or even if the cacao farmers got paid for their crops.

i don't know how many children and animals were exposed to toxic chemicals in the production of this (metaphorical) piece of crystal meth. i don't know if a woman was forced by an abusive partner to shoplift the ingredients for fear of being beaten later. i don't know if a small family-owned pharmacy has been crippled financially by thefts of the drugs taken to make meth.

bottom line, at this point i need to do some independent research as to the possible interactions between street drugs and my current regiment of medications. it's all kinda moot until i figure that out. if there are any that i then would in theory feel comfortable using, further examination can take place at that time. or else i have a really good explanation for why i don't use the next time i'm offered, instead of just saying "i don't know, i've just always drawn the line there..."

halp teh halpers...

2008-06-30T12:11:00.004-04:00

seekrit...

2008-06-24T23:44:00.001-04:00

sixteen years ago yesterday i was raped. it feels like he's raped me almost every day since then. i'm not letting him rape me anymore.

lurve letteh

2008-06-15T22:49:00.002-04:00

i got a little weepy today, in a good way. i logged into my facebook account, mostly to waste time playing a silly game, when i discovered the following in my inbox:

"I was thinking about you today. Randomly. You taught me so fucking much in the years we lived together - gave me so much awesome vicarious experience, that you shared with me. You're awesome. Seriously."

wow. i don't even know what to say really. i'm still taking in all in.

a seekrit frum me to yoo

2008-06-14T05:13:00.002-04:00

i think i'm falling in love already...

hurrah!

2008-06-13T12:13:00.004-04:00

more cheezburger

mai happeh. let me show yoo eet.

2008-06-04T00:10:00.000-04:00

i feel really happy right now. not really happy as in extraordinarily happy, but really happy as in truly, veritably, measurably happy. case in point, today was the first day since thursday i have felt anxious. there have been a few panicky moments, and little compulsions, but until tonight no spiralling, racing, insecure thoughts. that's four entire days of what - to me - seems utter bliss.

in writing "measurably happy" above, i was specifically referencing my dear old friend, the BECK Depression Inventory. for those of you unfamiliar with the scale, it's a series of 21 groups of statements about different areas of self-image, emotions, and physical symptoms of depression. in each series the statements range from not experiencing this at all, to this symptom is overwhelming me, and are scored 0, 1, 2, 3, accordingly. i can't give specific examples, or link to a page* (lest somehow i be caught and prosecuted for copyright infringement), but i think it will suffice to say the scale goes from 0-63, with 63 having all the symptoms of depression in their very worst form.

last summer and fall, under my psychiatrist's supervision, i was anywhere between the high 30s and the low 50s. since anything above 30 is profound (or some similarly depressing word) depression, at that point it's just a measure of how utterly hopeless, and generally suicidal, you feel. it's been obvious to me that i've been steadily improving, and the number would have dropped since then, so last night i pulled up my good friend BECK & tallied them up. i'm rather elated to say i scored a 21! huzzah! mild depression: i have arrived.

the last time i clearly remember returning from the brink to such a state of health was close to 4 years ago. somewhere in the middle of intense yoga practice and cognitive behavioural therapy, my score dropped to a 17. you might think i'd be elated, but instead i had a complete breakdown. i cried. i shook. i came close to vomiting. i sobbed, and blubbered, and looked around the room in horror to see my CBT group mates all staring at me in amazement. i knew just what they were thinking: "isn't less depressed what we've all been aiming for?"

and that's just it. less depressed is what we aim for. from that bleak, hopeless, and terrifying place deep inside the grasp of depression we can see only so far - and we see ourselves in such a way that depression also takes over our self-concept. when i first crawled to freedom, i realised that in that moment, the moment i saw myself as a 17, i had absolutely no idea who i was if i wasn't depressed. i had no idea what i wanted from life, other than relief. i had no idea how to live my life as a happy person. the only thing i was sure of was that i, me the depressed person, she who wallows in sadness, could not possibly deserve to be happy.

it's taken years to get through that one negative core belief, and to truly believe everyone deserves some measure of happiness, and that everyone includes me. that yes, i have weaknesses, illnesses, flaws, and so does everyone else. not everyone is depressed, true. not everyone has ocd, true. not everyone whatever. we have all done or not done things that are regrettable and/or hurtful to others and/or just simply wrong at the time. yet we all deserve the chance to keep doing better; to get all the highs, all the lows, and yes, even the happiness, that come from doing better.

even me :)

* nor would it be entirely ethical to do so, as the inventory is meant to be completed with your physician, psychiatrist, or similar professional. please don't just download and check it off on your own, then draw inferences from your score. if you believe you or someone you care about may be depressed, please seek out someone to support you (and them) through the process. end public service announcement.

yootooob ocd movies

2008-06-03T11:36:00.002-04:00

there's a whole community of people with ocd on youtube, posting videos confessing all their obsessions and compulsions. i love the videos, and i'm going to do one of my own :) it's a really neat idea, and i find watching helps me recognise and confront my own compulsions.

here's a video that started a whole flurry of other videos. i warn you though, i had to wash my face while watching :P

seekrits

2008-06-02T20:52:00.003-04:00

i'm a big fan of post secret. i have never taken the time to read through one of the books, though i check the sunday secrets almost religiously. i'm especially a fan of the dialogue that surrounds each secret - the emails sent in to comment, some of which frank posts, really enrich the whole sharing process.

i've considered posting secrets to this blog, knowing only a very small handful of close loved ones have the address. i hope there are other readers from time to time, if only someone looking for info on mental health, who skims and finds the hope that recovery is possible. i don't give the address to casual friends, or even most close friends, and certainly not to any lovers. this blog is more journal than anything, and there are few people i would let read my diaries :)

that being said, i'm feeling it difficult to get together the time and supplies, (and mostly the ovaries) to put together a really good secret to mail in. the ones that i have truly never told anyone are so deep that i can hardly bring myself to admit them. just about everything else i've told someone at some point. i think it's a way of trying to protect myself. if i've already introduced you to the skeletons in my closet, i can control what you know about them, and pretend i don't care if i see you peeking around the door.

so i sit here enjoying a gorgeous summer storm that i literally watched blow in over the course of an hour, and i feel again the pull to share something here. something juicy. something i've never shared before. something i don't even tell my cats :P

maybe i'll go eat popcorn until the feeling passes...

bakk in teh saddul agin

2008-06-02T13:31:00.004-04:00

so after a tragic liquid meets laptop incident a few weeks ago, along with multiple trips to my favourite independent computer shop for cleaning and repairs, it's taken me a bit to get back at blogging regularly :) the irony/syncronicity/blessing in it all is that recently i spoke to a friend about wanting to spend a week or so less plugged-in, and see what i would get up to if i spent less time online. after 18 hours of not checking my crackbook account, it became increasingly clear that i was unable to resist the pull of the internets. as per usual, the universe is conspiring to give me exactly what i ask for :)

i'll be posting more regularly again for a bit - until my summer travels begin - and posting some journal entries i wrote on paper in the mean time. i hope the universe is also conspiring to shower you with blessings today. enjoy!

hee hee hee :)

2008-05-09T21:01:00.004-04:00

where has the time gone...

2008-05-07T21:32:00.003-04:00

i knew it had been a while since i had posted anything, but seriously. i did not think it had been so long!

i've been struggling a lot lately with physical pain, and it just seems to intensify my anxiety. pain certainly limits my ability to get around and get stuff done, thus making me that much more stressed about the amount i'm accomplishing. i need to haul ass to the chiropractor and get adjusted. i also need to get to see my regular physician and talk with her about the spasms. and have blood work redone. and rebook with my psychologist. and get my paper work done for my disability support application. and finish my taxes. and call my worker. deeeeeep breath.

i think tonight i will just focus on putting clean sheets on my bed and having a nice hot shower. that should help me sleep better, and get up in a better head space. hopefully then i'll feel loose enough to hit the gym in the morning, and get some things done around the house. certainly the gym helps me feel better throughout the day - the endorphins perhaps? or maybe it just gets the muscles moving again and therefore makes the joints a little looser. whichever, it helps. so let's get 'er done.

roller coastering

2008-04-30T19:42:00.003-04:00

i'm a little giddy about this recovery process. sure there are days (like today) when i am less than productive, but overall i'm doing so much better. and really, i do need to take time off now and then.

i'm itching to work, feeling the need to get out and be in the workforce. all of my workers/doctors agree i should not be going back to work until i am really ready, and as much as i want to rebel, i've got to agree. my general practitioner in particular brought up that she doesn't want working outside the home interfering with the therapy i'm doing, and taking time away from the purging process. besides that, if i go against what they tell me, i'm shooting myself in the foot when it comes to applying for disability support. sigh.

i've made some serious headway around the house, lost 20 pounds, and am making some serious progress with the socialising. i've been able to get out a little more, and am even return phone calls more regularly. go me!

yer weekly lolz (frum xkcd.com)

2008-04-29T11:10:00.003-04:00

huzzah 4 teh weeknd!

2008-04-29T08:44:00.006-04:00

i had an absolutely fabulous weekend. it was a weekend of debauchery for certain, but what really made it so spectacular was just getting out of the house, with no pressure, no demands, and lots of friends. a few weeks ago there was the awesome party a friend and i hosted, but all the pressures of throwing the party really made it difficult to just enjoy the party itself, and the visist from my ex.

my psychologist and i had a long discussion last meeting about ways to prepare for social situations, and for me specifically, the dreaded "what have you been up to?" question. i always feel compelled to be honest, and one of the key reasons i struggle to leave my house is the shame i feel when revealing i am unemployed, and unable to work because of my disabilities. i also did not finish my long-lapsed arts degree, and given that i still live in this university town, i frequently get asked if i'm still/back in school. what really hit home with our discussion was our agreement that really, noone cares that much about the answer you give. those kind of questions are a way to open - similar to how are you - and nobody actually expects you to give a progress report. how liberating! so the answers i've come up with are things like "i'm trying to decide what i will be if i grow up," "i've been planning a trip to return to Haiti," and to the school question, "it's hard to convince myself it's worthwhile finishing an arts degree. i mean really, what can you do with an arts degree?"

it really worked out very, very well :) i went to my favourite goth bar, a place i once frequented waaaay too much, and ran into a lot of regulars. everyone seemed happy to see me, and noone blinked twice with any of my somewhat rehearsed responses to the dreaded questions. by the end of the night i was just feeling like myself again, totally relaxed and dancing, and remembering all the great reasons there are to go out regularly! saturday i spent most of the day in bed recovering from dehydration and (i must admit) a bit of a hangover, then got up and had delicious takeout my favourite little Chinese restaurant. a good friend arrived to pick me up around 9pm saturday, and we headed into the city to meet up with friends.

i love that we're now kinda regulars at the club we went to. i love that i'm now regularly hooking up (in both the social & sexual meaning) with a fabulous polyamorous, kinky, and gorgeous woman i met there a few months ago. i especially love that she and i have becomes friends as well, and that sometime in the next month or so i'll be meeting her girlfriend too :) it's really nice to have someone close by, yet at arm's length. i like having a regular partner, but having the distance keep it from becoming too hot and heavy too quickly. i need a break from serious dating, but knocking boots with great people makes me a much happier person.

the other highlight of my debauchery weekend was meeting up with a boyfriend from high school, whom i haven't seen in a decade or so. the sex was even better than i had hoped, which rocks of course, but what really touched my heart was a discussion about how we broke up. i accused him of breaking my heart, to which he countered that i, in fact, had broken up with him. that someone had started a rumour about his intentions, and i had just stopped speaking to him. and that he was really hurt. i can't tell you how good it feels to have had that conversation. i was devastated when we broke up, feeling like i had been had by someone whom i really cared about, and whom i had believed was a beautiful, gentle, soul. to find out he is the person i believed him to be, and that he genuinely cared for me too was wonderful. it also reaffirmed that avoiding confrontations and believing rumours can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. the whole experience has really strengthened my resolve to get things out in the open before they fester over. it's good exposure therapy ;)

laktating wuz nawt part of plann...

2008-04-25T21:11:00.003-04:00

my body never ceases to amaze me in its complexity, and in its ability to throw a wrench in my gears.

for months i've had frequent (even more frequent than normal) headaches, as well as sore, achy eyes...i've been more irritable than normal, had heavier, irregular periods, and my breasts are overflowing a D cup bra. i figured that my Effexor dose was a contributing factor, that stress was a factor, eating goat cheese was maybe even a factor. turns out it was something well out of my control, and something i really should have thought of earlier.

my prolactin levels are high. higher than normal anyways. for years i've had sub-clinical hypothyroidism. basically it means that i have thyroid levels which are low, but not to the point that it's required treatment. i've been monitored, and the levels rise and fall, rise and fall, but never become clinically significant to the degree that an endocrinologist wants to treat me in any way. so apparently one of the things that the thyroid impacts is the pituitary, by limiting the release of prolactin. if the pituitary doesn't get enough of whichever hormone from the thyroid, it continues to release more and more. eventually what can happen is a benign pituitary growth, which then further inhibits the signals to the gland, thus exacerbating the whole situation.

i need to go back for more tests of course, but at this point i'm kinda hoping it is a tumour. which sounds silly to say, but it will be an instant pick-me-up to just take the appropriate medication, shrink the growth, and feel happier and more peppy.

eym grate aktewlie

2008-04-19T20:12:00.000-04:00

i've got a problem with blogging. well with writing actually. if i start on something, and then stop, i really struggle to come back and pick up where i left off. this is not a recent phenomenon, but something that's been ongoing since as long as i can remember. it's one of the biggest roadblocks to finishing essays and such, because i feel the need to write the whole thing in on sitting. this worked well for shorter essays as a child, but as the assignments got longer, it became physically impossible to type that long without such things as food and sleep. even typing itself was a struggle, as i felt i couldn't type as fast as i think, and if i couldn't get it all down without pausing, i would surly miss something, and then i would need to start over again with a whole new train of thought. eventually this is something i want to work on, but for the time being, just typing as i think, and writing short pieces for the blog is enough.

this new-found ability to lower my standards and therefore allow myself to succeed has been wonderful. i've been plugging along with my exposure exercises, and making a big dent in my cache of stuff. it feels so good to be realistic about what i can accomplish, and what is realistic, and then to succeed! i've felt like a global failure off and on for so much of my life, the being able to say i'm successful at stuff is pretty awesome :) so today i'm just going to celebrate all the fabulous things i have accomplished since i started keeping track:

8 items posted or wanted ads replied to on my local freecycle group
9 shelves & drawers purged and reorganised
24 broken items fixed or thrown out
34 grocery bags of paper (old notes, junk mail, etc) recycled
7 craft projects finished completely!
8 home improvement projects completed
15 large bags of purged items thrown out or recycled
5 books & magazines given away or thrown out
10 items of clothing/shoes given away
6 cardboard boxes recycled
8 pet items thrown out or given away
16 old food items thrown out or given away
90 old emails deleted
6 loads of laundry put away entirely
4 surfaces (such as stovetop, counters) cleared off entirely
5 complete fridge purges!
19 rackloads of dishes
38 workouts or exercise classes
10 letters or cards written and sent
27 blog entries posted (i wrote a couple elsewhere)
5 complete cleanings of tub & shower
54 square feet of tile completely cleared and cleaned
5 borrowed items returned
1 gift put together & given
14 total purges of voice mailbox
19 bills paid in full/ debts settled

now that i've tackled some of the bigger areas of my hoarding (papers, correspondences, food) i'm working at doing a half hour of just straight sorting and purging each day, moving from room to room in my apartment. it's a bit easier now that there's a lot less stuff, but way more anxiety provoking, because there's just so much random stuff that i've accumulated over the years. it's getting easier to throw stuff out, but at the same time, i've done a lot of the easier stuff. there's a lot of tricky things now: craft stuff galore, bits of memorabilia, old paperwork... really though, as messy as it is as i look around right now, i know that most of the things are pretty superficially cluttered at the moment, as i decide where to put things and how to reorganise. overall there's a lot less stuff here, and i'm pretty damn proud of myself :) hurrah!

safer secks is hawt secks

2008-04-17T08:24:00.006-04:00

how mai ex peez!

2008-04-11T01:44:00.000-04:00

eek!

2008-04-10T12:56:00.004-04:00

it's been a rather long time since i've posted anything much, and i keep thinking of all kinds of things to write. i even wrote part of a post a couple days ago (now edited & posted for the date i started it)...it's really essential that i keep at it, since the longer i go, the harder it is to get back at it. as i think i've previously mentioned, i'm using the blog as a kind of exposure therapy: when dealing with anxiety disorders, one of the best tactics.

so wtf is exposure therapy? basically it involves confronting the situation that causes the anxiety, and staying in it until the anxiety passes. usually when we are confronted with an anxious situation, the stress, the panic, increase to such a point that we freak out and bail. then our minds tell us, thank gods we got out alive! i was right to be anxious! the next time the same situation comes up, our mind remembers the anxiety and starts at an even higher point of anxiety, until we can't begin at all.

so i must keep writing. each time i do, and keep at it, the anxiety gets easier to bear. i just need to keep going until my body settles down. and it will settle down. all on its own. that's the thing about anxiety. it'll pass either way. if we avoid the stressor, we mistakenly believe that's why we feel better, but eventually we would anyways.

in order for a decent exposure exercise to work, i need to find a workable level of anxiety, and just start there. that's why i'm posting on a somewhat anonymous blog. that's why i don't send the address to friends. i realise people are reading - i've had dozens of profile views, and a few comments - but knowing i won't have to discuss what i've written, receive feedback or be judged on it, makes it safer. it would be ridiculous to go back to school at this point and try to confront such high levels of distress, but posting here i can manage for the time being.

i'm fortunate enough to have a psychologist who specialises in treating clients with OCD, and who is an expert at designing such exercises. i had been feeling so overwhelmed lately, feeling like if i didn't get under the OCD, find out what drives it, i would never be well. i have been so relieved to find out that it's nothing but faulty genes. according to my doctor, there are psychosomatic theories of OCD, but little evidence to back them up. there is nothing under it. nada. hurrah! how liberating to know i have what amounts to genetic disorder that affects how my brain processes information.

frusstrashun - ai haz it.

2008-04-08T22:45:00.004-04:00

this whole dating thing is not going as well as i had hoped. i'm meeting lots of people for sure, and getting laid more often is certainly a big bonus, but i'm struggling with the thought of what i actually want in a relationship, what i want from a partner.
specifically, i'm frustrated by meeting people i really seem to click with, whom i'm really into physically, mentally, but whom i have fundamental disagreements with. i struggle about what is truly a deal-breaker, and what is my perfectionism. what is just me sabotaging myself being happy?

there are things i have always been pretty clear on. things like i will not date or casually sleep with someone who is openly racist, homophobic, classist, ableist, etc. i feel like underlying each person's domesticated veneer is a whole slew of internalised -isms, including me. i feel like as long as someone is aware of this, and works on their judgements, i'm cool with it - and right there with them incidentally. if i meet someone who says, "you're bi? that's cool," and assumes it means hot girl-on-girl action, and/or thinks two dudes together is disgusting, i'm out. same thing with lesbians who hate bisexual dykes, and anyone who bashes transpeople in any way.

so the two issues that have come up recently are the legal rights of queers, and abortion issues. one dude i had already hooked up with a couple times, turns out he believes queer marriage should not be legal. this i'm actually okay with, because i know he's christian, and may just feel we should stick with civil unions, and not church marriage. that's fine. but he also believes that queers having kids is wrong. not cool. at all. there's clearly no future here at all, as eventually i'd like to have a child, and i may well do it with another woman. the other is not so clear.

so what's come up is that this second boy checked off a question on the dating site we belong to saying that abortion is not an option for him in the case of unwanted pregnancy. in addition, he checked that his opinion of someone would change if he found out they had had an abortion. until this past fall, i've never had a partner with whom i've disagreed about abortion rights, so it's always been this vague, nebulous kinda thing to say i wouldn't date someone who was anti-choice*. i was okay for a long time dating other people who were unsure they could choose an abortion themselves, because i felt the same way, and felt in the case of an unplanned pregnancy we would discuss it then.

a few years ago, however, i started seeing a guy who asked very clearly if i was pro-choice in theory, or if i would consider an abortion myself. it was really one of the best conversations i've ever had with a man regarding abortion. he clearly stated that he was not prepared to be a parent at this time, had been unsuccessful getting a vasectomy (a whole other blog topic!), and that if i were to become pregnant, he would not father the child in any way, so he wanted to be clear before we slept together how we both felt. i think it's a conversation all couples should have. that way each person can make an informed choice prior to engaging in sexual activities.

so my dilemma with this new guy is that i wouldn't want us to get involved, have an unplanned pregnancy, and then have it be really traumatic for him if i chose an abortion. it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me either. the thing is, am i reading too much into his answers? his answer was that a potential partner's feelings on the topic are irrelevant. so i might think it was a mis-click, but for the second about his opinion changing. even if he feels my reasons for having an abortion were justified, why should i have to defend my decision to anyone? i know choosing an abortion was the right decision for everyone involved, including the foetus. should i even bother getting involved with him? risk the potential heartache that i feel is really inevitable? i kinda wish i hadn't looked at the details of our q&a, because then i could have gotten to know him a bit better before this came up. it feels way to early in our getting to know each other to be even thinking about such matters. sigh.

*i use this not to offend people who prefer to call themselves pro-life, but because it is more accurate to describe those who feel that others should not choose an abortion. people who wouldn't choose one themselves, but would respect an other's decision to procure an abortion are still pro-choice.

ocd comix!!

2008-04-02T20:27:00.001-04:00

i love comics about ocd. here's a funny one i found by artist spencer hill

ocd lol uv teh week!

2008-03-27T02:14:00.003-04:00

i heart this video. it's tewtally how i justified my compulsions for the longest time :) hee hee!

Scary Bear: OCD for you and me!

also, go check out the site for lots of funnies. i haven't found any other ocd ones, but damn are they witty :)

i can has gud seckz, nd 'moshunal awnestee?

2008-03-26T23:38:00.006-04:00

i am frustrated by dating lately. i suppose it's a good thing that i decide someone doesn't measure up after the first few dates. in the past i would have taken any number of the past few dates and turned them into a few angst-filled months and then ended some unhappy relationship in despair. at least i'm ending them before i feel any kind of investment.

this most recent one is a really nice guy. strike one. not his guyness, but his niceness. apparently i struggle more than i realised with taking compliments well, and accepting when someone seems to genuinely like me. i figured that it's good to test out my aversions to things to find out which are pathology, and which are actually adaptive. i still can't decide. i feel like it's way too early for him to decide he really likes me. he barely knows me. but is that my negative core belief that anyone who really knows me will dislike me? or is it realistic to be concerned that someone is so open about his attraction to me?

strike two. he's christian. this one is really tormenting me. because i'm always soooo sure that i'm open-minded and tolerant and blah blah blah. so is it a big deal that we have differing spiritual beliefs? will it be a sticking point over time? am i just really spiritual and wanting to share my spiritual life with my partners? am i really secretly intolerant and judgemental of people who believe in jesus? or is it part of my ocd that when we're naked and i see this gold cross on his chest that a little of my breakfast comes back up?

part of me thinks this is a healthy development - my pickyness - and part of me just worries that my anxieties are keeping me from letting people get close. a good friend recently pointed out that i am the queen of mixed messages. that i flirt, and make it clear that i am attracted to someone, then squeal and run away, or pull away with a creeped out look on my face, or whatever when they actually hit on me. now that i'm aware of it, i feel even more socially awkward and dorky, but she makes a good point. my last girlfriend and i never actually had sex, in spite of talking about it a great deal, and flirting shamelessly. part of it was certainly me trying to be respectful of her primary partner's newness to polyamoury, but part of it was certainly that i just liked her so damn much. a couple of times she expressed she was unsure if i actually liked her, was attracted to her, and i brushed it off as her being insecure. i reassured her i was very into her, and continued to flirt shamelessly, but turned into a giggling schoolgirl whenever we made out. sigh. i feel awful guilt now thinking about how she may have wondered if i really cared, or if i was even really attracted to her.

as i look back over the years, there's an awful lot of that. especially with the women i've dated. i think generally it's in large part because of the emotional investment. i can be with men without getting all goopy, because i assume they don't give a shit, and i don't really either generally. sooner or later - if it becomes regular - i get attached to them (sometimes) but i can totally separate sex and emotion with guys. women, however, tend to turn me into an blundering adolescent. i dunno if it's because i didn't come out until i was in theory an adult, or what, but it's like i'm as socially awkward as i was in grade school when i try to flirt with women. i have to really think consciously about what i'm doing, and i second guess every word, every facial expression when i really like a woman. i've always thought that it's in part because i don't want to ever treat a woman like a crappy boyfriend, and i've broken up with more than one woman because i felt she deserved better than me.

i guess what it comes down to is that this is clearly not working for me. if it were adaptive in any way, i wouldn't have driven off people i genuinely cared about, whom i felt very invested in. i know a big part is anxiety. because with the recent gf, the longer we went without sleeping together, the more i wanted it, and the more i wanted it to be perfect. earth shattering. the kind of sex that is so intense you cry when you come. i couldn't handle the thoughts in my head that kept asking all those what ifs? that so often hold me back: what if you disappoint her? what if you can't give her an orgasm? what if you do something embarrassing? what if her husband gets too jealous and never lets her see you again? what if she decides she doesn't like you after all? what if you fall in love? how long will it take for her to leave you?....

at the time i was on a different course of medication, including a sleep med that made me have suicidal ideation - i may post the journal entries i wrote at that time about meds - and a much higher dose of my SSNRI. i had little libido, and felt like everything was covered in a haze. i couldn't think straight. words came out awkward. i wasn't sleeping or eating properly. i thought that was all there was to it, because how could being with someone wonderful make me feel so bad? i'm now starting to re-evaluate that perspective. i don't get the same feeling with any of the recent dates that i had with her, the feeling from the first kiss that this was someone i could fall deeply in love with. nevertheless, i'm feeling some of the same anxieties.

i'm glad i see my ocd therapist on friday. we mostly talk about my hoarding, but inevitably we talk about relationships too. i'd love to get through some of this, because some day i might run into the woman of my dreams again, and this time i'd like to be ready for her.

happeh ded jebus deh

2008-03-21T20:01:00.002-04:00

so it's good friday once again, and once again i'm with my extended family "celebrating" easter. i find it rather awkward and bizarre. when we were children the adults were dogmatic and oppressive when it came to easter. sure there were baskets of brightly coloured eggs, and chocolate enough to put a healthy person into shock, but there were also strict rules about clothing choice, fasting, prayer, mass attendance, drinking, television, and so the list continues. and here we sit, me on the laptop while the "adults" watch coronation street, after a rich dinner (still no meat, only fish ::rolls eyes::) which was accompanied by two bottles of merlot and followed by shots of vodka.

so strange how when we were kids the religion was shoved down our throats in spite of tears and protests, but now that we are old enough to choose to stay home from mass, the parents don't fast, drink as much alcohol as they like, wear slacks - or even jeans! - to mass, and spend considerable time debating whether they'll even go at all. if i were still catholic i would be disgusted by their laxity, but being a recovering catholic i'm disgusted by the hypocrisy. if it were such a big deal to force us to comply, why is it so unimportant when there are no children around?

whatever. one of the reasons i left the church is the rigidity and control, and clearly it's a widespread problem. really though, i think changing the rules now shows the desperation, and the earlier mistakes of the church. it also shows how unimportant to the faith, and how fucking political most of the earlier decrees were. if all those requirements of my childhood were really so necessary to please god, would not their mortal souls be in jeopardy? or is this not an indication that many of the church's rules are, in fact, used to control and dominate?

i think so. and i'm glad to be free.

ocd comix

2008-03-19T02:25:00.002-04:00

i loves comics. i love comics about obsessive compulsive disorder even more.

why? because i find it helps to laugh at myself, and at my ocd.

and so i bring you one of my latest finds:

serpryz!! buttseckz!! er, serpryz?

2008-03-18T00:38:00.002-04:00

i've been seriously had.

i'm still shaking my head in disbelief, to the point that i'm not even angry most of the time. in fact for days i couldn't stop grinning about it in spite of myself.

so what happened? well, i've been talking and flirting online with a guy for weeks now, and actually met and hooked up with him at my place a few weeks ago for the first time. after he left that first night, i ran into a friend of his, in the chat room we met in, who let me know he in fact has a girlfriend. so of course, being an ethical poly person, i brought it up with him.

the conversation went something like this: "so i ran into s***** and she tells me you live with your girlfriend..." and he said, "nope, she's wrong. my roomate is male." i replied that was the impression i had, that to honest i didn't care who else he was with, just so long as everything is on the up and up. my next question, "so do you have a wife and kids around somewhere i should know about?" he laughed, said, "no. and you?" i thought that we were in the clear.

so flirtation continued, a few play dates were made and rescheduled due to my cold/pneumonia, with the whole thing coming together friday night. after a few solid hours of awesome kinky sex, he was getting dressed again, when he dropped the bomb. i said something to the effect of, "please don't think i'm being insensitive by saying i don't want to get to know you too well right now, i just want to be clear that i'm not looking for a relationship right now," to which he replied, "and i don't want a relationship because i already have a girlfriend."

wtf? yeah, so turns out he lives at home with his mom, and has a long-term girlfriend who won't give him what he really wants sex-wise. so i asked, does she know he's hooking up on the side, and he said "no, she doesn't give me this, but i have needs." fine, but won't she be hurt when she finds out? "she's not going to find out. i didn't lie about having a girlfriend, you just didn't ask the right questions."

i feel like he was being deceptive with me, knowing that if i knew he was in an exclusive relationship i wouldn't have had him back over. that being said, i wonder why he even told me at all...he could have just continued to avoid the truth, and i would have never been the wiser. when i tried to explain about my views on poly, and mentioned my ex coming home to stay with me, he said "there you go, if things don't work out with us you've got that." so part of me wonders, was he really hoping there would be something between us? beyond the sex? was i to be his out from an unhappy relationship? was he hurt by my "coldness" - which was really just honesty - and was looking to get back at me?

while it's certainly tempting to just find a way to get back at him, to out him as queer, kinky, and dishonest, i really do think his gf deserves better, and so does he. we all deserve to be with someone we can be ourselves with, we can be honest with, and to have our sexual and emotional needs met. i wonder is he really as selfish as i am tempted to label him, or is he a guy in an unhappy relationship, afraid to admit to his partner, his friends, and his family that he is a bisexual man who desperately wants to be fucked stupid with a strap-on? i really feel for him. so many people are stuck in monogamous relationships who just don't realise that another way is possible. and so many men feel that they must choose between being gay and straight.

in the end i've decided to write him a letter, and explain why i won't be hooking up with him again. and encourage him to be honest with his partner(s) in whatever way works for them. full disclosure may not be the most compassionate route to take with his gf, but she needs to know that he has needs the relationship isn't meeting, and that if things can't change, they both need to move on so they can have the relationship they each need. it's unfair for him to be trapped in some coupling that drives him to seek outside sex and affection, but it's just as unfair for her to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone who is neither.

really bad party ideas

2008-03-17T01:59:00.003-04:00

make a big pinata shaped like ceiling cat

fill with:
individually wrapped single serving pickles (in brine)
shelf-stable bacon
cock rings

greetinks earf gurl

2008-03-16T14:02:00.005-04:00

lolrat built from a pic yoinked from this blog and posted over at teh ultimit lolsite. enjoy!

see more lolpics

medamorfuhsis - i duz it

2008-03-13T17:28:00.001-04:00

i really feel like i’ve hit a wall of sorts. this week has been rather hellacious. i know it’s in large part due to the interaction between medications – it’s like i had a reduced dose of Effexor XR for 4 days – but whatever the reason i’ve got to deal with it. i am meeting tomorrow morning with reps from Ontario Disability Support Program to see if i qualify financially for disability support as i recover. i’m heading back to work with my psychologist specifically on hoarding goals. one of my ex-partners is coming home for a visit at the beginning of april, and is staying here at my place. that’s a whole bunch of possible triggers for setbacks in the next few weeks.

i called my best crisis support person – the aforementioned ex – and spoke to him at length for quite a long time. one of my biggest fears has been that he will return home, and judge me for what he perceives to be little progress. my last few relationships have been strained – if not outright ended – due in large part to my hoarding OCD. my ex also has OCD, and really our obsessions and compulsions really triggered each other. i know in my head that the break up was multifaceted, but my heart of hearts just still clings to the lies that it’s all my fault.

he was wonderfully reassuring, letting me know that he expects the apartment to be as big a disaster as when he left, and that he’s fine dealing with it for a few days, and that if it’s improved, he will be even happier about it, but that he’s proud of me either way for working on my shit. i can’t tell you how big a relief it was to hear that. the best part? one of the hardest areas of my apartment to purge has been my bathroom for a long time, due in large part to the fact that this was the site of most of our worst battles – he’s a germaphobe, and has extensive, excessive bathing habits. i’m a perfectionist who bails when things i can’t see perfection, so the bathroom just piled up with both of us fighting to clean it, and with bathing and cleaning eventually interfering with most other aspects of our relationship.

so with some of the pressure off, i took a deep breath, lowered my standards, and…with the anxiety decreased i actually managed to clean the bathroom! woohoo!! there are still some things piled in the tub, and a couple of boxes on the floor, but the sink and toilet are cleaned, the empty half of the tub and shower are scrubbed, and there’s at least twice as much visible floor space. i feel an almost delirious sense of relief.

so yeah, it’s been a bad week, but this too shall pass. deep breath. aaaaahhhhhh.

plegh.

2008-03-11T01:46:00.004-04:00

i really hate catching respiratory viruses. having asthma means that almost every infection i get turns into either a sinus infection or bronchitis. and every few years i get some particularly virulent virus, and i end up with pneumonia.

i suppose i should have been expecting it this year. it's been a busy year for me as far as being sick goes. i had some sort of plague a few months ago that my dr. actually suspected might be pertussis (whooping cough) as well as a few lesser colds, and a bout of the flu. so really, it should come as no surprise that eventually i would be on antibiotics. again. i wish it weren't the case, but i'm on them about 3-4 times a year. sometimes more. le sigh.

i had been starting to feel better, at least as far as being able to breathe goes, and coughing up mucous goes, but i haven't been able to sleep. i've also had weird headaches, with vague nausea and some light-headedness. i thought perhaps it was because i quit smoking, but the no sleeping? weird to say the least. now it all makes sense. the sinuses are no longer gushing, but still feel somewhat congested, and incredibly sore. so i spoke with a dr. again tonight, and tadah! mystery solved. apparently some antibiotics and Effexor interact, with liver function and absorption of both drugs compromised. i guess that also explains perhaps why i have been peeing 2-3 times a day, instead of the usual dozen or so.

so i'm switching to amoxicillan, as the penicillin family of drugs don't cause the same problems, and do a better job with sinusitis. yay for an end in sight of bronchitis, pneumonia, and sinus pain! yay for being able to sleep again normally. yay for being able to breathe!

also, yay for being well enough soon to hook up again with my play toy - a super-cute 30ish boy who is game for just about anything and everything. hurrah!

go heer an laff for owrs.

2008-03-10T01:14:00.004-04:00

srsly. look what i made. the best. gothic. poem. ever. using the Goth-O-Matic poetry generator.
bwahahahaha!

Denial

Slender beams of moonlight enter
this darkened place as I kneel,
always hopeful, always fearful,
frozen here,
waiting.

Accusing forms wrought in panes of glass loom as
dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind,
penetrating my naked soul.

Tears on a child's face.

I raise my head, now crying out for
this callous salvation.

ah luvz mah shoos - bit too muches?

2008-03-10T00:29:00.003-04:00

as i work through my OCD - specifically the hoarding aspects of my OCD - i'm learning i need to re-evaluate what exactly it is to be organised in a healthy way. over the last three decades my fear of loss and my need for perfection in all aspects of my life have buried me in stuff. stuff that i don't really need, or even want usually, but stuff that i feel compelled to keep just in case. or because someone gave it to me. or because no-one else would want it and i feel guilty just throwing it out.

bit by bit i am letting go of all the stuff, and emotional baggage that have held me captive for most of my life. (perhaps you now understand the name of the blog, hee hee). as i do so, i am also learning to let go of my perfectionism in the way things are organised, letting things be just as they are now, rather than perfect, thus allowing me to actually move through things - both figuratively and literally.

now i seem to have reached a point where the i'm trying to organise those things i am keeping, and trying to decide what is really healthy, reasonable, adaptive. i get that organising my cds roughly alphabetically, and loosely by genre is probably a time saver, and not too obsessive. aiming to organise my myriad books by the dewy decimal system is probably a goal i should not pursue :) things get a little grey however for me at some points. for instance, is keeping all of my shoes paired, boxed, and in one place, a good way to keep them together, clean and undamaged in a multi-pet household? is it a good way to keep track of all of my shoes so that it is easier to set limits and purge? or is it perhaps overkill...a tad on the obsessive side...

i think the shoe example is probably healthy. i can decide how many pairs of shoes i really think i need, or want anyways, and then get the appropriate number of boxes. the shoes that do not fit inside the boxes, go. i think it's a tangible way to limit myself, and to help keep myself on track. that way if i want another pair of shoes, at the point of purchase i will need to think, "which pair of shoes will i give away or throw out to make room for these?" and if i can't bear to part with any of the foot wear at home, the new pair will not come back with me.

there are times i really wish i had a much larger apartment, and then i remember, if i had more space, i would only have filled it. and then i would have that much more to go through.

this is every morning at our house.

2008-03-06T12:14:00.000-05:00

i am the mucous queen.

2008-03-06T01:03:00.005-05:00

over the last couple of weeks i've been spending a whole lot of time just laying around coughing up disgustingly copious amounts of mucous, quantaties rivaled only by the amount of mucous coming out of my sinuses. i've also been using my asthma inhaler a few times a day, rather than the once a month or so that is the norm for me. as such i've thought about all of the things i'd like to be accomplishing, and doing none of them. the first day or so the break was nice and welcome. after that laying around watching t.v. and taking many naps per day got pretty old. i'm now thoroughly sick and tired of being sick and tired.

one of the many things i've been thinking a lot about doing is writing. no matter how wonderful something sounds in my snot-filled head though, once my hands start moving to make the words appear, it becomes clear that my thoughts get caught up somehow in the semi-solid green sludge that never seems to end. this is now the third? fourth? time i've tried to write a simple post, and my sentences are so inelegant, so fragmented (even for me) that i've just given up, will post as is.

update: i was starting to suspect i have developed a secondary bacterial infection, and it seems to have now spread to my eyes as well. this morning i couldn't open my eyes as they were glued shut with goop. yummeh. so today i'm going back to the clinic and get re-examined. thank gods for public medicare. i'm not a fan of antibiotics, but damn i love ontario.

best. comic. ever.

2008-03-06T00:30:00.002-05:00

i made me a blog

2008-02-28T18:08:00.005-05:00

there are so many things bouncing around in my head that i'd like to be writing about right now: roots and causes of paedophilia, Malcolm X's teachings about inner strength, etiology of obsessive thoughts and behaviours...i don't even remember them all. finally having given myself an outlet for writing again has made me acutely aware of how many narratives there are running through my head at any moment. i spend so much time thinking through things, over and over and over...

i'm so grateful for this resource. even if noone were ever to read this, that i have a place to clear my head of some of these thoughts is an enormous blessing. besides which, i know i need to be writing, to be creating, to be teaching - more for me than for anyone else - and yet my anxieties have grown so far out of proportion that it has become this insurmountable obstacle to even pick up a pencil. a number of times i have begun a hierarchy of fears with regards to writing, and even a couple of times i have started working through them, and yet i have done little concrete other than build the anxiety through repeated false starts.

i know that actually creating a blog was only the first of a number of anxiety roadblocks that will come up, and each time the stakes will feel higher. each time i miss a day posting, i know it will be harder to get back at it. throughout this process i will need to keep reminding myself that the fear is not real - there are no actual threats to my life, to my being, to my status of success even. the fear is just part of the disease that has been trying to control my whole life.

i'm taking it back.

mai bad dey gettz wurse

2008-02-26T18:07:00.005-05:00

i have one of the worst colds i've ever had. the coughing fits never seem to end, it's hard to swallow...i was sitting here earlier just trying to stay warm, fighting back chills when my youngest cat started harassing me. i just didn't have it in me to give, just wanted to sit and drink my hot lemon ginger tea, so i pushed her away. all of a sudden she pounced - just kind of jumped on me while running past to get my attention - knocking the hot tea from my hand, scalding my left arm, right breast, and belly. i peeled off my sweater to get the hot tea off of me, threw it in the laundry bin on the way to the bedroom, tears now welling over in my eyes. i closed the door behind me to keep her out and threw myself onto the bed only to discover the same cat had vomited all over the bed.

at this point i was sobbing. my couch was wet, i was wet and burned, and the sheets are soaked through to the mattress in vomit. the last thing i want to do while sick as a dog is to mop up after the cats and do some laundry. i just piled the top sheet and blankets on top of the vomit and lay down to cry.

i know my frustration is compounded by the fact that i ran out of my SSNRI*s last night, and i' just feeling too shitty to leave the house and re-fill my prescription. i know it'll take days to recover from a couple missed doses...as soon as i miss a dose, the frustration just builds, my anxiety just builds, my confusion just builds...and so of course i don't feel at all like going out...and so the prescription remains unfilled...

i started having the fantasy again of just laying in bed, having everything i need just flowing into my veins intravenously. sometimes i just don't want to have to go on. not commit suicide or anything, just to take some time out so i don't need to do fight any more.

*Selective Seratonin/Norepinefrin Reuptake Inhibiter

lyfe haz a flavr

2008-02-25T17:56:00.004-05:00

i just finished watching a television show on eating disorders... i cried. a lot. one thing that really got me was when one of the young women on the show looked at a photo of herself pre-eating disorder, and she said "she let me down. she should have been stronger." and i cried for her, but i also cried for me.

so many times i've beaten myself up for things i've done, for choices i made as a teenager, or even as a child, for things that were not my fault. for doing the best i could when facing things that no child, no adult even, should have to bear. for using the tools i had at the time, for making decisions and taking actions based on the limited resources (physical, emotional, etc) i had at the time.

whenever we look back at the roots of our mental illnesses, we need to be gentle with ourselves. we need to remember that whatever decisions we made years earlier, before we understood ourselves as we do now - as we work to understand ourselves even better - we made with the best intentions. we made them as best we could at the time. we need to let go of guilt and regret, and just breathe.

i'm going to go take a walk, and a few deep breaths, myself.

i can haz blogg!!1!

2008-02-25T15:43:00.004-05:00

so, first post.

i have been procrastinating about this whole blog thing for quite awhile now. i even started writing daily "posts" on my laptop to try and get myself into the habit, and start to get over my anxieties about writing. after 6 weeks or so, the anxiety started to lap the enthusiasm and the posts slowed to once a week. plus they began to feel like work, instead of catharsis.

so why anxiety? i have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder - as well as an alphabet soup of other things, lol, and my perfectionism that OCD brings makes me want to review, review, review, and make it all just perfect! so then i can't finish. i need to get over it. so here we are.

welcome to my journey.